HRT Day 300 minus one πŸŒ·

Hey Y’all! Hope you’re having as Gloriously appropriate a Hump Day as this Girl. I should probably put a content warning of some sort on this post as I plan on talking about some intimate stuff regarding my HRT and my sex life as well as more personal stuff like genital dysphoria as well as surgical aspirations. If you are the squeamish type you might be best advised to read something else. That said, well….

Hi folks! It’s ya Girl Lily Jane!πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ I’m at about a year and eight months of social transition and coming up on 300 days of medical transition in the form of Hormone Replacement Therapy, specifically Estradiol tabs, progesterone, and spironolactone. I’m in the process of getting my name changed from Thomas to Lily but I’m kind of stuck until I round up all my addresses since BIRTH. I know most of them but have no idea where I lived as an infant and whatnot so I need to ask my Mom about this before I can finish the forms for the lawyer and get petitions rolling. Aside from that I’m really getting eager as hell to get at the least an orchiectomy soon so I can stop taking this Spironolactone stuff. It has me in a pretty intense state of brain fog most of the time, though it does seem to be easing off now that the heat is receding a bit.

So aside from the bodily effects of the Estradiol(breast development is currently at a BπŸ™‚,softer skin, far less body hair,softening of facial features) the emotional side of things has been really quite remarkable. I’m definitely a lot more sensual than I used to be for one and a far more passionate and involved lover than I’ve been in the past(at least according to my Man) and my bipolar disorder is far less intense than in most of my life leading up to transition. I find myself better at leveling mmyself out when the brain chemicals are pumping though much of this could also be attributed to being in a stable and healthy relationship for several years. I’m able to see how a lot of my life leading up to this was pretty much exactly what people mean when they say Testosterone poisoning .Suffice it to say, It really was making me hopelessly insane trying to conform to a Male framework.

HRT has mostly been really good for me mentally. I’m finding that Bipolar issues can still be quite challenging because in the past I’ve always been fairly adept at spotting my mood swings and cycles but now its sometimes a bit less clear if I’m being manic or depressive or….just a hormonal bitch. I don’t get sucked into awful moods that seem to last forever like in days past but it seems like it takes far less to make me upset these days. I’m a reasonably strong person I suppose, but like for example: One day I literally started hysterically crying at work because a Lady at the bar said that I was mean to her. Yeah. Just the implication totally shattered my composure. But also, I feel like I get what my Mom has to say about a lot of things more clearly these days. If nothing else, Estradiol is slowly crafting me into a more intuitive being and a better and more compassionate listener. I’m not really sure what’s up with my Dad and I but in the case of my Mom my blossoming process is bringing us a lot closer as Family.

On another note, sex is…..kind of annoying lately. But this is really an oversimplification. I still have a sex life that’s often quite fun, it’s just that I’m pretty much hormonally sterile and things simply don’t work the way they used to. I’ve had one solitary orgasm since the HRT really kicked in and began beating down my nads. But that one orgasm about two or three months ago was the single most devastating climax of my LIFE. I’m STILL feeling waves of aftershocks from THAT one. That’s one of the fun things about feminization through HRT. It literally allows you to experience female orgasms. Sounds pretty cool, eh? Problem is your old equipment is not rendered useless per se, it’s just that things are really screwy. It should be noted that regardless of what you do with your genitals, you always have a prostate (if you’re MTF like moi). I guess I need a book or a proper toy more like or to look up some massage techniques because I have not been successful getting off in this manner, though the effort is a LOT of fun 🀘

So yeah, I really wish I could come(ESPECIALLY now that I know what I’m missing!)and sometimes the HRT feels like a cruel joke because estrogen makes me UNBELIEVABLY horny most of the time. Literally, if you glance quick enough you might see me grinding my booty and making love to the air. Estradiol has truly inflamed my senses!But even if i can’t pop i still have a HELL of a lot of fun pleasing my Man and getting my booty drilled. I mean, it’s almost like there’s a sort of ascetic flavor to my sexploits these days, like a sort of tantric bliss. I’m glad I can at least still mostly scratch the intense psychological itch. I’m told this stuff takes patience and imagination 🀘

I plan to ask my Endocrinologist about an Orchie soon as I said, and the rest of surgical stuff i hope to do depends on how long it takes to get letters and referrals and stuff. In all honesty genital dysphoria has gotten a lot more intense as I’ve gotten deeper into transition. The spiro related shrinkage does make it a little less agonizing though. My Man has been really patient with me when we’re intimate. I mean, I don’t really use my dick much for sex or solitary fun at all any more. Even if using it feels nice it just totally fucks up the contents of my head too much so I’m just very much enjoying being a total bottom/Sub(as I’ve been gravitating towards for my whole life) and focusing on touch and sensation lately as well as more psychological factors when we’re intimate.

So there it is. More than you ever wanted to know about Lily Jane 🌷

Also, HAPPY FALL AND YAY FOR BATTLE JACKET WEATHER 🀘(photo from yesterday when I began this post)

Have a lovely Thursday, Y’all. Time for this Flower Girl to go to workπŸ’‹

-Lily Jane 🌷

Adventures in Flowering Part Two

Howdy, y’all 😸Today is a day off for me and I’m feeling kinda reflective and sort of trippy and surreal all at once. This is not at all to say that I’m feeling bad, just in a deeply contemplative headspace. I’ve been out as a Transgender Woman officially since 2-19-2018. Ten months later after seeing my Gender therapist a few times I began feminizing hormone therapy. It’s already done quite a bit at not even nine months yet but more crucial than any physical change it’s given me (don’t get me wrong, I freaking LOVE my Breasts🌷) is what it’s done for my mental health.

I struggled with mental illness in my early years and teens, but it was mostly functional until after high school. I was diagnosed bipolar when I was 22. After getting taken to the psych unit by the police. Yeah. I had first really started feeling trans(though I didn’t really fully understand what I was experiencing at the time) around this time and basically I allowed collective social pressures to push my inner girl back into the closet for nearly thirteen more years.

I was in and out of hospitals a lot in my twenties and I was a freaking MESS. Gender dysphoria clearly wasn’t the only thing messing with my head but it was damned sure a major factor. The first few years I was with my boyfriend I know my mental illness was pretty frightening to him. But he and so many people I know have told me that they have seen a remarkable change for the positive in my psyche in the time I’ve been on HRT. My therapists have also made similar comments. Before I was transitioning and on HRT my boyfriend wasn’t sure if he was going to be able to handle me long term but he’s been a truly amazing and supportive ally on this journey. I’m still bipolar and bad days are going to come but things are nowhere near as dark and hopeless feeling as they used to be. In many ways it feels like estradiol has sort of rewired my brain. Some things that seem trivial absolutely cut through me with explosive force now. It really doesn’t take much these days to make me cry but….I’m slowly but surely making more sense of my emotions and my weird impulses.

So what’s changed? My breasts are up to a B cup though until just a week or so ago I hadn’t noticed the nipples getting much bigger, hopefully more progesterone will help 🌷), my skin is the absolute softest it’s ever been, Estradiol has virtually eliminated most of my unwanted body hair and I’m definitely noticing a little more ‘Girl’ in my face these days. I over analyze the hell out of that last part. I just have a lot of anxiety about it sometimes because I doubt I’d ever be able to afford Facial Feminization Surgery and I’m hoping the HRT proves to be sufficient. I feel kinda stupid admitting that but yeah, sometimes I think ‘Am I ever going to look convincingly female?’ I hate to say it(because shit like that just reinforces bullshit stereotypes)but I take a lot of shit and sometimes I just long so hard to blend in a little. I know my femininity is adequate enough and so am I, but my voice still clocks me instantly, face is a little better at almost 9 months.

Still, even with Spiro making me dumb and confused and loopy, life is a LOT better than pre Transition. I used to freak out and be obsessive when I couldn’t find something or whatever. Nowadays I’m just like ‘Oh well’. The main thing messing with me right now is my working life. Not really making enough money on the beach and not wanting to get too involved with looking for jobs until I have my legal stuff signed in blood(I’m sick of how awkward the name thing makes interviews). Anyhow, that stuff IS moving along as I have a phone appointment with the lawyer TOMORROW. I mean, I’ve at least made it this far, which I never thought possible. My family hasn’t thrown me away. In fact we’re pretty tight these days! Things aren’t great with my Dad but… We shall see. I’ve lost some friends but the ones that stuck by me are closer than ever as well as many new ones emerging. I haven’t yet made it through but I’m staying the fucking course here. I still have moments when I pause and just start weeping joyfully because I’m actually fucking out of the cage I spent 35 years in🀘

I’ve been trying to find some way to get involved with activism. I guess I need to call Equality Florida again, they never called me back about me volunteering. It would also be good if I started going to Metro in Clearwater. I am HURTING for some local community or at least a few local friends.

*sigh*I really wish HRT appointments weren’t six months apart. I wanna ask my endocrinologist about switching to injectable estrogen, and find out about referrals for surgical consultation for at least an orchiectomy because this spironolactone stuff is REALLY cramping my style(and basic reasoning). Time to make a list of things to ask the doctor in DECEMBER *sigh*

So aside from all that stuff I’m doing pretty well with the RA stuff lately. Relatively low pain though still a bit fatigued lately. I have an infusion Thursday followed by lunch with my Man and Mom and Aunt Mary so YAY! That’ll be good fun 🀘

As y’all can see, my new hat is still extremely new and exciting to Me 🀣

Anyhow, I’m going to go enjoy some of my fabulous medical cannabis now and have Me some quality time with my Darling Man😍

With copious amounts of Morbid Flower Girl Love:

Lily Jane 🌷

Second Awkward Teenage Blues

This is something that keeps occurring to me lately, that I’m basically going through a more appropriate form of learning to be yet again. I try to not look goofy but sometimes I like to have a bit of fun with my outfits. I’m 35 going on 36 and I’m just now finally letting my guard down enough to let myself just be a girl. I spent my teenage feeling repulsive and hating most of the available clothes. I wasn’t even close to having myself figured out in those days but it was certainly in the works. So now I find myself out as transgender with most of my friends, family and work people. It’s been a little scary at times but largely a really good experience. A lot of really awesome people have revealed themselves as allies and my existing friends have been really incredible and supportive. My Mom too, bless her heart. Even though my Death Metal style kind of irks her πŸ˜›

So now where I find myself is….looking for an Endocrinologist and inquiring about beginning HRT. Building up a wardrobe and working on makeup skills which are still honestly pretty modest. Managing the RA as well as I can and getting lots of time on the bicycle because it helps me maintain a nice figure.

Aside from that, seeing my therapist, going to work, and immersing myself in music I’ve been rather laid back lately. Perhaps content is a better word. I had a neat experience getting ready for work yesterday. Got kind of zoned out while looking in the mirror while thinking of doing my makeup and hair. Looked myself over and had a few brief words with myself. As joyful tears began to drip all I could manage to say was ‘Thank you for letting me out of my cage’. I tear up just remembering it. It was one of the most unbelievably happy moments of my life. I’m still afraid. It just isn’t enough to stop me anymore. I’m coming into my own, I know who I am and I wouldn’t trade it for anything under the Sun.

All across the board people are astounding me with how cool they’re actually willing to be. There was a drunk couple at my work last night that I thought were making fun of me at first but wasn’t sure, turns out they were totally cool. Had a nice chat with me as they left and ran into me after I got off work and bought me a beer. I get nervous and apprehensive at times but…

The world is changing for the better. It may be hard to see at times, but I feel it in my heart and it’s beautiful and liberating and exciting all at once. That’s food enough for Me.

The future is so bright I need shades 😘

Love-

Lily Jane πŸ’œ