Is what I sometimes feel like I’m doing. Little by little I’m becoming more open and comfortable expressing my inner self. I’m grateful that most everyone has been really awesome and supportive. Also cautious because I know that won’t always be the case. I mean, Just because I finally feel brave enough to go outside in girl mode doesn’t mean people don’t gawk or laugh at me. I just give them a smirk and go about my business. I’m thinking of getting some pepper spray though, since I can’t always carry a knife and this is eventually going to be a full time thing.
Yes, I’m saying that my ultimate goal is to transition as much as is reasonably possible. I haven’t talked about my body dysphoria a great deal with other people but it does cause me significant distress at times. I know that I’m reasonably attractive but I just don’t feel right being a Man. One reason is that I don’t really get facial hair at all. I get a tiny bit of dirt stubble abobe the upper lip and on the chin. And that’s IT. I realize that may not be a dealbreaker for most but it’s certainly contributed some to feeling like I should have been a Girl. I’ve always hated most things guys are supposed to be into and just never felt like I really pulled off the part that convincingly. I hate being all muscular even though I never work out. I don’t like the sound of my voice very much either. I’ve spent a great deal of time being uncomfortable in my own skin. I have mixed feelings about trans surgical procedures and while I’m not opposed to them for myself or others they are really expensive and will not be on the table in the near future as far as can tell. Hormones I would start in a heartbeat though. I’ve heard it helps a lot with the dysphoric stuff. Also I want to get some electrolysis and remove my facial hair for good. It looks awful and I’m sick of it.
I don’t want to freak anyone out here. I’m just spilling my guts on my personal blog to try to get a better handle on myself. I don’t really wish to go into the more personal aspects of dysphoria but trust me when I say it causes a lot of anxiety at times. Other times I can laugh about it. I mean, I’ve been picked on and marginalized quite a bit In my life. I realize people are going to say mean, hurtful things and possibly attack Me. I intend to rise above to the best of my ability.
I’m not really sure where I was going with that. But yes, I intend to go as deep as I am able to. Eventually. Baby steps for now and wishing my damn hair would grow faster. Anyhow, people can think what they want. I define myself 😘
I guess you could say that’s what I’ve been up to. As my previous posts have indicated, I’m letting my guard down a bit and exploring the possibilities. I don’t own much in the way of makeup or clothing but I’m working on that. I’m not making any drastic changes. At least not yet. Just growing my hair out, being more open with people I know and trying not to let fear eat at me. I fully realize that being trans is dangerous. There’s a girl on instagram who I follow who got followed into a library bathroom when she was transitioning. Some person she had never met broke five bones in her face. I couldn’t help but sob when I saw the photos. I love my Boyfriend and Friends and I have a wonderful support system. But I’m still frightened of this world and all the mean spirited people in it.
One thing my Mom told me is that she didn’t want me to make myself a target. I personally think as a mentally ill and queer person it’s a bit late for that. I first figured out I was trans in my early twenties. It terrified me and I repressed the living hell out of it. I kept it buried until I simply couldn’t any more. Bottom line: I’d rather be who I am and be extra careful than continue to pretend I’m cis.
I changed my facebook name to Lily. Kind of an impulsive thing. Totally ties in with testing the waters though. Anyhow I can’t change it again for six weeks so we’ll see what happens I guess. I suppose I’m genuinely curious to see how people will treat me when they realize I’m not joking or doing it for attention.
A server I work with gave me a Book from his Gender Studies class. It’s called ‘My New Gender Workbook’ by Kate Bornstein. I’m really enjoying it so far. When I told my buddy I was thinking I’m trans he was like ‘This book is just for you, go ahead and write in it, it’s yours’. So that’s another cool thing that’s going on 🙂
Even if I’m doing it in small doses or increments, I AM transitioning. Probably best for it to happen slowly anyway. My hair gets a little longer, I adjust my fashion a bit, maybe try not to talk so deeply and the world keeps turning. As for the subject of hormones and/or surgery- I’m just not sure about surgery though I probably will do hormones at some point.
In case you were wondering why I’m being so public about this then allow me to clarify my reasoning:
People see and notice things as well as ask questions. I figure that if I’m open and honest about my life and the way I’m living it, I can at least control the narrative a bit and remove some awkward confusion from the equation. It makes sense to Me at least.
It’s scary though. It astonishes me how freaked out people act when I’m outdoors in my kilt. I mean, that’s a men’s garment for the love of Baphomet! How are they going to react as I start presenting more feminine? I don’t know. I’m worried about what this could mean for job prospects and a number of other things weigh heavily on my mind.
Whatever. Time to go back to the land of cartoons 😘
Lily Jane 💜
Things are gradually getting back to being a thrashing good time. The Beach is picking up and my income is better than it’s been in a long while now. Planning to buy some pretty clothes and makeup soon. Nothing too major, I want to spoil myself a little for being a good Lily. I got a raise at work! I caught my section up long enough yesterday to escape to the office with a plate of fish and veggies and beans and rice. My boss was typing something up at the desk and I managed to get a word in as I feasted. I was just like ‘This is the two year mark here for me, I’ve been doing my best and I’d like to ask you for a bit more money.’ He was pretty easy to sell on the idea. So that made an already pretty good day all the better.
I still have RA of course. I’m a bit concerned because I’m out of xeljanz and my insurance company wants new prior auth paperwork on it so I may need some samples. Over due for sppointments with my internist and my rheumatologist. Still doing the methotrexate injections weekly. Not crazy about it but those are the breaks. Back to the time of year when I pack prednisone and ibuprofen in my backpack for work. Luckily my boss is being cool about scheduling and giving me a few upstairs shifts (easier of the two floors) to relax a little and still make money. I can work on injection hangover day, I just can’t do a crazy hard day but upstairs I can handle on that particular day.
A bit of dysphoria of late. I’ve always kind of hated body hair on myself. Luckily I don’t get much facial or body hair to speak of. What I get I maintain carefully. I know it’s stupid but one of the reasons I’ve never really felt like a Man is that I’m mostly smooth as a baby and can’t grow a beard at all. I know it sounds goofy but it’s true. I’ve never liked body hair on myself. I just find it icky. A lot of the reasons I feel more female than male are more emotional than physical but there’s quite a bit of both. Dysphoria aside, I’m really enjoying my Instagram lately. I follow so many beautiful and inspiring trans people and some of them are just so sweet and amusing as all hell. I like it better than Facebook these days. My Facebook is in some sort of strange limbo from a ‘security issue’ that they won’t tell me anything about and I’m locked out of my account. I’m really puzzled by this but we’ll see I guess. I haven’t changed, really. I’ve just largely stopped censoring myself to make other people comfortable. I’m being open finally about this shit because the weight of my silence was suffocating me. I’ve worn panties or booty shorts under my boy clothes almost every day for years. I have a manic obsession with tights and thigh highs and over the last year or so I’ve just ever so gently been letting my guard down. It doesn’t mean I’m not frightened. It just means I’d rather be who I am and take whatever comes with it. I do have a lot to learn though. Particularly about makeup and hair care. I’m not totally clueless, just vastly inexperienced. Growing my hair out too so it’s gonna look like hell for quite a while. I’m excited and scared. I don’t know how people will react as I slowly find myself. I worry about what transitioning will mean for job prospects. I’m afraid of getting jumped and beaten. But I have to do it. I’ve never wanted anything more deeply. I’ll never forgive myself if I don’t. Having said that, I’ll be back with more soon 😘 Love, Lily