On the deepest Love

For much of my time on this earth my romantic life has been a disaster. Men and Women have gotten close to me over the years but something always went wrong. I spent a great deal of my twenties constantly sobbing and hurting while desperately trying to figure out what the hell I wanted. People would tell me that they loved me but I was ‘too intense’ or they cheated on me or had intimacy issues or whatever. 

The Women I was with always wanted me to be way more alpha than I was and I knew I wanted to be with Men but I was still in the closet with a lot of people and being with women was the ‘safe’ thing. But I was miserable. In the times when I did have a boyfriend they got all weird when we got close and my personality was a bit too odd for them.  I was pretty sure I’d never be happy with another human being. This went on until I was about thirty-two.

I was coming off a terrible relationship with a girl who was my best friend in high school. She leeched off me and sucked me dry for years hardly ever working and just drained the life from me. When I finally got away my friends were really supportive. Apparently they all loved me and couldn’t understand why I put up with it as long as I did.  So then I actually did something rational and just stayed single for a year. Turned out to be a good move.

I was still active in theatre at the time and got offered a Stage Managing gig in a show I was cast in. At the audition i saw Shannon, an actor I knew from when we did Arsenic and Old Lace a year before. Didn’t think much of it at the time but things were already changing for me. 

As we got deeper into rehearsal Shannon and I started getting to know one another and whatnot. We were being professional but I was… sensing little things that made me go hmm. Finally we began performances after a grueling rehearsal process. 

In this play we were in there’s a scene where my character beats up his character. I got a bit carried away one night and actually kinda broke the set with his body. As we got backstage I asked him if he was alright. He says ‘Yeah, I’ve been waiting for you to manhandle me like that.’. I’m like ‘Yeah?’ and we went back to doing the show. One night I gave him a ride home and we had our first kiss. Things really started blossoming at the cast party. Showmance is supposed to be deadly but it freaking worked for me ๐Ÿ™‚

After that show closed we had an intense whirlwind romance. So exciting and passionate, unlike anything I’ve ever experienced with anyone. Not butterflies as much as deep contentment at having made a soul connection. I knew right away that I wanted to show this person my vulnerable underbelly and let him in my heart. Thus I have. It was so awesome of my Mom letting me borrow her car on the weekends to be with him. My Mom adores Shannon and I think she sees that he’s so much better to me than anyone ever has been. 

I feel like being with him has gotten me realigned with the better aspects of my nature. The part of me that just wants to promulgate love and light and beauty all around. I do my damnedest to be there for him in all the ways he is for me. It’s like ‘Goddammit I fucking love you and I’m taking care of you when you’re old!’. 

I mean it. He nurtures me in all the right ways. Inspires me. Builds me up. Helps me believe in myself. Holds me when I’m sad. Dries my tears. Rubs my shoulders when I’m stiff. Runs his fingers through my hair when I rest my head on his chest. Makes me feel more valued than I thought possible. Stirs the joy within me. Fills me with something that I can barely comprehend. 

He and I have lived together for two years now. We have a nice little family, his Dog and Cat and my Kitty and I. Our work schedules make it difficult but we capitalize on the time we do get. He has graduated from boyfriend, to lover , to fiancee. 

A lot of people seem to look down on guys being more feminine or ‘sissy’ or whatever you want to call it. I mean, I’m reasonably masculine, I just don’t limit myself to it. I’ve never really been a regular guy in that sense. I’m sensitive AF and I like being more submissive and giving in a romantic sense. Figuring this out about myself has been truly one of the greatest joys of my life. Articulating myself romantically, sexually and emotionally has been well worth the rough journey. I know who I am and how I want to love and live and I’m fucking doing it. 

Something about this Man lights a fire under my ass and I refuse to let him go. If you come near him I will fuck you up ๐Ÿ˜‰

I realize a diatribe about how much I love my boyfriend may not make for the most interesting reading but oh well ๐Ÿ™‚ I just had some thoughts I wished to share with the interwebz.

It’s funny. I say the last show we did is when we hooked up, but I think it started way earlier, at least for me. In our first show, (Arsenic) he was the police lieutenant who chews me out. During that scene he poked me in the chest like an Irish Nun. I didn’t understand at the time what it was making me feel but it obviously stirred me deeply. Every poke freaking stunned me and nearly threw me off. I maintained but the rest is obviously history ๐Ÿ™‚

Anyhow-

Love and Light:

Thom (Shannon’s Bride)

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Priorities

I have a few, if not a great many. I want to explore the planet and stand in the sun with a will and be dangerous. The Khalil Gibran interpolation aside, I want to challenge myself. I know I’m not an idiot, but I am kind of an underachiever in many ways.

I try to cut myself some slack. This is a delicate balance in itself. I mean, I’m not incarcerated or held against my will in a hospital having my brain completely twisted with drugs, so that’s a plus I suppose. Honestly, things are better now than I thought they would ever get. For several years I was slowly recovering from my second nervous breakdown. Both came close to totally ruining my life.

I was on a crazy check for almost five years. The fact that I’m supporting myself and in a stable and loving relationship is still somewhat astonishing to me. I’m not out of the woods, but I made it through several years of total fucking darkness and despair.

It’s amazing to be with a guy who builds me up and inspires me like he does. He makes me laugh like no one ever has or ever will again. Or something. I’m being obnoxious and glowing so expect a few bottles of pure nauseating sap from the chief harbinger.

But on to the point (which I do have):

What is the next step?

Marriage for one. A trip to Alaska this fall is officially signed in blood and sealed. But then? My man is trying to get into law school and I’m not sure where that will lead us geographically. I need to develop some kind of lucrative skill here so I can live reasonably well, but what?

I have to accept the fact that I have certain limitations. I mean, I do fairly well for being a bipolar kid on extended release Ritalin with arthritis and tendonitis. However, I’m getting older and I fully understand that I’m not an indestructible machine. My first brush with sciatica was like tasting my own mortality for the first time. It certainly brought me down a peg being barely able to walk.

I think a lot about what I might be good at. I’m neurotic and detail oriented so I’ve always thought something technical and analytical would be for the best. But I have to start thinking a bit harder about this stuff. Life is happening and all.

I also think I’m approaching the point where I’d like my spiritual pursuits to go beyond the realm of solitary practice. Maybe one of the Thelemic societies or a Gardnerian Coven (I do not believe that the two are exclusive of one another). I think it is time to turn will into action.

May it be so for you as well.

93

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Health Update

I seem to be doing pretty well overall. I’m still experiencing some wrist inflammation, but Advil keeps it at bay most of the time. Blood pressure is well controlled and my back has not given me much trouble lately.

I saw my psych Dr. A few days ago and my cocktail is pretty much the same as it’s been for a while. One thing is changing though: My ADHD med. I’ve been on Ritalin for about six months after having some blood pressure issues from adderall. I’ve gotten similar results to adderall, but the Ritalin SR craps out a lot quicker. For this reason I’m switching to concerta. This should give me a few hours of extra coverage and get me through the workday.

The wrist is still screwy but not as bad as it was. I can’t really take any more cortisone so I to some extent just have to deal with it.

Aside from that, life is awesome. I’m engaged and visiting Alaska with my amazing fiancee in August.

I am alive with toe-curling feral delight. Yay.

On s#&t getting real…

Pray for Thom. Oh, shall I need it. I knew it was only a matter of time. My Dad knows I’m gay and that’s where we’re at. Granted, I’m surprised he didn’t notice it until today. I’m sure there was speculation but until I posted about my boyfriend today it was just that.

I hadn’t really hidden it in a long time as doing so was ripping my soul apart. All the worry and stress finally got to where I was no longer willing to live like that. I came out on Facebook and added my Dad as a friend. Again, it was only a matter of time before it occurred to him that something might me, I dunno… Not straight.

I’ve been running from this forever and I finally decided to stop and just let it get me. My emotions are all over the place and I’m nursing a beer as I try to keep my wits about me.

I’m such a head case right now it’s not funny. Light a candle and spill some blood for your humble narrator. I need all the help I can get at the moment.

-T

Guess what?

Are you foaming at the mouth to know? Because it’s not really a big deal. Okay,ย  here goes: I’m gay. Not a huge deal, right? I still haven’t been able to admit this to myself for the better part of my thirty-three years. I think my family AND most of the women in my life have known this way longer than I have.

I’ve enjoyed the things I’ve done with women but never been comfortable with the way it’s made me feel. As if I’m not allowed to enjoy being myself. As if I need to be a knight in shining armor. As if I’ve needed to be something I’m not. I should go ahead and tell you that I reject a lot of what people think it means to be a man. I stand up for those I value and I do my best to be an honorable and ethical person but… That’s not all that defines a man now is it?

When I met my first girlfriend I treasured and worshipped her. But I could never quite be what she needed. I almost walked down the aisle for her. I was committed but….still uncomfortable. Girls, excuse me … Women.. Always required a certain level of … I guess aggressionย  from me that simply wasn’t there.

For years I made myself hopelessly miserable trying to conform to what I thought women wanted. I loved them deeply but could never be that alpha male they so burned for. I wanted so badly to be what they wanted that I incinerated all sense of myself in favor of what the situation required.

Despite occasional moments of ecstasy I was losing my mind. I was engaged, installing ACs for a living, driving a truck and seemingly living the dream. Only I wanted to die every day. Every day I took a long hard look at myself and threw it in the garbage because I loved her so desperately I wanted it to be true.

I ended up breaking up with her. I knew why but wasn’t ready to intellectualize it. When I told her I felt something light strike me in the chest. It was the engagement ring I gave her. I said ‘What’s this?’. She replied ‘What do you think?’ as I quietly wept.

I don’t hold it against her. She just wanted her man to be her man. I just decided to cut and run before I made an even bigger mess.

Long have I mutilated myself in the name of being what others expect of me. I finally gave up on my last heterosexual relationship as a matter of practicality. She was using me and I wasn’t even vaguely attracted to her anymore. Her being so spiteful made it easier than expected.

So after several years of wasted effort I found myself living with Mom again. Working a shitty food prep job and just generally hating life, really. This went on for nearly a year. Then, something happened that made me feel validated. I’ll expand on that in a moment.

I was engaged to be married not once but twice. But both times a nagging thought invaded my head. ‘What if this isn’t really what you want?!?’. It ate at me constantly and became the focal point of my thought.

I escaped the altar once to … Do it again?!? This is what I kept thinking to myself with a girl who was my best friend since high school. Both times I was told that I was fully accepted for what I was but… As long as you’re my man. This didn’t seem like too tall an order until….

I found myself thinking about my old boyfriend all the time. Knowing it didn’t work but wishing it had. Missing something I couldn’t put my finger on. Nights of the most weepy solitude wishing I knew what the hell my problem was. Nights of holding myself in my own arms and yearning for peace.ย ย ย  Nights of getting to know myself fully.

So… I stayed alone. Lived at my mother’s home, went to work and pretty much cursed life 24/7. But then as I said before, something happened. Out of boredom I decided to go to my first theatrical audition. I had been in a few shows but never actually earned a part.

When I auditioned for ‘A Flea In Her Ear’ I ran into Shannon, who I knew from ‘Arsenic and Old Lace’ in the previous year. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but my life was already changing.

I worked really hard on this show, as an actor and a Stage Manager. There was something building slowly between Shannon and I but again I couldn’t quite wrap my head around it. The show went on and we all worked really hard as the show required.

As we entered performances it seemed like business as usual. Little did I know what was in store. There’s a scene in act two of ‘Flea’ where my character (Rugby, horny British guest at the hotel d’amour beats up Shannon’s character Jacques)I got a little into it one night. Like broke the set with his body into it.
I went up to Shannon backstage and asked if he was alright. He said something to the effect of ‘I’ve been waiting for you to manhandle me like that for a year and a half!’.

My immediate reaction was one of a wide smirking ‘Yeah?!?’. We got through that night of the show but from there the interest was firmly established.

About halfway through the run, one of the actors had a party on Clearwater Beach that we all went to. I coyly asked Shannon if he had a ride as I was rocking Mom’s minivan at the time. He replied he didn’t and I began to put my plan into action.

I played it cool, as we both tried to. We both knew what was up. We began holding hands as we crossed the bridge to the beach as Depeche Mode oozed through the speakers. I think everyone at the party knew we had a thing going.

That show plus rehearsing another almost pushed me over the edge but… Something was happening to me. My gait was light and my belly was full of butterflies. I felt like a tipsy teenage girl and pretty much acted like one.

It only took a couple months of this to completely turn my world upside down. People at work would say to me ‘What the hell has gotten into YOU?’. I would say ‘I’m just in a good mood is all.’ But my huge smirk would betray me.

I was in love. Like hard. And I still am. This is why I never walked down the aisle with a woman. Because I couldn’t bring myself to murder the essence of my being. Because I didn’t want to get married, have kids, finally realize I’m queer for sure and be like ‘See ya!’.  One because it wasn’t what I wanted and two because I couldn’t bring myself to do that to another human being.

I had been with men when I formed my relationships with women. But I had never loved another man. I knew if I tied the knot I was risking the prospect of never knowing. And I. Just. Couldn’t.

When my relationship with Shannon began to blossom I was nervous and terrified but oddly at peace because it was finally happening to me after all that madness and soul searching.

I am a homosexual. And that’s just fine with me. For the first time in my life i feel comfortable and at peace. This is what I want and I’m grateful beyond words for the freedom to express my being.

Thanks for reading, whoever you may be.

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A fine romance…

Is what I find myself currently enjoying. Life has been pretty good, despite a few hiccups. I have a week and a half to go at my current job. Acute tendonitis is forcing me out of being a prep guy. I’m still going to be a cook for a while, but as a line guy strictly. Less knife work is good. I still have to go easy, but I’ll at least have some income. My doctor basically told me that my arm won’t get any better until I stop aggravating it. So, um… Yeah. I’m simply unable to keep up with the demands of the job I’m doing. Le sigh.

But my home and love life is fucking spectacular. For this I am grateful. I’m moved in with Shannon as of ten days ago. Our Cats are still being a little pissy but it’s not that big of a deal. My Man works overnight while I do mornings so at times we’re like ships passing in the night. But we take turns cooking and get our respective fixes of one another on the weekend.

I’ve never lived in a city before. It’s pretty neat. More to come ๐Ÿ™‚

Moving on!

Half my stuff is already in Clearwater. I’ve got clothes, books and a couple shelves to go. My Buddy Justin is snagging me a few boxes from his work tomorrow. Obviously the Kitty and related stuff comes last.ย  I’m really freaking excited and optimistic feeling.

I hope our Cats get along. That’s my primary concern aside from getting a bus pass. That, and spending every day possible swimming and being passionate about life. He’s letting me reorganize the kitchen as I see fit. Ah!  This is gonna be fun.  I’m so thrilled to be getting out of my Mom’s house.

That’s about all for now. Going forth and conquering and all that ๐Ÿ™‚