Ms. Lily Jane’s Most Amazing Journey

I just quietly realized as I was sitting on my couch thinking about what to say that…..

I have been transitioning for nearly a full year since I came out in February of 2018. It’s been both immensely satisfying and highly challenging. Today is day 52 on hormone therapy and I’m already seeing a decent amount of softening in the face as well as breast development. In the last year I’ve made some really cool new friends, started a discussion group on Facebook for Transgender Metalheads, and been fairly diligent about keeping up with my usual therapist as well as my gender therapist. Generally speaking it’s been a great last year but not without a few complications and whatnot. I have a great supportive family and group of local friends. My dear online family between facebook and Instagram is pretty extensive and I have a lot of people I chat/text with fairly on the regular. These people are AMAZING. That said… I have become somewhat more isolated in the last year.

Some of this was inevitable. A lot of my friends have kids now or live farther away. We all have work schedules that get in the way too. I have a lot of people who check up on me (or whom I try to look out for as well as I can) but I still find so very much of my life to be a solo mission.

Don’t get me wrong, my darling is amazing. But it has been a rough last several weeks for me with my work life drying up and him being so busy with theatre. Both He and my Job have always done so much to fill that social void. I’ve determined that I need to get myself reinvolved at least with my backstage life. I don’t know when I’ll be comfortable enough to be a performer again but I hope someday that I will because theatre did so much in the past to build my confidence and I really miss all my playhouse people.

I just hope I can be on point and reliable. I’ve got a bit of social anxiety issues I’m grappling with lately and being a Transgender Bipolar Lady with ADHD and Rheumatoid Arthritis… Well…. I feel like I rarely get a break. I’m losing physical strength from the hormones(plus my Boobs hurt like HELL) and I’m trying to find something new to break into for work.

At the very least…. I need to get out more. I didn’t start transitioning so I could become a damned hermit!

So time to get the hell back into the arts. I NEED IT.

Hope you all have a splendid Sunday!

-Lily Jane 🌷

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On the deepest Love

For much of my time on this earth my romantic life has been a disaster. Men and Women have gotten close to me over the years but something always went wrong. I spent a great deal of my twenties constantly sobbing and hurting while desperately trying to figure out what the hell I wanted. People would tell me that they loved me but I was ‘too intense’ or they cheated on me or had intimacy issues or whatever. 

The Women I was with always wanted me to be way more alpha than I was and I knew I wanted to be with Men but I was still in the closet with a lot of people and being with women was the ‘safe’ thing. But I was miserable. In the times when I did have a boyfriend they got all weird when we got close and my personality was a bit too odd for them.  I was pretty sure I’d never be happy with another human being. This went on until I was about thirty-two.

I was coming off a terrible relationship with a girl who was my best friend in high school. She leeched off me and sucked me dry for years hardly ever working and just drained the life from me. When I finally got away my friends were really supportive. Apparently they all loved me and couldn’t understand why I put up with it as long as I did.  So then I actually did something rational and just stayed single for a year. Turned out to be a good move.

I was still active in theatre at the time and got offered a Stage Managing gig in a show I was cast in. At the audition i saw Shannon, an actor I knew from when we did Arsenic and Old Lace a year before. Didn’t think much of it at the time but things were already changing for me. 

As we got deeper into rehearsal Shannon and I started getting to know one another and whatnot. We were being professional but I was… sensing little things that made me go hmm. Finally we began performances after a grueling rehearsal process. 

In this play we were in there’s a scene where my character beats up his character. I got a bit carried away one night and actually kinda broke the set with his body. As we got backstage I asked him if he was alright. He says ‘Yeah, I’ve been waiting for you to manhandle me like that.’. I’m like ‘Yeah?’ and we went back to doing the show. One night I gave him a ride home and we had our first kiss. Things really started blossoming at the cast party. Showmance is supposed to be deadly but it freaking worked for me πŸ™‚

After that show closed we had an intense whirlwind romance. So exciting and passionate, unlike anything I’ve ever experienced with anyone. Not butterflies as much as deep contentment at having made a soul connection. I knew right away that I wanted to show this person my vulnerable underbelly and let him in my heart. Thus I have. It was so awesome of my Mom letting me borrow her car on the weekends to be with him. My Mom adores Shannon and I think she sees that he’s so much better to me than anyone ever has been. 

I feel like being with him has gotten me realigned with the better aspects of my nature. The part of me that just wants to promulgate love and light and beauty all around. I do my damnedest to be there for him in all the ways he is for me. It’s like ‘Goddammit I fucking love you and I’m taking care of you when you’re old!’. 

I mean it. He nurtures me in all the right ways. Inspires me. Builds me up. Helps me believe in myself. Holds me when I’m sad. Dries my tears. Rubs my shoulders when I’m stiff. Runs his fingers through my hair when I rest my head on his chest. Makes me feel more valued than I thought possible. Stirs the joy within me. Fills me with something that I can barely comprehend. 

He and I have lived together for two years now. We have a nice little family, his Dog and Cat and my Kitty and I. Our work schedules make it difficult but we capitalize on the time we do get. He has graduated from boyfriend, to lover , to fiancee. 

A lot of people seem to look down on guys being more feminine or ‘sissy’ or whatever you want to call it. I mean, I’m reasonably masculine, I just don’t limit myself to it. I’ve never really been a regular guy in that sense. I’m sensitive AF and I like being more submissive and giving in a romantic sense. Figuring this out about myself has been truly one of the greatest joys of my life. Articulating myself romantically, sexually and emotionally has been well worth the rough journey. I know who I am and how I want to love and live and I’m fucking doing it. 

Something about this Man lights a fire under my ass and I refuse to let him go. If you come near him I will fuck you up πŸ˜‰

I realize a diatribe about how much I love my boyfriend may not make for the most interesting reading but oh well πŸ™‚ I just had some thoughts I wished to share with the interwebz.

It’s funny. I say the last show we did is when we hooked up, but I think it started way earlier, at least for me. In our first show, (Arsenic) he was the police lieutenant who chews me out. During that scene he poked me in the chest like an Irish Nun. I didn’t understand at the time what it was making me feel but it obviously stirred me deeply. Every poke freaking stunned me and nearly threw me off. I maintained but the rest is obviously history πŸ™‚

Anyhow-

Love and Light:

Thom (Shannon’s Bride)

General (A)musingsΒ 

I’ve just been trying to find a little peace the last few weeks. Here are some of the recent issues/happenings here @ the Planet:

1. Methotrexate. This medication is a freaking punch in the gut. I’ve come to refer to it as my weekly flu. If I take it around 2 pm as I’m wrapping up work I have time to finish work and get home before it really kicks in. But by Six or Seven PM I’m starting to feel considerably less right. Not exactly throwing up sick, more like unbelievably weak and horrible brain fog. I thought I had a pretty good handle on this med but I had a rough time with last week’s dose. I felt relatively alright and decided to go to Publix for something to cook for dinner. I got a bad episode of the brain fog and fatigue as I was walking through the store. The person checking me out asked me if I was okay. After I spent way too long walking in circles confused and looking lost and sick. I was so embarrassed by this. The people at the downtown Publix are really nice and were just looking out but I just felt like such a fucking brainless twit which I hate. I’ve noticed a significant decline in symptoms since starting the higher dose of methotrexate but the stuff is so damn rough. Sometimes I get really sad because I want to do something fun but I have to sit at home by myself and feel like freaking death on what’s supposed to be my damn day off.  Apologies for being so dramatic but I’m really frustrated by this and not sure if it’s worth it or not.  The hilarious thing is that right after I wrote the last few paragraphs this week’s methotrexate dose was relatively mild. How about that? Life will go to any length to prove me wrong.

2. Shannon no home. This (still) makes me feel lost and adrift. I mean, I didn’t get to see a lot of him when he was here with him working overnight, but I could still crack the bedroom door and watch him sleep like a freaking Angel. Things are beginning to look up. Only two and a half weeks until he gets home. I’ve been doing my best to be strong. The nights stretch on for ages and drive me absolutely mad with desperate longing. However, there is plenty of hope in there as well. He calls or texts me every day and it always lifts up my weathered Spirit. The time seems to be passing more quickly than the first six weeks did. As the days creep away my twisted little heart swells with anticipation of my lover’s return. I always somehow knew when I was with women that it just felt awkward and uncomfortable. The sex was great but emotionally it just wasn’t what I was after. I never married a woman because I had to know what it was like to love another man. Having found my Darling makes me feel like I’m the luckiest dumb fuck on the face of the earth. He completes me in a way no-one else ever has. He’s kind, nurturing and more than just a bit weird. He brings out facets of my personality I had led myself to believe were no more. I like to think of it as my inner light or something. A kind, gentle and deeply affectionate and passionate energy I seem to radiate around him. This probably sounds like ridiculous disgusting couple shit but I’m merely trying to articulate what he makes me feel like. If I wanted to sum it up to a single statement it would be: Shannon brings out the best in me. 

3. My gnawing doubt about myself as an artist and performer. This is a sticky one. I’ve been outside the loop long enough that I feel like my modest skills are not really enough to stand on or market myself with. My boyfriend would disagree of course, and perhaps he’s right. It’s just that my confidence is a little screwed up. I know that I need to get back to my theatre life which I terribly miss. Maybe I’ll sing again some day. I just don’t know.

4.As far as work, I’m preparing myself for the unknown. I was talking to my boss while I was unloading a bus tub full of dishes. He says to me ‘So Thom, are you excited about next week?’. I pause for a moment and reply ‘What happens next week?’. Him: ‘Oh, maybe I should let Dan tell you.’. Me: ‘Am I in trouble?’ Him ‘No, quite the opposite. You begin Server training next week.’ I was surprised but said ‘Okay, cool.’. I’m excited about the earning potential and am going to do my best with it. We shall see. 

That’s about it for now. Counting down the days and trying to not go completely mad πŸ˜‰

Adios-

Thom

Go ahead, say it…

So I’ve determined that I need theatre in my life. However, my body is pretty banged up and I’m thinking my boyfriend has the right idea. He tells me that I should focus on being an actor for a good while and audition frequently.

I love being a backstage guy and Stage Managing but the last show i stage managed ran me into the ground. I was rehearsing another show at the same time and working full time. I was exhausted, trippy and looking back I realized something:

I could have done so much more as a SM if my attention wasn’t split. I think I’m a one show at a time person. I have to be realistic about my mental boundaries.

That said, the next audition is in three weeks. Diary of Anne Frank. I am going to prepare myself and step outside of myself a bit. All I’ve done is comedy. I badly want to do some Drama. if I get a part, great. If not I keep fucking going. Ad astra.

-Thom

Things….

Things have been pretty super chill lately. I’ve been spending time with my Man, going to work six days a week and doing quite well by all measurements. I used my Employee of the Month bonus check to buy a black utility kilt which I absolutely adore. Getting ready to get back into my Stagehand gig and thoroughly excited about it.

I’m going to be moving in with my boyfriend soon. I’m over there so much with my mom’s car anyway that I’d like to stop burning her fuel budget. It’s kind of win win because I’ll be paying less than I am now and I’ll be out of my mother’s hair. I’ll be closer to my theatre too, which is a major plus.

I’m really excited about it. I’m going to start moving around August. When he gets back from his trip to Alaska, that is.
Aside from that, not a lot is going on. Just plugging away with the at times quite absurd game of life πŸ™‚

My Theatrical Experience

Just for shits and giggles, here’s a list of every show I’ve been involved with since I late bloomed into a theatre person. By category:

Stage Crew:

The Pajama Game 2012

You Can’t Take it With You 2012 (also on stage in Act 2)

Damn Yankees 2013

Pippin 2013

Sugar Babies 2013 (Got hurt and had to bail)

Beau Jest 2015

On Stage-

Crazy For You (Moose) 2012

Arsenic and Old Lace (O’Hara) 2013

Guys and Dolls (Ensemble) 2014

A Flea In Her Ear (Rugby, also Stage Manager) 2015

Stage Manager

Is He Dead? 2013

Lucky Stiff- 2013

Not that impressive, but I’m proud of it.

O RLY?!?!?

Life is, well… it’s more than acceptable. Things are going pretty swimmingly at present. Despite my strong urge to distrust it, it’s actually quite awesome. I have successfully insinuated my way into involvement with the Summer Musical at the Playhouse I work at after about a two month break. Nothing on stage, but doing quite possibly my favorite thing on Earth- being a stagehand. I adore acting and stage managing, but I find stage crewing uniquely exhilarating and fun. I am in the zone when I’m in the dark. Got my gloves, my head light and whatever other tools I may use. I feel like I’m lost in joyous war or something.

As for my Boyfriend, he’s his usual charming self. Oh my heavens does he make me laugh. He is seriously witty in a dry, sort of unusual way. I’m doing dinner with he and my best friend in two days, so much looking forward to it. Didn’t get to see him on my last day off so umm, the fires are burning. I’m certain of one thing. Having a Boyfriend I love makes me ditzy as all hell. I’m having a blast, mind you. Just, I dunno… I got it bad πŸ˜‰

Work is work, but is not at all bad right now. I was kind of depressed about work after I got home yesterday. Nothing bad happened, I just felt trampled by the day I had. Then this morning I got Employee of the Month. I needed something like this. I didn’t feel unappreciated but I kind of felt like no one noticed how hard I worked. I stand corrected. Getting a gift card and my photo on the wall. So that’s cool I guess.

I’m doing my best to get through. It’s what I do.