Seems such an odd thing on which to reflect. Something that should come as natural as breathing, am I right? It would seem so to most and generally is. There have been times when I have strayed unbelievably far from my essence or being and tortured myself trying to conform to other people’s desires. Tried to run from who I was. Tried to stuff all the maladies and nightmares back into the proverbial box and reclaim some purity I thought I corrupted and lost.
It’s part of the reason I’m kind of strange, blunt and have a dark sense of humor as well as embrace my various personality quirks. Yeah, I’m basically a big sissy nancy boy. I don’t give a shit. I like myself this way. Its a lot of fun. I spent most of my twenties in terrible hetero relationships that tore my soul to pieces. Trying to be something I wasn’t because I was afraid that my Dad or society at large or certain people I know would disown me. I feel like I wasted a lot of my early adult years being miserable and I’m kind of making up for lost time.
So you know what happened? I just stopped giving a shit what other people think. I came out as gay to my Dad and the world. It wasn’t that big a deal. It was a relief. I can’t describe how much lighter my heart was for it. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I realize that with how I sometimes dress I might be making myself a target and I don’t care. I decided one day that I’m not going to let the world make me afraid. If I conform to their will, the assholes win and I’m not letting that happen.
Sometimes I really enjoy dressing up as a woman. It took me a long time to get comfortable enough to admit this to other people. I don’t feel confused, I just like being pretty, damn it. I’m not trans either. I guess I could be considered a bit genderfluid in that I strongly own my feminine side and don’t always identify as particularly masculine even though I’m pretty average honestly. But being boyish as hell certainly helps paint the femme picture. I like being a guy, but sometimes I seriously want to reinvent myself as a drag queen. The stage actor in me just loves to pretend. Speaking of which, I’m most likely going to be a faerie in the show my Man is directing in the summer! So psyched.
So yes, I’m not a particularly conventional guy. I’m equal parts feral beast and total sissy. I don’t have a lisp and I love Death and Thrash and Black Metal. I say pretty much whatever insane things pop into my head and occasionally slip in a bit of repartee and amusement for my audience. A lot of people give me weird looks but I have reached a blissful state of being pleasantly detached when it comes to other people and their hangups.
I love my life. I love being Me. There’s noone else I’d rather be.
I think they call this being content. Fancy that.
PS: I’ll try to get some cool pictures at the DRI show tomorrow night 😀