On the deepest Love

For much of my time on this earth my romantic life has been a disaster. Men and Women have gotten close to me over the years but something always went wrong. I spent a great deal of my twenties constantly sobbing and hurting while desperately trying to figure out what the hell I wanted. People would tell me that they loved me but I was ‘too intense’ or they cheated on me or had intimacy issues or whatever. 

The Women I was with always wanted me to be way more alpha than I was and I knew I wanted to be with Men but I was still in the closet with a lot of people and being with women was the ‘safe’ thing. But I was miserable. In the times when I did have a boyfriend they got all weird when we got close and my personality was a bit too odd for them.  I was pretty sure I’d never be happy with another human being. This went on until I was about thirty-two.

I was coming off a terrible relationship with a girl who was my best friend in high school. She leeched off me and sucked me dry for years hardly ever working and just drained the life from me. When I finally got away my friends were really supportive. Apparently they all loved me and couldn’t understand why I put up with it as long as I did.  So then I actually did something rational and just stayed single for a year. Turned out to be a good move.

I was still active in theatre at the time and got offered a Stage Managing gig in a show I was cast in. At the audition i saw Shannon, an actor I knew from when we did Arsenic and Old Lace a year before. Didn’t think much of it at the time but things were already changing for me. 

As we got deeper into rehearsal Shannon and I started getting to know one another and whatnot. We were being professional but I was… sensing little things that made me go hmm. Finally we began performances after a grueling rehearsal process. 

In this play we were in there’s a scene where my character beats up his character. I got a bit carried away one night and actually kinda broke the set with his body. As we got backstage I asked him if he was alright. He says ‘Yeah, I’ve been waiting for you to manhandle me like that.’. I’m like ‘Yeah?’ and we went back to doing the show. One night I gave him a ride home and we had our first kiss. Things really started blossoming at the cast party. Showmance is supposed to be deadly but it freaking worked for me 🙂

After that show closed we had an intense whirlwind romance. So exciting and passionate, unlike anything I’ve ever experienced with anyone. Not butterflies as much as deep contentment at having made a soul connection. I knew right away that I wanted to show this person my vulnerable underbelly and let him in my heart. Thus I have. It was so awesome of my Mom letting me borrow her car on the weekends to be with him. My Mom adores Shannon and I think she sees that he’s so much better to me than anyone ever has been. 

I feel like being with him has gotten me realigned with the better aspects of my nature. The part of me that just wants to promulgate love and light and beauty all around. I do my damnedest to be there for him in all the ways he is for me. It’s like ‘Goddammit I fucking love you and I’m taking care of you when you’re old!’. 

I mean it. He nurtures me in all the right ways. Inspires me. Builds me up. Helps me believe in myself. Holds me when I’m sad. Dries my tears. Rubs my shoulders when I’m stiff. Runs his fingers through my hair when I rest my head on his chest. Makes me feel more valued than I thought possible. Stirs the joy within me. Fills me with something that I can barely comprehend. 

He and I have lived together for two years now. We have a nice little family, his Dog and Cat and my Kitty and I. Our work schedules make it difficult but we capitalize on the time we do get. He has graduated from boyfriend, to lover , to fiancee. 

A lot of people seem to look down on guys being more feminine or ‘sissy’ or whatever you want to call it. I mean, I’m reasonably masculine, I just don’t limit myself to it. I’ve never really been a regular guy in that sense. I’m sensitive AF and I like being more submissive and giving in a romantic sense. Figuring this out about myself has been truly one of the greatest joys of my life. Articulating myself romantically, sexually and emotionally has been well worth the rough journey. I know who I am and how I want to love and live and I’m fucking doing it. 

Something about this Man lights a fire under my ass and I refuse to let him go. If you come near him I will fuck you up 😉

I realize a diatribe about how much I love my boyfriend may not make for the most interesting reading but oh well 🙂 I just had some thoughts I wished to share with the interwebz.

It’s funny. I say the last show we did is when we hooked up, but I think it started way earlier, at least for me. In our first show, (Arsenic) he was the police lieutenant who chews me out. During that scene he poked me in the chest like an Irish Nun. I didn’t understand at the time what it was making me feel but it obviously stirred me deeply. Every poke freaking stunned me and nearly threw me off. I maintained but the rest is obviously history 🙂

Anyhow-

Love and Light:

Thom (Shannon’s Bride)

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