Promoting and Whoring

Is kinda my MO lately. Amazingly enough,  my Gofundme page netted some decent funds on the first day. Apparently a lot of people care about me, one donation was from an ex who I haven’t seen in over a decade.  So yeah,  happy with it so far but still a long way to the 2000$ goal. Here’s the link again, anything is always profusely appreciated.
Regards –



I know it’s not a real word. Stop oppressing me. I’ve been enjoying myself in the kitchen lately and don’t mind bragging a bit.  Yes,  I am a fan of my own cooking. I’m a big believer in comfort food. This morning I woke up with swollen joints in a decent amount of pain.  Took some analgesics and distracted myself from all that noise by making tacos at nine in the morning because I can. It made me feel better,  though that ache is still there. 

I’ve been on Arava for three weeks and am still not noticing any change. I just hope it doesn’t make my blasted hair fall out like it’s known to do. I was thinking the new med was starting to work until yesterday.  I had several pain free days without any NSAIDS and thought I had hit a clearing. Then I started flaring again.  My Rheumatologist has instructed me to be sparing with my bottle of prednisone so I’m not taking any more before I see him next week.  If I still have a lot of swelling when I see him he may add another med, hard to say. I’m back on a steady dose of Tylenol and Motrin for the time being.  

Mentally I’m much calmer today than I have been since returning to Florida. I had an interview for a job by the mall today which I freaking nailed. The beach is a dead scene lately and I had to go where the money is. I can’t live off two days a week,  much as I like my beach job. So, yeah. A bit more relaxed now that I’ve found a new job.  I’m usually pretty good at staying on top of my brain cooties, but the financial anxiety had been wearing hard on me.  

I’m doing fairly well otherwise.  Sometimes I can’t believe how lucky I am.  I wouldn’t have thought of pursuing this particular job if a work friend hadn’t told me to come check the place out.  She also put in a word for me,  I think. I left that place today with a satisfied smirk on my face and a spring in my step. 

It’s nice that some people still remember and practice karma. I do my best to put out mostly positive energy and be a decent person.  My great struggle in this life is not letting experience make me inexorably cynical. I can’t remember who said this but one quote sticks out in my mind: Snark is the modern disease. In so many walks of life it seems like nothing more than a vast sea of smiling back stabbers with no thought process outside the context of petty one-upmanship. At the risk of sounding like a hippie, I’m not letting these types lay waste to my true nature. 

Perhaps I should clarify,  I’m not referring to the concept of a higher self or whatever. I’m talking about the true incontrovertible raw essence of self. The will, if you like. Crowley tells us that every man and woman is a star with a unique and distinctive orbit. The Law of Liberty applies to all,  or it applies to none at all.  Some people absolutely crack their minds trying to wrap them around such a broad and sweeping ethos of tolerance and respect for others. Thou hast no right but to do thy will, save for if such will inhibits the liberty of another.  Thelema is truly the embodiment of the global citizenship notion which has become so popular in recent times. 

Now I pause and rub my knuckles in a contemplative state. As I glance at the time I realize that I’m due for nighttime meds. I’ll try to keep the rest of this post succinct. I’m okay. I was in an icky state for a few weeks but I made it through for now. I’m highly grateful for the quality time with my Boyfriend and our animals that I’ve been awash in of late. These are the things that keep me whole and pure. Which brings me back to the essence of self.  Beyond all the layers of experience,  the infrastructure of interaction with others, and how we see ourselves is the raw entirety of one’s being.  Not physical attributes, nor any shade or filter of presentation may obstruct the indomitable gleam of (for lack of better terminology) the inner light. It is the light which permeates and moves through all objects and things living or not,  that which the ancients rightly viewed as the active living will of God.  

Know thyself, and the rest will follow. I’m not the smartest, best looking or most successful person out there. I’m just a guy who knows who the hell I am. I refuse to let this world dull my glow. 

I’m not really certain what the purpose of this post was, but I’m running with it.

 See if I do not. 


Keeping up

I’m trying to become more prolific with this blog. My small cult of readers seem to somewhat enjoy it and it gives me a medium with which I can observe my life and thoughts as if I were an outsider. I’m hoping to eventually start doing some creative writing as well.  I’m something of a poet at times but the inspiration rarely strikes me. I like words. They put thoughts into practice and ascribe meaning to the seemingly mundane. 

I plan to do a post one day strictly about all the concerts I’ve been to and the related awesome memories. Perhaps I could do a post about things I enjoy cooking. I’m just trying to think of ways in which I could diversify my content a bit. 

I’m trying to avoid the usual stream of consciousness stuff that I so frequently resort to.  I’m not trying to play to an audience as much as I’m simply growing bored with same old rundown and generalized updates. I’m well aware that my life really is not THAT fascinating. 

As unfocused as this particular post is, I feel it’s important to have a brainstorming session of sorts with myself. I’m not certain what my strong points as a writer really are. I’d like to think I have a few, but honestly I’m far too critical of my own work most of the time.  I’m not above taking some feedback from my readers as long as it’s understood that I’m not really doing this for you. 

I have a few upcoming events which should give me some fresh subject matter to ruminate upon. Next Sunday I’m going to see the Summer Slaughter tour with Cannibal Corpse,  Nile,  Suffocation and many other bands. If nothing else I’ll have lots of fun to gush about.  I’m going to Alaska in a month and am quite excited about it as well.  It’ll be farther than I’ve ever been from home and I plan on taking lots of pictures and being outdoorsy as all hell. I’m a bit nervous about traveling that far but it’s an adventure not to be missed.

Some of my posting will still consist of Mental and Physical health updates. Some of my friends read this blog and it’s an easy way to keep my dear ones in the loop. I’m dealing with two chronic illnesses and WordPress is a wonderfully supportive environment for those like myself. Admittedly,  I need to start using the reader feature more and be more interactive with other bloggers. I’m slacking with keeping up with the blogs I like reading and for that you all have my profuse apologies.  I’m trying to branch out a little without getting sidetracked from the original purpose of this blog. Above all it’s a place where I can be myself.  

For those who read and get something out of it I extend my thanks. Thanks for making this more than just a space for me to bitch. As I said,  I do this mostly for myself but it blows my mind how many subscribers I have now.  Not bad for what was originally intended to be a ‘Hide out from my family and complain about my issues’ blog. I’m glad I relaxed and went public with it. My family doesn’t always understand me and I don’t always get them, but I love them dearly and I’m glad they more or less accept me and my various  quirks.

So yeah,  that’s about where I’m at with the ol’ Planet Berserk.  Thanks for reading and being a part of this strange exercise in documenting my thoughts. 



A fun week indeed!

It’s been a stressful few weeks leading up to recently. I was sick for nearly two months and had to take an antibiotic regimen for a lung infection. It worked, but I still have a cough that has been induced by a med that I take for hypertension.  I switched to a new drug but the cough will take a few days to recede. I worked a full week plus overtime for several days of being seriously dead on my feet. By the time my scheduled flight was approaching I decided that I was too sick to fly to a state actually experiencing winter.

So yeah, I missed my little Sister’s wedding. I felt bad about it but I was like a walking plague victim for weeks. It was freaking miserable. I had a week off and got in to see the hand surgeon again for some cortisone shots and a note getting me out of doing prep. Hot line was fine but I was too injured to be working a knife. Turning in my note caused the bastards to make good on their threats to slash my schedule.

They scheduled me a night knowing damn well that I only work mornings because I ride the bus. I just got pissed arguing about it and calmly told them I was donezo. The final insult was them trying to not give me my overtime pay for the week I worked when I should have been in bed with Vicks on my chest. I cornered my boss and got him to cough up the difference and left there feeling free and liberated.

Aside from all that bull, it’s not a misleading title to this blog post. It’s been a fun week. Shannon’s Mom has been staying with us the week  and she is an absolute trip. We’ve been having lots of fun and tonight she’s taking us to a late dinner at a really swanky place in Tampa. I am excite 🙂

The three of us have split kitchen duties and watching movies and going shopping and whatnot. She got us some cool stuff for our dog and two cats as well. So that’s a plus.

Monday I resume the job search and Thursday I go to my appointment with Florida Vocational rehabilitation. I’m hoping that they can help me get on the right sort of path.

I have a really good feeling about getting involved with the Vincent House. That’s about all that’s going on at the moment. Out of an abusive job and aggressively searching for a new job. Had a second interview for a bussing/dish job on Clearwater Beach. Hoping something comes of that.

Oh! There is one more thing. Auditioned for the role of Mitch in ‘A Streetcar Named Desire’. Keeping muh fingers crossed. That’s really all.

Keep it absurd, y’all.



Pushing through

Lately I find myself happy but somewhat discontent. Things with my Man go quite well but I’m rather frustrated with my working life. Most of the places I’ve checked out don’t pay dick. I’m barely getting by now, so taking a pay cut just to get out of the kitchen is not an option. I don’t have zero education or skills. However, the most lucrative work I’ve ever done (HVAC) messed up my back and shoulders to the point that I can no longer stand up to that kind of work.  I try to cut myself some slack given the fact that I was on disability for nearly five years and barely worked.

It eats at me pretty frequently to be honest. I’m certainly not interested in being a kitchen rat forever. I’d like to get some kind of healthcare/technical certification eventually. It’s just kind of out of reach at present. I have no car, no savings and I owe social security eleven grand. Kay. I’m grateful to be alive and relatively functional, really. I’m just feeling a bit trapped combined with the fact that I’m just not making enough money.

Still, it could be worse. I keep telling myself this.