Adventures in Flowering

Been a busy and productive few weeks. I saw my Endocrinologist a couple days ago for my HRT six months follow up visit. He was his usual peculiar but cool self. Had his staff take some blood to use to check my E and T levels. He doesn’t seem to be a huge believer in it but he humored me with a progesterone prescription and ALSO gave me my letter for legal gender transition. So now the name and gender change is much closer to being within my grasp. I hope to do both within a month. It’s really freaking happening! I’m going to be legally Lily soon!!!! 🌷

Then it’s hopefully on to consultations for GCS, vocal feminization surgery, electrolysis….and whatever else may arise.

After so many tortured years of hiding out, it’s absolutely surreal to be finally living the way I want. This is not to say that it’s not occasionally incredibly scary but…..

Living authentically it truly it’s own reward. I laugh, smile, and giggle so much more these days than I used to. I’ve made so many friends and it’s strengthened so many existing bonds in my life with family and friends.

I try not to dwell on the past too much but… I was a truly sick person most of my teens and twenties. I often wonder what I could have made of my life if I didn’t have two nervous breakdowns in my twenties which involved several hospitalizations and countless drugs.

The inner peace I have as Lily Jane is the peace Thom was never really able to achieve or truly enjoy for any appreciable amount of time. I will fight like hell with all the strength I possess to defend it. Believe that shit 🀘

I must excuse myself now to cook dinner for Shannon and I but, I’m hanging in there. Working out every day, kicking ass on the beach and plotting my next move.

Also, CAN’T WAIT FOR ST. PETE PRIDE NEXT WEEKEND!!! 🌈

Cheers!

-Lily Jane 🌷

Lily Languishing?

It certainly feels that way at times. Sometimes I really wish I could have started transition when I was 22. Instead of coming out when I first began to bloom I let myself be crushed by social pressures for another thirteen years. Nearly all of that time I was hopelessly bipolar and was hospitalized several times. I still am bipolar, of course. But things have been much more approachable and manageable since I started transitioning socially and ESPECIALLY since I began HRT. Gender Dysphoria nearly crushed Me but getting on Estradiol and Spiro literally saved my life.

I’m still struggling with my employment. It hasn’t been a great season on the beach and my RA was absolutely freaking out(since i had to go off meds for about six weeks!)after I had pneumonia over spring break time. Today is my second Orencia infusion and I’m happy to say things are slowly but surely leveling off and calming down with my joints since I began. No reactions to the infusion and it only takes about half an hour.

As much as I love working on the beach, I’m thinking it may be time to move on. It’s just getting too hard with my joint issues and it’s just not really suiting me well these days. Which actually makes me upset because I love the people I work with and for. But I can’t deny that I’m slowing down from the RA fatigue as well as losing strength from HRT and I’m simply reaching a stage where I need to dial it down a bit and find something a little less erratic.

I don’t mean to sound all melodramatic, really. Things are not THAT bad. But I’m in the weeds pretty hard nonetheless. I’m just not making enough money to pay for all my regular obligations and not one but now two therapists who don’t take my insurance. That in itself is about an extra 175 a month. This is fine when the beach is going well but that’s not the case lately.

I’ve got my sights on something entry level at the local hospital. I think it’s achievable since my employment history is a bit more solid these days and I have a medical card to justify a positive cannabinoids test which for years was the only thing really stopping me. So putting together a resume and applying for a few positions is DEFINITELY on my agenda today.

Speaking of the medical card for a moment:

Saw my awesome Cannabis Physician yesterday morning and had a splendid visit. He is an Internist who doubles as a Cannabis Clinician and a Family Doctor, absolutely wonderful fellow. He hadn’t seen me in six months and was like ‘Wow, you’re getting some amazing results from the HRT!’. Anyhow, he added my recommendation for smokeable flower so I’m happy about that for sure. I just wish insurance would help with some of this stuff. On a side note, both the Doctor and the nice Lady who brings my mail told me I looked gorgeous around 9am yesterday so I was pretty much riding euphorically high on that little cloud all day.

HRT is seriously the best thing I’ve ever done for myself and one of the main reasons I refuse to confirm the question posed by the title of this post. I am not failing. But my blooming process has been extremely long and painstaking. I’m honestly barely even halfway there. The HRT has shown me that I can be comfortable within my own head without needing my mind to be completely drugged into submission with stuff like zyprexa or thorazine. I’m honestly amazed my twenties didn’t kill me. I think of all the pain, anguish, hopelessness, and crushing despair during those years and it truly helps me grasp and appreciate how much better my life is these days.

Hormones take a long time to do their thing but the immediate relief to my wounded psyche from the first few days was absolutely ASTOUNDING to me. There are the obvious effects to be expected like of course breast development (at almost six months in I’m around a B cup) and softening of facial features. Some of the most pleasing personal things I’ve noticed so far include a DRASTIC reduction in my body hair. I was never a very hairy person and I always hated the little bit I got. I’m still pretty dense and bushy in the pubic region as well as the armpits but my chest hair and the hair on my legs have pretty much completely disappeared. I used to get terrible dysphoria from shaving my chest and whatnot so it makes me so happy that I no longer need to. I haven’t shaved my legs in three weeks and the stubs are so much more wispy and less coarse. Even at three weeks of letting it go my legs still look mostly smooth. The only area this hasn’t helped with is facial hair. Still going to have to get that zapped eventually.

The other funny thing is that I’m sort of shrinking. No, not THAT(AT LEAST NOT YET LOL), but height is what I mean. I used to be one inch taller than my Man at Six feet. Now we’re dead even and he’s looking awfully smug 😏

One thing HRT doesn’t do is help one with vocal troubles. I’m hoping to eventually look in to getting a vocal feminization surgery which is where a small amount of the voice tissues are shaved to alter the pitch. My boyfriend offered to pay after he heard that wouldn’t be able to speak for a month after the fact. He’s a funny Man but I don’t think he’s joking this timeπŸ˜„

I was set to do a voice class soon but it got canceled. I was pretty upset about that because vocal dysphoria hits me pretty darn hard sometimes. I look a lot more feminine than I did early on but I feel like my voice really throws people off.

I see my Endocrinologist in a few weeks at which point I am hoping to secure letters for legal name/gender marker change/surgery, get on progesterone to further breast development and aside from that, just trying to stay on target😎

Not languishing, just fighting like hell the way I do.

More as it developsπŸ’‹

-Lily Jane

The Chronicles of Lily Jane Part I

Things have been more than a bit perplexing of late. I’m moving forward with my transition as well as I’m able to currently and despite the passage of time seemingly coming to a crawl…. Stuff IS happening. I’m not sure what I should go into first here so bear with me as I struggle to articulate my thoughts.

I’ve been socially transitioning since I came out as Transgender in March so about five months now plus some change. I’m building up a new collection of clothing, working on makeup skills and doing my best to alleviate my sometimes crushing dysphoria. I have been seeing my longtime therapist again since coming out and he’s been really great and supportive. He is not a gender Therapist though so I referred him to one that I’ve been in contact with about figuring out what the standards/criteria for the gender dysphoria diagnosis letter. After that I’ll go to an Endocrinologist and hopefully begin hormones soon though I think Florida may require a year of social transition first.

Not crazy about living in Florida. Many of the people are mean and paranoid and I feel like I have a target on my back here, even in my most confident state. I’m working on facing my fears and doing my best to be strong. People I know tell me they think I’m brave or something and while I appreciate the sentiment I feel compelled to confess that I am frequently overwhelmed and absolutely crippled by fear and anxiety. I’m okay for the most part being out in public but strangers and crowds are really starting to freak me out sometimes. I’m usually okay at a concert or something but I’m finding myself getting really perturbed when I go pretty much anywhere. I know it’s not fair on my part because most people are totally cool but I’m seriously developing a bit of a social phobia and it’s been making me really have more of a sense of urgency about keeping myself together.

While I’m much happier day to day since coming out as trans, I’m also finding myself having to handle far more anxiety and apprehension than I have ever had to shoulder. The Rheumatoid Arthritis has been it’s usual capricious self so I’ve been riding my bike obsessively recently. I’m usually okay as long as I keep myself steadily burning all this bipolar energy. But sooner or later I have to slow down or stop. That’s where things get challenging for me to deal with.

I get into a lot of awkward situations and look for unisex bathrooms wherever. Not that feminine looking so no matter where I pee I’m gonna get dirty looks and perhaps worse but… Whatever. Hopefully things improve for future generations.

I miss the outlet that I used to have in Theatre. But I feel like all I could do at this stage is help behind the curtain. I don’t want to play male roles and I’m not confident in myself enough to seek out female ones yet. I’m not saying that I never will be, just that I’m not there and it distresses me. I’m hoping I face this soon as I feel like this part of my soul is withering.

Really doing the best I can to be a good Lily. I’m plagued by self doubt and this ugly part of Thom’s emotional baggage that refuses to let myself take credit or pride in anything. I know I’m a fairly decent person but I constantly juggle bipolar disorder with an autoimmune disease (RA) and the stress of transitioning and….. I can’t properly put into words how exhausting it sometimes is being Me… I keep pushing forward because at ever so slight a pacing…. Things are improving. I don’t hate the sight of myself any more. There are things I can and will change but…. I’m mostly okay with my meat skeleton.

I still have flashes of absolute spiritual agony from time to time. Believe me, those abrupt shifts can make you completely mad. But I’m learning that somehow I still have a friend in myself. We’re even closer than ever since I allowed her to reveal herself 😹

I still haven’t come out to my Dad. I’m afraid of how he will react. I know he doesn’t have a particularly high opinion of trans people and I’m afraid but…. I know I’ll have to deal with it eventually. Just not today.

I keep moving through the various systems like I have some idea of what I’m doing. Sometimes I’m not even faking. The closer I’ve become with my inner self the more determined I am to never retreat. Lily has a name, a close confidante in herself, and amazing support network. The thing I’m becoming super adamant about is not letting my emotional or physical pain turn me into a jerk. I know who the fuck I am and who I want to be and….

I’m here for the Long haul 😘

It feels Lovely to spill my guts in the form of a Planet Berserk Post. Swear I’m going to try to be more prolific.

Love-

Lily Jane πŸ’œ

Adventures in Breathing and Being….

Hello, Reader Folks. Apologies for my absence as I have been struggling with balancing my personal life, injuries and general fatigue and malaise. Things are definitely on the upswing though. I’m feeling pretty awesome about my existence and the people in it be lately. So allow me to divulge what I’ve been busying myself with:

My big Sister came to town for a few days to help celebrate my Dear Mom’s 70th birthday! We went to the Beachcomber on Mandalay and had an absolutely superb dinner and celebration. It was my Mom’s first birthday with two daughters as well as my first real family function as Lily Jane. All in all I think it went really well and I’m pleased with everyone being so cool despite a few awkward moments. Those are going to happen and my family has been really great about accepting Me. Calling me a different name than what I grew up with is a little odd, I get it. Point is the effort is there and I appreciate them.

I’m recovering from some really terrible inflammation in my elbow so I’ve had the last week off work. Happy to be going back as I am a little stir crazy at present. Tennis elbow and tendonitis can be an icky combination but the Mobic has been very helpful and right now my pain is relatively low. The Rheumatoid Arthritis stuff is fairly well managed though I am really curious to see where my vectra DA mark is. Yay, more blood work! Anyhow, I’m a little banged up but my health is pretty good and I’m grateful. Kratom has been a real blessing and helped me manage pain more effectively as well as cut back on meds.

In other news, I’ve been in contact with a Gender Therapist about getting a letter of dx of gender dysphoria so I can begin HRT which I am really anxious to do. I’m going to s r about getting my main therapist schooled in WPATH or whatever so I can just have him write it. I’m anxious partially because I want to get married to Shannon and I don’t want to Marry him as Thomas. So I want to be legally Lily and on hormones before I tie the knot. I hope that answers some of your questions about when that’s going down. I really don’t know is the best I can do at present. But I’m optimistic that it’ll work out. Hormones are supposed to be really helpful with easing some of the body dysphoria stuff which I am all for.

My awesome friend Heather has given me a bunch of really cool dresses and been a really super supportive friend lately. My Mom has been really awesome too even if a little puzzled at times. I’m spending a lot of time just kinda letting go of some of my stylistic hangups and trying to be more comfortable in my own skin. I’m pretty confident about leaving and going out and about, though I carry pepper spray and watch my back. I’m also doing the unthinkable and cutting out beer for an undetermined amount of time. I’m just starting to care about my figure a little more and am not really feeling beer these days. So whatever I guess.

I’m doing quite a bit better since I built up a rather formidable Internet family in the last year. I have a great deal of people in my life whom I’ve never met in person but have been there for me in some of my darkest times. I do my best to be there for them as well as I can. I’m always fimly within reach of moral support from a plethora of interesting people and It means the absolute world to Me πŸ€—

It’s these various people online and irl (of course) who make me realize that I need to stop screwing around and get prolific with my writing and visual art. Because the people in my life inspire me so much that I can’t freaking contain myself and I want to SCREAM IT!!!!

So, Ummm…. yeah. That’s what’s going on with me lately. I feel beat up but refreshed and ready to go full throttle again! Also, I feel cute today 😎

Have a splendid day, Y’all. We’ll be back soon!

Love-

Lily Jane πŸ’œ

Second Awkward Teenage Blues

This is something that keeps occurring to me lately, that I’m basically going through a more appropriate form of learning to be yet again. I try to not look goofy but sometimes I like to have a bit of fun with my outfits. I’m 35 going on 36 and I’m just now finally letting my guard down enough to let myself just be a girl. I spent my teenage feeling repulsive and hating most of the available clothes. I wasn’t even close to having myself figured out in those days but it was certainly in the works. So now I find myself out as transgender with most of my friends, family and work people. It’s been a little scary at times but largely a really good experience. A lot of really awesome people have revealed themselves as allies and my existing friends have been really incredible and supportive. My Mom too, bless her heart. Even though my Death Metal style kind of irks her πŸ˜›

So now where I find myself is….looking for an Endocrinologist and inquiring about beginning HRT. Building up a wardrobe and working on makeup skills which are still honestly pretty modest. Managing the RA as well as I can and getting lots of time on the bicycle because it helps me maintain a nice figure.

Aside from that, seeing my therapist, going to work, and immersing myself in music I’ve been rather laid back lately. Perhaps content is a better word. I had a neat experience getting ready for work yesterday. Got kind of zoned out while looking in the mirror while thinking of doing my makeup and hair. Looked myself over and had a few brief words with myself. As joyful tears began to drip all I could manage to say was ‘Thank you for letting me out of my cage’. I tear up just remembering it. It was one of the most unbelievably happy moments of my life. I’m still afraid. It just isn’t enough to stop me anymore. I’m coming into my own, I know who I am and I wouldn’t trade it for anything under the Sun.

All across the board people are astounding me with how cool they’re actually willing to be. There was a drunk couple at my work last night that I thought were making fun of me at first but wasn’t sure, turns out they were totally cool. Had a nice chat with me as they left and ran into me after I got off work and bought me a beer. I get nervous and apprehensive at times but…

The world is changing for the better. It may be hard to see at times, but I feel it in my heart and it’s beautiful and liberating and exciting all at once. That’s food enough for Me.

The future is so bright I need shades 😘

Love-

Lily Jane πŸ’œ

In a state of transition…

Today is International Trans Day of Visibility and I thought a blog post was in order. Since it’s a day of visibility I guess I’m going to share a bit of myself with you. So then…. Where to begin?

I’ll start with my name. I was born Thomas Joseph Mitchell the fifth. I’m 35 years old and I live in Florida near the beach. My preferred name is Lily Jane Mitchell. I’m in a committed relationship with a lovely man six years my elder. I identify as a Trans Woman and am in the early stages of transitioning. I haven’t started HRT yet but I plan to look into that soon. The reasons for my choice of name? It’s partially a tip of the hat to Lilith (all the repressed feminine energy in the bible that was purged in favor of Eve.) whom I’m fascinated by as a student of the Occult. Otherwise, it’s likening myself to a flower that’s finally beginning to bloom.

I haven’t made any major changes yet. I’m wearing eyeliner and glitter and goofy socks to work but that’s about it outside of trying to build up a collection of clothing and getting more comfortable being out in public in girl form. I’ve been pretty lucky up to this point that people have been mostly cool. But I know that won’t always be the case.

I must say though, I’m very fortunate. My Family, Friends and Boyfriend have all been super amazing and supportive. My Sister sent me a sephora package with some odds and ends as well as a book called The Makeup Manual. Also a server i work with has given me a couple neat things and said she has some clothes that might fit me. So that’s cool.

I’m hoping to start hormones eventually because it helps the dysphoria greatly from what I can tell. Other stuff I’m not so sure about. We’ll see. I’m more concerned about just getting more clothes, letting my hair grow and just continuing to ease myself femward. The challenge is not sounding like a dude. My voice is a strange combination of bassy and nasal. It kind of irritates me πŸ˜‚

Another challenge ia finding clothes that both fit my torso and are tall enough. I’m six feet tall so I’ll admit I’m at a bit of a disadvantage here but whatever.

Anyhow, I’m gonna sign off here, but I am Lily and I exist.Here’s Proof:

🐊

򐐊
Having said all that, I bid you all good night.

Love-

LilyπŸ’œ

Blossoming

Is what I sometimes feel like I’m doing. Little by little I’m becoming more open and comfortable expressing my inner self. I’m grateful that most everyone has been really awesome and supportive. Also cautious because I know that won’t always be the case. I mean, Just because I finally feel brave enough to go outside in girl mode doesn’t mean people don’t gawk or laugh at me. I just give them a smirk and go about my business. I’m thinking of getting some pepper spray though, since I can’t always carry a knife and this is eventually going to be a full time thing.

Yes, I’m saying that my ultimate goal is to transition as much as is reasonably possible. I haven’t talked about my body dysphoria a great deal with other people but it does cause me significant distress at times. I know that I’m reasonably attractive but I just don’t feel right being a Man. One reason is that I don’t really get facial hair at all. I get a tiny bit of dirt stubble abobe the upper lip and on the chin. And that’s IT. I realize that may not be a dealbreaker for most but it’s certainly contributed some to feeling like I should have been a Girl. I’ve always hated most things guys are supposed to be into and just never felt like I really pulled off the part that convincingly. I hate being all muscular even though I never work out. I don’t like the sound of my voice very much either. I’ve spent a great deal of time being uncomfortable in my own skin. I have mixed feelings about trans surgical procedures and while I’m not opposed to them for myself or others they are really expensive and will not be on the table in the near future as far as can tell. Hormones I would start in a heartbeat though. I’ve heard it helps a lot with the dysphoric stuff. Also I want to get some electrolysis and remove my facial hair for good. It looks awful and I’m sick of it.

I don’t want to freak anyone out here. I’m just spilling my guts on my personal blog to try to get a better handle on myself. I don’t really wish to go into the more personal aspects of dysphoria but trust me when I say it causes a lot of anxiety at times. Other times I can laugh about it. I mean, I’ve been picked on and marginalized quite a bit In my life. I realize people are going to say mean, hurtful things and possibly attack Me. I intend to rise above to the best of my ability.

I’m not really sure where I was going with that. But yes, I intend to go as deep as I am able to. Eventually. Baby steps for now and wishing my damn hair would grow faster. Anyhow, people can think what they want. I define myself 😘

Love-

Lily