Berserk Jacket of Doom

I’m done messing with it. I used my post Hospital time (in spite of the percocet making me lazy)to get my shit together and do the last of the sewing.   Stay tuned for the beginnings of a Strictly Thrash Vest. Until then, here’s muh pride and joy :

Bands: Absu, Jex Thoth,  The Devil’s Blood, Purson, Mayhem, King Diamond, Abyssic Hate, Immolation, Pungent Stench, Incantation, Mortuary Drape, Blood Ceremony, Electric Wizard, Samael, Burzum, At The Gates, Funeral Mist, Misfits, Morbid Angel, Averse Sefira, Sadistic Intent, Bathory, Angelcorpse, Beherit, Black Sabbath,  Arghoslent.  

Cheers y’all! 


The Path

Lies before me. It’s simple enough to know which way I desire. Alas, the way is not clearly signposted. So much deception, so many snares of ambiguity and such a strange myriad of fellow players.

For a time I badly wanted to believe in the Christian version of things. I went to Church (Antiochian Orthodox), sang in the choir and did catechism. I still miss singing in Church to this day. But too many things didn’t gel with me. The fact that I like men was part of it but not the only thing. I have a wee bit of an Occult background and always thought to myself ‘They would turn on you in a flash if they really knew you.’

I don’t know really. I listen to a lot of fucking evil music. I’m not a Satanist or even a Left Hand Path type. I believe in spiritual discipline and reverence towards the creative forces of the Architect of the Universe. The stuff like Gorgoroth and Averse Sefira and Deicide appeals almost more to the punk in me as what is presented are essentially hymns of rebellion.

I have seen enough of the darker side of humanity for one lifetime. I’ve been through a few doors I perhaps shouldn’t have been. But in spite of this I’ve maintained my ethics more or less. I still consciously know that I am a creature of light after all is said and done. My dumb gay heart refuses to completely lose my humanity.

As I said though, the path is clear enough. Executing can be a bit dicey. So many things are simply not what they appear. So many seemingly illumined people turn out to be the most predatory of creatures. My problem with Christianity has mostly to do with the Church and not Jesus.

As a person in a Hermetic/Rosicrucian space, I like to believe that Christ and I are doing just fine together. However I do wonder sometimes.

I was singing in Church once and became aware of smoke. Where I  sang was in the choir pit towards the back by the doors in from the narthex. In the narthex there was a big sand pit with candles and icons above. An icon had fallen into the candles. It was right on the other side of the wall from me and freaked me out a bit. Until I forgot about it. For a while.

Then I checked out a Church closer to home one week. It was a beautiful little Greek Church. I had a lovely time there and everyone was very nice. I was thinking about going back and found out that in the middle of the night a few days after my visit there was an electrical fire there. Haven’t been to Church since. Kind of feel like I don’t belong there.

I know that these incidents have zero to do with me but they still filled me with… Unease. I’m not really sure why I’m compelled to share this.

Whether the demons that stalk us are internal or otherworldly one fact remains:

Every single day we face a choice of which path to take. Choose wisely.

Random Thoughts

In spite of everything, I truly relish being alive. My great struggle is not losing sight of this as I sail the sea of madness. As I sit here contemplating the nature of the universe as well as myself ‘The Red In The Sky Is Ours’ gently airs out the mental clutter replacing it with transcendent beauty and wonder. I know a few things about myself at this point. I know my creative spirit needs nurturing lest it starve and wither like so many once luminous flowers. Experience has a way of being a double edged sword. Wounding and perhaps crippling one into a living monstrosity as it imbues the greatest of wisdom. I’ve found the trick to avoiding the erosion of sanity lies in surrounding oneself with beauty and the maintenance of a deep reverence for whatever you consider your higher power be it Yahweh, Kali, Thor, Jesus, Nature, The Sun or whatever makes perfect sense within your personal logical framework. The world is truly a magnificent thing to behold. I don’t claim to know the answers but I speak to the Universal Space Unicorn or whatever in a way that suits me best, friendly yet in constant awe. 

Spiritually I’m not entirely sure where I stand. I lean strongly toward the Hermetic/Rosicrucian traditions. I do not, however formally belong to any orders. Reading the Kybalion absolutely changed my life as well as my perspective on matters from the microscopic to the astronomical. Being a Celtic/Teutonic lad in extraction I lean strongly toward an Pantheistic/Pagan perspective. But I still sort of consider myself a monotheist in the context that I think there is one divine consciousness with a kajillion-squillion facets and natures. All being inextricably linked to THE ALL. Somehow this gives me piece of mind.

Sometimes my thoughts turn toward my old fascination in the left hand path cut your flesh and worship satan type of stuff. Granted, Aleister Crowley did that stuff more artfully than most. I don’t think my repulsion toward black magic really has much to do with me being brought up christian. It’s more to me a simple matter of discipline. I’m certainly an occultist, ableit a strict right hand path type. My belief in spiritual karma is unshakable and I simply am not down with things like Goetia and whathaveyou.Plus I think the idea of calling myself a God is absurd.

Still, self mastery is something to be valued. This is a major cornerstone of Rosicrucian philosophy. I’ve determined repeatedly that I need to actually apply this stuff to my own life. I know maybe I’m a tad hard on myself but I’m not ready to settle for less than what I’m capable of. I know I’m not an idiot but this ^%$&ing world makes me feel so dumb. I’m not connected to a lot of things like television or movies and I’m pretty much lost in conversations like… like I’m frequently the only one who doesn’t get it. Whatever it is. Meh.

What I despise is that in spite of relative safety I have to maintain a certain level of secrecy about certain things in my life, lest the wrong people find out or it gets taken out of context. It’s the reason I have a shield with knotwork and an eye tattooed to my back. I almost never truly let my guard down. I am always ready for the coming of war. I can’t fully divulge what’s on my mind right now and it’s almost a relief. As Khalil Gibran tells us ‘Those who understand us enslave something in us’.