I’ve been better now that I’ve been just going to work for the last ten days and been in a lower gear. I see the Psychiatrist tomorrow. I was a mess when my last show closed. I made it through but I was so exhausted I was getting spacey and clumsy. Sleep wasn’t refreshing me and I kind of felt like I was trapped in a dream. Long story short, I bit off more than I could chew trying to do two shows at once. That plus my day job was just too much. I bailed on the second show because I knew I was deteriorating and had to slow down immediately. It was a hard decision to make and I still feel bad about it but I maintain that it had to be done. I was sure I would start going severely loopy if I tried to continue. I’ve had enough experience with psychosis to know when I’m on thin ice. Still, it was lousy timing and I feel bad about it. My director expressed his disappointment but said ‘Your health comes first’. My therapist said I made the right call.
On a bright note the President of the theatre (who I’m sure heard I bailed) came up to me the last day of ‘A Flea in Her Ear’ and told me I did a great job and that he hopes I keep doing shows there. That really touched me.
My show-mance kind of kept me hanging on. We weren’t obvious about it or anything. We knew we were both there to work. Still, the spark he and I had lightened my heart quite a bit and made things more bearable. Without going into too many details, this run took a lot out of me. It was really intense Stage Managing a show I was in. Still, I’m going to be a one show at a time kind of guy from here on out. There was so much stuff I wanted to do that I couldn’t because my attention was split.
But yeah, I’ve got to be more careful. The potential for disaster was there.
Live and Learn. I keep telling my bipolar self:
I AM NOT INDESTRUCTIBLE.
I do, however have a high pain threshold and activity potential. I have to remain conscious of how much I can harm myself in this way. I’m no good to anyone if I’m a broken down batshit mess. I want to keep doing theatre for many years, not burn out in my youth.
Noted. Assimilated. Moving on.
Also, some shameless self promotion: