HRT Day 300 minus one πŸŒ·

Hey Y’all! Hope you’re having as Gloriously appropriate a Hump Day as this Girl. I should probably put a content warning of some sort on this post as I plan on talking about some intimate stuff regarding my HRT and my sex life as well as more personal stuff like genital dysphoria as well as surgical aspirations. If you are the squeamish type you might be best advised to read something else. That said, well….

Hi folks! It’s ya Girl Lily Jane!πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ I’m at about a year and eight months of social transition and coming up on 300 days of medical transition in the form of Hormone Replacement Therapy, specifically Estradiol tabs, progesterone, and spironolactone. I’m in the process of getting my name changed from Thomas to Lily but I’m kind of stuck until I round up all my addresses since BIRTH. I know most of them but have no idea where I lived as an infant and whatnot so I need to ask my Mom about this before I can finish the forms for the lawyer and get petitions rolling. Aside from that I’m really getting eager as hell to get at the least an orchiectomy soon so I can stop taking this Spironolactone stuff. It has me in a pretty intense state of brain fog most of the time, though it does seem to be easing off now that the heat is receding a bit.

So aside from the bodily effects of the Estradiol(breast development is currently at a BπŸ™‚,softer skin, far less body hair,softening of facial features) the emotional side of things has been really quite remarkable. I’m definitely a lot more sensual than I used to be for one and a far more passionate and involved lover than I’ve been in the past(at least according to my Man) and my bipolar disorder is far less intense than in most of my life leading up to transition. I find myself better at leveling mmyself out when the brain chemicals are pumping though much of this could also be attributed to being in a stable and healthy relationship for several years. I’m able to see how a lot of my life leading up to this was pretty much exactly what people mean when they say Testosterone poisoning .Suffice it to say, It really was making me hopelessly insane trying to conform to a Male framework.

HRT has mostly been really good for me mentally. I’m finding that Bipolar issues can still be quite challenging because in the past I’ve always been fairly adept at spotting my mood swings and cycles but now its sometimes a bit less clear if I’m being manic or depressive or….just a hormonal bitch. I don’t get sucked into awful moods that seem to last forever like in days past but it seems like it takes far less to make me upset these days. I’m a reasonably strong person I suppose, but like for example: One day I literally started hysterically crying at work because a Lady at the bar said that I was mean to her. Yeah. Just the implication totally shattered my composure. But also, I feel like I get what my Mom has to say about a lot of things more clearly these days. If nothing else, Estradiol is slowly crafting me into a more intuitive being and a better and more compassionate listener. I’m not really sure what’s up with my Dad and I but in the case of my Mom my blossoming process is bringing us a lot closer as Family.

On another note, sex is…..kind of annoying lately. But this is really an oversimplification. I still have a sex life that’s often quite fun, it’s just that I’m pretty much hormonally sterile and things simply don’t work the way they used to. I’ve had one solitary orgasm since the HRT really kicked in and began beating down my nads. But that one orgasm about two or three months ago was the single most devastating climax of my LIFE. I’m STILL feeling waves of aftershocks from THAT one. That’s one of the fun things about feminization through HRT. It literally allows you to experience female orgasms. Sounds pretty cool, eh? Problem is your old equipment is not rendered useless per se, it’s just that things are really screwy. It should be noted that regardless of what you do with your genitals, you always have a prostate (if you’re MTF like moi). I guess I need a book or a proper toy more like or to look up some massage techniques because I have not been successful getting off in this manner, though the effort is a LOT of fun 🀘

So yeah, I really wish I could come(ESPECIALLY now that I know what I’m missing!)and sometimes the HRT feels like a cruel joke because estrogen makes me UNBELIEVABLY horny most of the time. Literally, if you glance quick enough you might see me grinding my booty and making love to the air. Estradiol has truly inflamed my senses!But even if i can’t pop i still have a HELL of a lot of fun pleasing my Man and getting my booty drilled. I mean, it’s almost like there’s a sort of ascetic flavor to my sexploits these days, like a sort of tantric bliss. I’m glad I can at least still mostly scratch the intense psychological itch. I’m told this stuff takes patience and imagination 🀘

I plan to ask my Endocrinologist about an Orchie soon as I said, and the rest of surgical stuff i hope to do depends on how long it takes to get letters and referrals and stuff. In all honesty genital dysphoria has gotten a lot more intense as I’ve gotten deeper into transition. The spiro related shrinkage does make it a little less agonizing though. My Man has been really patient with me when we’re intimate. I mean, I don’t really use my dick much for sex or solitary fun at all any more. Even if using it feels nice it just totally fucks up the contents of my head too much so I’m just very much enjoying being a total bottom/Sub(as I’ve been gravitating towards for my whole life) and focusing on touch and sensation lately as well as more psychological factors when we’re intimate.

So there it is. More than you ever wanted to know about Lily Jane 🌷

Also, HAPPY FALL AND YAY FOR BATTLE JACKET WEATHER 🀘(photo from yesterday when I began this post)

Have a lovely Thursday, Y’all. Time for this Flower Girl to go to workπŸ’‹

-Lily Jane 🌷

Advertisements

The Chronicles of Lily Jane Part I

Things have been more than a bit perplexing of late. I’m moving forward with my transition as well as I’m able to currently and despite the passage of time seemingly coming to a crawl…. Stuff IS happening. I’m not sure what I should go into first here so bear with me as I struggle to articulate my thoughts.

I’ve been socially transitioning since I came out as Transgender in March so about five months now plus some change. I’m building up a new collection of clothing, working on makeup skills and doing my best to alleviate my sometimes crushing dysphoria. I have been seeing my longtime therapist again since coming out and he’s been really great and supportive. He is not a gender Therapist though so I referred him to one that I’ve been in contact with about figuring out what the standards/criteria for the gender dysphoria diagnosis letter. After that I’ll go to an Endocrinologist and hopefully begin hormones soon though I think Florida may require a year of social transition first.

Not crazy about living in Florida. Many of the people are mean and paranoid and I feel like I have a target on my back here, even in my most confident state. I’m working on facing my fears and doing my best to be strong. People I know tell me they think I’m brave or something and while I appreciate the sentiment I feel compelled to confess that I am frequently overwhelmed and absolutely crippled by fear and anxiety. I’m okay for the most part being out in public but strangers and crowds are really starting to freak me out sometimes. I’m usually okay at a concert or something but I’m finding myself getting really perturbed when I go pretty much anywhere. I know it’s not fair on my part because most people are totally cool but I’m seriously developing a bit of a social phobia and it’s been making me really have more of a sense of urgency about keeping myself together.

While I’m much happier day to day since coming out as trans, I’m also finding myself having to handle far more anxiety and apprehension than I have ever had to shoulder. The Rheumatoid Arthritis has been it’s usual capricious self so I’ve been riding my bike obsessively recently. I’m usually okay as long as I keep myself steadily burning all this bipolar energy. But sooner or later I have to slow down or stop. That’s where things get challenging for me to deal with.

I get into a lot of awkward situations and look for unisex bathrooms wherever. Not that feminine looking so no matter where I pee I’m gonna get dirty looks and perhaps worse but… Whatever. Hopefully things improve for future generations.

I miss the outlet that I used to have in Theatre. But I feel like all I could do at this stage is help behind the curtain. I don’t want to play male roles and I’m not confident in myself enough to seek out female ones yet. I’m not saying that I never will be, just that I’m not there and it distresses me. I’m hoping I face this soon as I feel like this part of my soul is withering.

Really doing the best I can to be a good Lily. I’m plagued by self doubt and this ugly part of Thom’s emotional baggage that refuses to let myself take credit or pride in anything. I know I’m a fairly decent person but I constantly juggle bipolar disorder with an autoimmune disease (RA) and the stress of transitioning and….. I can’t properly put into words how exhausting it sometimes is being Me… I keep pushing forward because at ever so slight a pacing…. Things are improving. I don’t hate the sight of myself any more. There are things I can and will change but…. I’m mostly okay with my meat skeleton.

I still have flashes of absolute spiritual agony from time to time. Believe me, those abrupt shifts can make you completely mad. But I’m learning that somehow I still have a friend in myself. We’re even closer than ever since I allowed her to reveal herself 😹

I still haven’t come out to my Dad. I’m afraid of how he will react. I know he doesn’t have a particularly high opinion of trans people and I’m afraid but…. I know I’ll have to deal with it eventually. Just not today.

I keep moving through the various systems like I have some idea of what I’m doing. Sometimes I’m not even faking. The closer I’ve become with my inner self the more determined I am to never retreat. Lily has a name, a close confidante in herself, and amazing support network. The thing I’m becoming super adamant about is not letting my emotional or physical pain turn me into a jerk. I know who the fuck I am and who I want to be and….

I’m here for the Long haul 😘

It feels Lovely to spill my guts in the form of a Planet Berserk Post. Swear I’m going to try to be more prolific.

Love-

Lily Jane πŸ’œ

Second Awkward Teenage Blues

This is something that keeps occurring to me lately, that I’m basically going through a more appropriate form of learning to be yet again. I try to not look goofy but sometimes I like to have a bit of fun with my outfits. I’m 35 going on 36 and I’m just now finally letting my guard down enough to let myself just be a girl. I spent my teenage feeling repulsive and hating most of the available clothes. I wasn’t even close to having myself figured out in those days but it was certainly in the works. So now I find myself out as transgender with most of my friends, family and work people. It’s been a little scary at times but largely a really good experience. A lot of really awesome people have revealed themselves as allies and my existing friends have been really incredible and supportive. My Mom too, bless her heart. Even though my Death Metal style kind of irks her πŸ˜›

So now where I find myself is….looking for an Endocrinologist and inquiring about beginning HRT. Building up a wardrobe and working on makeup skills which are still honestly pretty modest. Managing the RA as well as I can and getting lots of time on the bicycle because it helps me maintain a nice figure.

Aside from that, seeing my therapist, going to work, and immersing myself in music I’ve been rather laid back lately. Perhaps content is a better word. I had a neat experience getting ready for work yesterday. Got kind of zoned out while looking in the mirror while thinking of doing my makeup and hair. Looked myself over and had a few brief words with myself. As joyful tears began to drip all I could manage to say was ‘Thank you for letting me out of my cage’. I tear up just remembering it. It was one of the most unbelievably happy moments of my life. I’m still afraid. It just isn’t enough to stop me anymore. I’m coming into my own, I know who I am and I wouldn’t trade it for anything under the Sun.

All across the board people are astounding me with how cool they’re actually willing to be. There was a drunk couple at my work last night that I thought were making fun of me at first but wasn’t sure, turns out they were totally cool. Had a nice chat with me as they left and ran into me after I got off work and bought me a beer. I get nervous and apprehensive at times but…

The world is changing for the better. It may be hard to see at times, but I feel it in my heart and it’s beautiful and liberating and exciting all at once. That’s food enough for Me.

The future is so bright I need shades 😘

Love-

Lily Jane πŸ’œ

Full Speed Ahead!!!!

Things are gradually getting back to being a thrashing good time. The Beach is picking up and my income is better than it’s been in a long while now. Planning to buy some pretty clothes and makeup soon. Nothing too major, I want to spoil myself a little for being a good Lily. I got a raise at work! I caught my section up long enough yesterday to escape to the office with a plate of fish and veggies and beans and rice. My boss was typing something up at the desk and I managed to get a word in as I feasted. I was just like ‘This is the two year mark here for me, I’ve been doing my best and I’d like to ask you for a bit more money.’ He was pretty easy to sell on the idea. So that made an already pretty good day all the better.

I still have RA of course. I’m a bit concerned because I’m out of xeljanz and my insurance company wants new prior auth paperwork on it so I may need some samples. Over due for sppointments with my internist and my rheumatologist. Still doing the methotrexate injections weekly. Not crazy about it but those are the breaks. Back to the time of year when I pack prednisone and ibuprofen in my backpack for work. Luckily my boss is being cool about scheduling and giving me a few upstairs shifts (easier of the two floors) to relax a little and still make money. I can work on injection hangover day, I just can’t do a crazy hard day but upstairs I can handle on that particular day.

A bit of dysphoria of late. I’ve always kind of hated body hair on myself. Luckily I don’t get much facial or body hair to speak of. What I get I maintain carefully. I know it’s stupid but one of the reasons I’ve never really felt like a Man is that I’m mostly smooth as a baby and can’t grow a beard at all. I know it sounds goofy but it’s true. I’ve never liked body hair on myself. I just find it icky. A lot of the reasons I feel more female than male are more emotional than physical but there’s quite a bit of both. Dysphoria aside, I’m really enjoying my Instagram lately. I follow so many beautiful and inspiring trans people and some of them are just so sweet and amusing as all hell. I like it better than Facebook these days. My Facebook is in some sort of strange limbo from a ‘security issue’ that they won’t tell me anything about and I’m locked out of my account. I’m really puzzled by this but we’ll see I guess. I haven’t changed, really. I’ve just largely stopped censoring myself to make other people comfortable. I’m being open finally about this shit because the weight of my silence was suffocating me. I’ve worn panties or booty shorts under my boy clothes almost every day for years. I have a manic obsession with tights and thigh highs and over the last year or so I’ve just ever so gently been letting my guard down. It doesn’t mean I’m not frightened. It just means I’d rather be who I am and take whatever comes with it. I do have a lot to learn though. Particularly about makeup and hair care. I’m not totally clueless, just vastly inexperienced. Growing my hair out too so it’s gonna look like hell for quite a while. I’m excited and scared. I don’t know how people will react as I slowly find myself. I worry about what transitioning will mean for job prospects. I’m afraid of getting jumped and beaten. But I have to do it. I’ve never wanted anything more deeply. I’ll never forgive myself if I don’t. Having said that, I’ll be back with more soon 😘 Love, Lily