Moving on

Today I begin the process of changing my life. I’ll start with laying off the coffee and trying to chill out a bit. It’ll be a small but important victory. The future is highly uncertain for me, thus i need a level head.

Transition phases can be quite tricky, so be prepared i must. I’ve been aware for some time that I need a change. All insecurities about my job aside, I’m getting to the point of being overwhelmed by fatigue.

I don’t like talking about my problems because I’m constantly worried about being given shit by all the people who can actually manage their lives. I’m a disaster but it looks like I’m doing alright. Keeps me from being asked too many awkward questions.

That said, nothing is terrible. I just feel like I’ve painted myself into a corner or something. I love my boyfriend and I’m looking forward to living with him. I think the first step is looking around my new home and seeing what jobs are available.

Best foot forward and all.

Things….

Things have been pretty super chill lately. I’ve been spending time with my Man, going to work six days a week and doing quite well by all measurements. I used my Employee of the Month bonus check to buy a black utility kilt which I absolutely adore. Getting ready to get back into my Stagehand gig and thoroughly excited about it.

I’m going to be moving in with my boyfriend soon. I’m over there so much with my mom’s car anyway that I’d like to stop burning her fuel budget. It’s kind of win win because I’ll be paying less than I am now and I’ll be out of my mother’s hair. I’ll be closer to my theatre too, which is a major plus.

I’m really excited about it. I’m going to start moving around August. When he gets back from his trip to Alaska, that is.
Aside from that, not a lot is going on. Just plugging away with the at times quite absurd game of life 🙂

My Theatrical Experience

Just for shits and giggles, here’s a list of every show I’ve been involved with since I late bloomed into a theatre person. By category:

Stage Crew:

The Pajama Game 2012

You Can’t Take it With You 2012 (also on stage in Act 2)

Damn Yankees 2013

Pippin 2013

Sugar Babies 2013 (Got hurt and had to bail)

Beau Jest 2015

On Stage-

Crazy For You (Moose) 2012

Arsenic and Old Lace (O’Hara) 2013

Guys and Dolls (Ensemble) 2014

A Flea In Her Ear (Rugby, also Stage Manager) 2015

Stage Manager

Is He Dead? 2013

Lucky Stiff- 2013

Not that impressive, but I’m proud of it.

O RLY?!?!?

Life is, well… it’s more than acceptable. Things are going pretty swimmingly at present. Despite my strong urge to distrust it, it’s actually quite awesome. I have successfully insinuated my way into involvement with the Summer Musical at the Playhouse I work at after about a two month break. Nothing on stage, but doing quite possibly my favorite thing on Earth- being a stagehand. I adore acting and stage managing, but I find stage crewing uniquely exhilarating and fun. I am in the zone when I’m in the dark. Got my gloves, my head light and whatever other tools I may use. I feel like I’m lost in joyous war or something.

As for my Boyfriend, he’s his usual charming self. Oh my heavens does he make me laugh. He is seriously witty in a dry, sort of unusual way. I’m doing dinner with he and my best friend in two days, so much looking forward to it. Didn’t get to see him on my last day off so umm, the fires are burning. I’m certain of one thing. Having a Boyfriend I love makes me ditzy as all hell. I’m having a blast, mind you. Just, I dunno… I got it bad 😉

Work is work, but is not at all bad right now. I was kind of depressed about work after I got home yesterday. Nothing bad happened, I just felt trampled by the day I had. Then this morning I got Employee of the Month. I needed something like this. I didn’t feel unappreciated but I kind of felt like no one noticed how hard I worked. I stand corrected. Getting a gift card and my photo on the wall. So that’s cool I guess.

I’m doing my best to get through. It’s what I do.

Time marches on…

Things have been super chill lately. I’m living relatively stress free, which is kind of unusual for me. The last few weeks I’ve been in a pretty nice groove with work. I’ve taken some of the sting out of my work week and have been very happy on the boyfriend front. We went to a Mexican place Saturday night that a lot of our theatre people go to and naturally we encountered like ten of them. So it’s fairly certain that the whole theatre knows now. Not that I care, I just find it very funny is all.

I’m still steady at three milligrams of Risperdal. I was close to losing it at the end of my last show but I dropped my activity level quickly enough to calm myself the fuck down. I’ve determined that one show at a time is a good rule to adhere to. The Adderall is at 15mg of XR. Seems to be a good fit for me. I’m trying to be more organizational when I’m working and not rely so much on doing things a certain way. Exploring shortcuts and being more adaptable as I go. I do believe I’ve gotten better in this regard.

So otherwise I’m doing well enough I suppose. Got the bicycle fixed up and am trying to be a bit more active with it. I suddenly care a little about muh figure. Fancy that, eh?

Really though, I adore this Man. Such a sense of humor he has. That’s a deal breaker for me. He treats me really well and makes me laugh. When I speak, he doesn’t look at me like I’m a freaking lunatic. We’re very different people with many common interests. I find it highly entertaining. We’re both kind of geeky and awkward and it just works really nicely.

I’m hoping to get us to either go to the beach or for a decent hike. I’m starved for outdoor activities lately and hiking is my favorite thing in the world outside of death metal. I like going to the huge parks and going like ten or twelve miles. Maybe take a lunch with us. Look at birds and trees and shit. Sounds like a blast, yo.

I’m debating on when to go back to theatre. I did sorely need a break recently. I can’t overload myself like that again. Still, I’m not sure how long a break we’re talking here. There are a lot of shows coming up that I’m interested in. It would be cool if my boyfriend got cast in ‘Tale of The Allergist’s Wife’ because I’m already kind of planning to stage crew that one.

I don’t know. We’ll see I guess.

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Well…

Things are alright. I’m working hard as usual. I work at a burrito joint as a prep cook in the mornings. Not exactly my life’s ambition, but considering I was unemployed for years, it’s a start I suppose. It’s actually not so bad. It’s the same company I started working for part time when I was still on disability. After two years I switched locations and went full time, effectively terminating my SSDI. As I sit here absorbing King Diamond’s ‘Fatal Portrait’ album I realize that I’m actually something of a survivor. The first two years I worked 15-20 hours a week and could barely handle that. Worse still, I absolutely despised the job.

Allow me to explain a bit further. Sorry, I spaced for a moment as Andy Laroque and Michael Denner’s delicious riffing seriously distracted me. A friend of mine who worked there basically gift-wrapped the job for me. I just had to apply. I was still nervous as hell because by then I had been largely unemployed for the past three years. I started as a prep guy, but there was more to it than just that. I was also a dishwasher and a front of the house employee (bussing tables, cooking whatever the hot line needed more of on the grill (open assembly line type of situation). I was running around like a rat on meth trying to keep up. Some days I simply got buried and left three or four hours late. I couldn’t leave until the responsibilities of the day were complete, no matter how ridiculous.

I was losing my bloody mind. I was also zonked out on Lithium the whole time. It was icky beyond words. I was horribly bent out of shape most of the time. Then something cool occurred. I was cast in a production of ‘Guys and Dolls’ around the time my relationship with my girlfriend of four years was crumbling. This was a clear case of theatre saving my life and sanity. I had so much fun with this show that nothing could touch me. I split with her and moved home to start over. Happens to the best of us I guess.

So I kept working at burritoland. But a guy I worked with told me about the other location he worked at with a different franchise owner and slightly different way of operating. I was intrigued. I went in, got hired as the same job (or so I thought).After a few weeks I told the other store very politely that I was done and went full-time at the other, closer to home store. Right around this time I switched from Lithium to risperdal. Both this and the new job were huge improvements. It was so much better it blew my mind.  I could just be a cook and not do three jobs at once. I don’t mind having to do dishes but all that plus front of the house was too freaking much. I’ve worked there six months now and am fully off of social security benefits and it’s going just fine. Sometimes the grass IS greener on the other side.

So what else is up with me? I’m psyched to be going out with muh Man to see a movie Wednesday night. I have a bit of nerves for an unrelated reason though. My Dad left me a voicemail the other night that made me a bit uneasy. He said something like ‘I have a few things to talk to you about.’. My Dad has kind of a highly serious air even when he’s totally relaxed so I could be misinterpreting. But I remember what I did on Facebook that day. My hairdresser/theatre friend got married to his boyfriend that day and I congratulated them on Facebook. I think my Dad may have been perturbed by this.

My Father’s side of the family are conservative Catholics. Wonderful people but highly intense. As a bisexual man, I’ve always worn a cloak of heterosexuality around them, save for one Aunt who happens to be my Godmother. We don’t talk about it much, but she’s aware and is totally cool.

I’m not out on Facebook. Most of my friends know this about me but I’m not an ‘Advertise it with a neon sign’ sort of guy. I just try to be myself insofar as I can. Too many family members and not well known people are on there and I’m really intimidated by the prospect of how the men in my family would react.  Social networks carry with them some immense social pressures. I’m really not in the closet with most people. With my family it’s different I suppose. I’ve always known it would come up eventually. Still, I’ve played keep away for so many years.

Damnit. I never thought I’d accept this sort of cowardice from myself. I’m so desperate to not upset them that I’m upsetting the hell out of myself. Incidentally, what I’ve described is part of the reason bisexuals are despised by the gay community. They call it hiding behind heterosexual privilege or something. They think when the chips are down we put on the mask and play it safe behind a mask of ‘socially acceptable’. It isn’t like that, though I have asked myself these kinds of questions.

I don’t know. Maybe they would shrug it off. Or they might call me a sodomite and tell me some shit like ‘turn or burn’.I don’t know what to expect. I’m pretty sure they would not get it. It’s a generational thing I guess. My Dad is a good man. When I was a kid I got caught in an Atlantic riptide. My Dad went after me and pulled me to shore. I at least doubly owe him my life. He’s a very cultured man with incredible taste in music and literature. A man of relentless integrity. A man who’s flaws I can easily see past. I don’t know. Maybe someday I’ll summon the testicular fortitude. Just not today *sigh*.

I know sooner or later the cat is going to escape the bag. I mean, if the show Dexter taught us anything it’s this:

NOTHING STAYS BURIED FOREVER.

In the meantime I’m just delighted to find someone I can be myself with. Honestly, this is some of the most intense romance I’ve ever experienced. He’s strong yet delicate, witty yet absurd and just so very sultry in his geeky way.  I don’t really know why I let the family crap bother me. It’s me I have to live with, yanno?

On that note, have a pleasant evening.

-Thom