Today’s the day!

My Lover is in the Air as I compose this post. I’ll see him in like eleven hours and I couldn’t possibly be more excited. It’s been a rough nine weeks without him, but my animals and human friends have been really awesome and supportive and I’m grateful beyond words for them. 

I’m not sure what else I can tell you aside from the fact that I’m glowing and profoundly relieved to have my Baby coming home. I’ve tried my best to be strong and keep myself composed but it has been a difficult summer. I’m still a bit stressed about the dead season on the beach coming soon. Got to find myself something to fill in the gaps with.

Not much else is happening. I had an excellent little birthday party at the pub with ten friends so that was good fun. Got some Iron Maiden socks and two Maiden shirts 🙂

I’ve killed damn near the whole summer. A few more hours isn’t shit 😉

Love-

Thom

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Priorities

I have a few, if not a great many. I want to explore the planet and stand in the sun with a will and be dangerous. The Khalil Gibran interpolation aside, I want to challenge myself. I know I’m not an idiot, but I am kind of an underachiever in many ways.

I try to cut myself some slack. This is a delicate balance in itself. I mean, I’m not incarcerated or held against my will in a hospital having my brain completely twisted with drugs, so that’s a plus I suppose. Honestly, things are better now than I thought they would ever get. For several years I was slowly recovering from my second nervous breakdown. Both came close to totally ruining my life.

I was on a crazy check for almost five years. The fact that I’m supporting myself and in a stable and loving relationship is still somewhat astonishing to me. I’m not out of the woods, but I made it through several years of total fucking darkness and despair.

It’s amazing to be with a guy who builds me up and inspires me like he does. He makes me laugh like no one ever has or ever will again. Or something. I’m being obnoxious and glowing so expect a few bottles of pure nauseating sap from the chief harbinger.

But on to the point (which I do have):

What is the next step?

Marriage for one. A trip to Alaska this fall is officially signed in blood and sealed. But then? My man is trying to get into law school and I’m not sure where that will lead us geographically. I need to develop some kind of lucrative skill here so I can live reasonably well, but what?

I have to accept the fact that I have certain limitations. I mean, I do fairly well for being a bipolar kid on extended release Ritalin with arthritis and tendonitis. However, I’m getting older and I fully understand that I’m not an indestructible machine. My first brush with sciatica was like tasting my own mortality for the first time. It certainly brought me down a peg being barely able to walk.

I think a lot about what I might be good at. I’m neurotic and detail oriented so I’ve always thought something technical and analytical would be for the best. But I have to start thinking a bit harder about this stuff. Life is happening and all.

I also think I’m approaching the point where I’d like my spiritual pursuits to go beyond the realm of solitary practice. Maybe one of the Thelemic societies or a Gardnerian Coven (I do not believe that the two are exclusive of one another). I think it is time to turn will into action.

May it be so for you as well.

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Health Update

I seem to be doing pretty well overall. I’m still experiencing some wrist inflammation, but Advil keeps it at bay most of the time. Blood pressure is well controlled and my back has not given me much trouble lately.

I saw my psych Dr. A few days ago and my cocktail is pretty much the same as it’s been for a while. One thing is changing though: My ADHD med. I’ve been on Ritalin for about six months after having some blood pressure issues from adderall. I’ve gotten similar results to adderall, but the Ritalin SR craps out a lot quicker. For this reason I’m switching to concerta. This should give me a few hours of extra coverage and get me through the workday.

The wrist is still screwy but not as bad as it was. I can’t really take any more cortisone so I to some extent just have to deal with it.

Aside from that, life is awesome. I’m engaged and visiting Alaska with my amazing fiancee in August.

I am alive with toe-curling feral delight. Yay.

Joy flowing…

I am thrilled beyond words. He asked me to marry him! My response was ‘Of course!’. We had our anniversary dinner at home a week or two ago and he popped the question after I served us ribeyes with baked potatoes and salad. He had planned on taking us out somewhere but our lack of proper planning caused us to say ‘Let’s relax and do dinner at home!’. It was a good move, I think.

I love him so much. He brings out the proper balance of my energies. At least it feels like such to me. I don’t feel like we’re in any sort of competition, but are rather equal partners working as a team.  He’s really good to me and very understanding about my mental illness and the fact that I’m not always a portrait of stability. He builds me up and helps me believe in myself, something I’m not used to at all given my history.

The whole family knows now, and nothing bad happened. A few awkward moments, but I made it through the hard part, now I can just live gay and prosper or whatever.

Now the fun part, planning the wedding! We have agreed that it will be outdoors and decidedly Pagan 😉

More as it develops. I still can’t freaking believe it.

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The Unthinkable

I did it. I came out to my Dad. It wasn’t a big fiery scene, he just asked me and I didn’t deny it. We didn’t talk for about a week after that, due to both of us being busy but… Yeah. That’s where we’re at.

I don’t know about gay men, but I work with a decent amount of lesbians. They have all been really supportive through this matter. One girl told me ‘He’s your Dad, he’s not just gonna disown you outright. He might say, ‘Try not to get AIDS.’, but it’s really none of his business.’.

So, yeah. My Father told me he’s not exactly thrilled about my personal life. My response was ‘Well, you’re my Dad and I don’t love you any less, so let’s just leave it at that’. ‘Okay.’ Was his response.

So yeah, the moment I’ve feared since late teenage has come. And it wasn’t that big a deal.  Alright, I’ll take it.

And the world keeps turning, yanno?

On s#&t getting real…

Pray for Thom. Oh, shall I need it. I knew it was only a matter of time. My Dad knows I’m gay and that’s where we’re at. Granted, I’m surprised he didn’t notice it until today. I’m sure there was speculation but until I posted about my boyfriend today it was just that.

I hadn’t really hidden it in a long time as doing so was ripping my soul apart. All the worry and stress finally got to where I was no longer willing to live like that. I came out on Facebook and added my Dad as a friend. Again, it was only a matter of time before it occurred to him that something might me, I dunno… Not straight.

I’ve been running from this forever and I finally decided to stop and just let it get me. My emotions are all over the place and I’m nursing a beer as I try to keep my wits about me.

I’m such a head case right now it’s not funny. Light a candle and spill some blood for your humble narrator. I need all the help I can get at the moment.

-T

Guess what?

Are you foaming at the mouth to know? Because it’s not really a big deal. Okay,  here goes: I’m gay. Not a huge deal, right? I still haven’t been able to admit this to myself for the better part of my thirty-three years. I think my family AND most of the women in my life have known this way longer than I have.

I’ve enjoyed the things I’ve done with women but never been comfortable with the way it’s made me feel. As if I’m not allowed to enjoy being myself. As if I need to be a knight in shining armor. As if I’ve needed to be something I’m not. I should go ahead and tell you that I reject a lot of what people think it means to be a man. I stand up for those I value and I do my best to be an honorable and ethical person but… That’s not all that defines a man now is it?

When I met my first girlfriend I treasured and worshipped her. But I could never quite be what she needed. I almost walked down the aisle for her. I was committed but….still uncomfortable. Girls, excuse me … Women.. Always required a certain level of … I guess aggression  from me that simply wasn’t there.

For years I made myself hopelessly miserable trying to conform to what I thought women wanted. I loved them deeply but could never be that alpha male they so burned for. I wanted so badly to be what they wanted that I incinerated all sense of myself in favor of what the situation required.

Despite occasional moments of ecstasy I was losing my mind. I was engaged, installing ACs for a living, driving a truck and seemingly living the dream. Only I wanted to die every day. Every day I took a long hard look at myself and threw it in the garbage because I loved her so desperately I wanted it to be true.

I ended up breaking up with her. I knew why but wasn’t ready to intellectualize it. When I told her I felt something light strike me in the chest. It was the engagement ring I gave her. I said ‘What’s this?’. She replied ‘What do you think?’ as I quietly wept.

I don’t hold it against her. She just wanted her man to be her man. I just decided to cut and run before I made an even bigger mess.

Long have I mutilated myself in the name of being what others expect of me. I finally gave up on my last heterosexual relationship as a matter of practicality. She was using me and I wasn’t even vaguely attracted to her anymore. Her being so spiteful made it easier than expected.

So after several years of wasted effort I found myself living with Mom again. Working a shitty food prep job and just generally hating life, really. This went on for nearly a year. Then, something happened that made me feel validated. I’ll expand on that in a moment.

I was engaged to be married not once but twice. But both times a nagging thought invaded my head. ‘What if this isn’t really what you want?!?’. It ate at me constantly and became the focal point of my thought.

I escaped the altar once to … Do it again?!? This is what I kept thinking to myself with a girl who was my best friend since high school. Both times I was told that I was fully accepted for what I was but… As long as you’re my man. This didn’t seem like too tall an order until….

I found myself thinking about my old boyfriend all the time. Knowing it didn’t work but wishing it had. Missing something I couldn’t put my finger on. Nights of the most weepy solitude wishing I knew what the hell my problem was. Nights of holding myself in my own arms and yearning for peace.    Nights of getting to know myself fully.

So… I stayed alone. Lived at my mother’s home, went to work and pretty much cursed life 24/7. But then as I said before, something happened. Out of boredom I decided to go to my first theatrical audition. I had been in a few shows but never actually earned a part.

When I auditioned for ‘A Flea In Her Ear’ I ran into Shannon, who I knew from ‘Arsenic and Old Lace’ in the previous year. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but my life was already changing.

I worked really hard on this show, as an actor and a Stage Manager. There was something building slowly between Shannon and I but again I couldn’t quite wrap my head around it. The show went on and we all worked really hard as the show required.

As we entered performances it seemed like business as usual. Little did I know what was in store. There’s a scene in act two of ‘Flea’ where my character (Rugby, horny British guest at the hotel d’amour beats up Shannon’s character Jacques)I got a little into it one night. Like broke the set with his body into it.
I went up to Shannon backstage and asked if he was alright. He said something to the effect of ‘I’ve been waiting for you to manhandle me like that for a year and a half!’.

My immediate reaction was one of a wide smirking ‘Yeah?!?’. We got through that night of the show but from there the interest was firmly established.

About halfway through the run, one of the actors had a party on Clearwater Beach that we all went to. I coyly asked Shannon if he had a ride as I was rocking Mom’s minivan at the time. He replied he didn’t and I began to put my plan into action.

I played it cool, as we both tried to. We both knew what was up. We began holding hands as we crossed the bridge to the beach as Depeche Mode oozed through the speakers. I think everyone at the party knew we had a thing going.

That show plus rehearsing another almost pushed me over the edge but… Something was happening to me. My gait was light and my belly was full of butterflies. I felt like a tipsy teenage girl and pretty much acted like one.

It only took a couple months of this to completely turn my world upside down. People at work would say to me ‘What the hell has gotten into YOU?’. I would say ‘I’m just in a good mood is all.’ But my huge smirk would betray me.

I was in love. Like hard. And I still am. This is why I never walked down the aisle with a woman. Because I couldn’t bring myself to murder the essence of my being. Because I didn’t want to get married, have kids, finally realize I’m queer for sure and be like ‘See ya!’.  One because it wasn’t what I wanted and two because I couldn’t bring myself to do that to another human being.

I had been with men when I formed my relationships with women. But I had never loved another man. I knew if I tied the knot I was risking the prospect of never knowing. And I. Just. Couldn’t.

When my relationship with Shannon began to blossom I was nervous and terrified but oddly at peace because it was finally happening to me after all that madness and soul searching.

I am a homosexual. And that’s just fine with me. For the first time in my life i feel comfortable and at peace. This is what I want and I’m grateful beyond words for the freedom to express my being.

Thanks for reading, whoever you may be.

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