Muh Chemical Profile

I’ve been taking various central nervous system drugs since I was a wee Berserker of seven or eight. My current cocktail, including non-psych meds is:

Risperdal 3mg daily
Ritalin XR 20 mg daily
Wellbutrin XR 150 mg daily (beginning tomorrow morning)
Metropolol 25 mg daily
Benazepril  6.5 mg daily
Also occasional ibuprofen for joint pain and I keep a few vistaril on hand for the times when sleep is elusive.

Some folks tell me it’s horrible that I take all these meds. I don’t think it is myself. Aside from them working at keeping me sane, organized and not hypertensive or achy I don’t really feel like I’m ‘on’ anything. I’d like to see you manage arthritis with no analgesics.

At some point in my life I have had these experiences with the following drugs:
Abilify- Made me very foggy and was rather unremarkable.
Adderall XR- was great for my attention span but revved my heart like crazy .
Buspar- didn’t do crap for my anxiety and made me feel blah.
Celexa- kept me hypomanic before being discontinued when the psych unit was bringing me down from a feral lexapro induced mania.
Depakote- Acute psychotic reaction. Tried to start a revolt in the crisis ward. Fun stuff.
Effexor- Absolutely despised it. Felt like a zombie dipped in shit. Plus I had the most horrible withdrawal. Ever hear of the brain shivers? Because I never had.
Geodon- Good results for pulling me out of madness. It does scary stuff to the heart though. Wouldn’t repeat it.
Lamictal- helped at first but crapped out fast.
Lithium- blunted my emotions profoundly. I couldn’t cry while I was on it. I can now. I’m glad that the side effects outweighed the benefits enough to try something else.
Provigil- great for ADHD but needs a time release coat or something as it poops out too quickly.
Tegretol- took at the same time as Geodon. It’s a seizure med so it’ll basically make you kinda drunk and disoriented like it did for me.
Zyprexa- made me fat. But slayed my psychosis like nothing else. Calmed me the fuck down fast.
Lexapro- induced a terrifying series of rapid cycling manic episodes. I am still cobbling my life back together from this period.
Strattera- didn’t do crap for my ADHD. made me feel really sluggish and ditzy at the higher doses.
Risperdal- works better for me than any drug ever has in terms of keeping me stable without completely zonking me into oblivion. It is a good med for the  bipolar/ADHD combo in particular. However, at the higher doses (6mg and up) it can do a number on your hormones. I only take three mg and my doctor is hesitant to raise it.

As with a great many things, results may and will vary. This is just what I got out of these particular drugs.  Hope you have found this entertaining and informative.

I wish…

I wish I could make my feelings known without being pigeonholed as a drama queen.

I wish I was more successful than working in a joke kitchen with a bunch of kids at my age.

I wish I could govern my passions which tie me into a million knots.

I wish I could just tell my Dad I have a boyfriend and have everything be fine and dandy.

I wish I knew why anything is anything.

I wish people weren’t so put off by the things that I find beautiful.

I wish the National Anthem of the USA was ‘Spill the Blood’ by Slayer.

I wish I knew more non-straight people who like Metal.

I wish I could make a few people I know see that life is precious and beautiful in spite of all the heartache.

I wish I was better at taking my own advice.

I wish I could organize my life into something worthwhile instead of a never-ending cycle of mediocrity and disappointment.

I wish I didn’t take things so seriously because it makes me want to jump out of my own skin and scream bloody gore.

I wish there was a way to regenerate all the gray matter I’ve partied into oblivion.

I wish my boyfriend was here right now making me giggle like a little kid.

I wish I could make my friends know how dear they are to me even though our time together grows scarce.

I wish I wasn’t such a walking cartoon.

I wish people wouldn’t interrogate when I’m obviously distraught.

I wish that I could just for a few minutes recapture the fire I once possessed.

I wish my writing style wasn’t so terribly disjointed.

I wish my pen was quicker than my brain.

I wish my heart was stronger.

I wish I had something helpful to say when people spill their guts to me instead of just anxiously grappling for the words.

I wish I would speak up and stick up for myself more than I do.

I wish that it really was as simple as taking the pills and Tah-dah everything’s awesome!!!

Most of all, I wish I could help everyone.

Alas, it is not so.