This is something that keeps occurring to me lately, that I’m basically going through a more appropriate form of learning to be yet again. I try to not look goofy but sometimes I like to have a bit of fun with my outfits. I’m 35 going on 36 and I’m just now finally letting my guard down enough to let myself just be a girl. I spent my teenage feeling repulsive and hating most of the available clothes. I wasn’t even close to having myself figured out in those days but it was certainly in the works. So now I find myself out as transgender with most of my friends, family and work people. It’s been a little scary at times but largely a really good experience. A lot of really awesome people have revealed themselves as allies and my existing friends have been really incredible and supportive. My Mom too, bless her heart. Even though my Death Metal style kind of irks her 😛
So now where I find myself is….looking for an Endocrinologist and inquiring about beginning HRT. Building up a wardrobe and working on makeup skills which are still honestly pretty modest. Managing the RA as well as I can and getting lots of time on the bicycle because it helps me maintain a nice figure.
Aside from that, seeing my therapist, going to work, and immersing myself in music I’ve been rather laid back lately. Perhaps content is a better word. I had a neat experience getting ready for work yesterday. Got kind of zoned out while looking in the mirror while thinking of doing my makeup and hair. Looked myself over and had a few brief words with myself. As joyful tears began to drip all I could manage to say was ‘Thank you for letting me out of my cage’. I tear up just remembering it. It was one of the most unbelievably happy moments of my life. I’m still afraid. It just isn’t enough to stop me anymore. I’m coming into my own, I know who I am and I wouldn’t trade it for anything under the Sun.
All across the board people are astounding me with how cool they’re actually willing to be. There was a drunk couple at my work last night that I thought were making fun of me at first but wasn’t sure, turns out they were totally cool. Had a nice chat with me as they left and ran into me after I got off work and bought me a beer. I get nervous and apprehensive at times but…
The world is changing for the better. It may be hard to see at times, but I feel it in my heart and it’s beautiful and liberating and exciting all at once. That’s food enough for Me.
The future is so bright I need shades 😘
Lily Jane 💜
Things are gradually getting back to being a thrashing good time. The Beach is picking up and my income is better than it’s been in a long while now. Planning to buy some pretty clothes and makeup soon. Nothing too major, I want to spoil myself a little for being a good Lily. I got a raise at work! I caught my section up long enough yesterday to escape to the office with a plate of fish and veggies and beans and rice. My boss was typing something up at the desk and I managed to get a word in as I feasted. I was just like ‘This is the two year mark here for me, I’ve been doing my best and I’d like to ask you for a bit more money.’ He was pretty easy to sell on the idea. So that made an already pretty good day all the better.
I still have RA of course. I’m a bit concerned because I’m out of xeljanz and my insurance company wants new prior auth paperwork on it so I may need some samples. Over due for sppointments with my internist and my rheumatologist. Still doing the methotrexate injections weekly. Not crazy about it but those are the breaks. Back to the time of year when I pack prednisone and ibuprofen in my backpack for work. Luckily my boss is being cool about scheduling and giving me a few upstairs shifts (easier of the two floors) to relax a little and still make money. I can work on injection hangover day, I just can’t do a crazy hard day but upstairs I can handle on that particular day.
A bit of dysphoria of late. I’ve always kind of hated body hair on myself. Luckily I don’t get much facial or body hair to speak of. What I get I maintain carefully. I know it’s stupid but one of the reasons I’ve never really felt like a Man is that I’m mostly smooth as a baby and can’t grow a beard at all. I know it sounds goofy but it’s true. I’ve never liked body hair on myself. I just find it icky. A lot of the reasons I feel more female than male are more emotional than physical but there’s quite a bit of both. Dysphoria aside, I’m really enjoying my Instagram lately. I follow so many beautiful and inspiring trans people and some of them are just so sweet and amusing as all hell. I like it better than Facebook these days. My Facebook is in some sort of strange limbo from a ‘security issue’ that they won’t tell me anything about and I’m locked out of my account. I’m really puzzled by this but we’ll see I guess. I haven’t changed, really. I’ve just largely stopped censoring myself to make other people comfortable. I’m being open finally about this shit because the weight of my silence was suffocating me. I’ve worn panties or booty shorts under my boy clothes almost every day for years. I have a manic obsession with tights and thigh highs and over the last year or so I’ve just ever so gently been letting my guard down. It doesn’t mean I’m not frightened. It just means I’d rather be who I am and take whatever comes with it. I do have a lot to learn though. Particularly about makeup and hair care. I’m not totally clueless, just vastly inexperienced. Growing my hair out too so it’s gonna look like hell for quite a while. I’m excited and scared. I don’t know how people will react as I slowly find myself. I worry about what transitioning will mean for job prospects. I’m afraid of getting jumped and beaten. But I have to do it. I’ve never wanted anything more deeply. I’ll never forgive myself if I don’t. Having said that, I’ll be back with more soon 😘 Love, Lily