Priorities

I have a few, if not a great many. I want to explore the planet and stand in the sun with a will and be dangerous. The Khalil Gibran interpolation aside, I want to challenge myself. I know I’m not an idiot, but I am kind of an underachiever in many ways.

I try to cut myself some slack. This is a delicate balance in itself. I mean, I’m not incarcerated or held against my will in a hospital having my brain completely twisted with drugs, so that’s a plus I suppose. Honestly, things are better now than I thought they would ever get. For several years I was slowly recovering from my second nervous breakdown. Both came close to totally ruining my life.

I was on a crazy check for almost five years. The fact that I’m supporting myself and in a stable and loving relationship is still somewhat astonishing to me. I’m not out of the woods, but I made it through several years of total fucking darkness and despair.

It’s amazing to be with a guy who builds me up and inspires me like he does. He makes me laugh like no one ever has or ever will again. Or something. I’m being obnoxious and glowing so expect a few bottles of pure nauseating sap from the chief harbinger.

But on to the point (which I do have):

What is the next step?

Marriage for one. A trip to Alaska this fall is officially signed in blood and sealed. But then? My man is trying to get into law school and I’m not sure where that will lead us geographically. I need to develop some kind of lucrative skill here so I can live reasonably well, but what?

I have to accept the fact that I have certain limitations. I mean, I do fairly well for being a bipolar kid on extended release Ritalin with arthritis and tendonitis. However, I’m getting older and I fully understand that I’m not an indestructible machine. My first brush with sciatica was like tasting my own mortality for the first time. It certainly brought me down a peg being barely able to walk.

I think a lot about what I might be good at. I’m neurotic and detail oriented so I’ve always thought something technical and analytical would be for the best. But I have to start thinking a bit harder about this stuff. Life is happening and all.

I also think I’m approaching the point where I’d like my spiritual pursuits to go beyond the realm of solitary practice. Maybe one of the Thelemic societies or a Gardnerian Coven (I do not believe that the two are exclusive of one another). I think it is time to turn will into action.

May it be so for you as well.

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Health Update

I seem to be doing pretty well overall. I’m still experiencing some wrist inflammation, but Advil keeps it at bay most of the time. Blood pressure is well controlled and my back has not given me much trouble lately.

I saw my psych Dr. A few days ago and my cocktail is pretty much the same as it’s been for a while. One thing is changing though: My ADHD med. I’ve been on Ritalin for about six months after having some blood pressure issues from adderall. I’ve gotten similar results to adderall, but the Ritalin SR craps out a lot quicker. For this reason I’m switching to concerta. This should give me a few hours of extra coverage and get me through the workday.

The wrist is still screwy but not as bad as it was. I can’t really take any more cortisone so I to some extent just have to deal with it.

Aside from that, life is awesome. I’m engaged and visiting Alaska with my amazing fiancee in August.

I am alive with toe-curling feral delight. Yay.

Joy flowing…

I am thrilled beyond words. He asked me to marry him! My response was ‘Of course!’. We had our anniversary dinner at home a week or two ago and he popped the question after I served us ribeyes with baked potatoes and salad. He had planned on taking us out somewhere but our lack of proper planning caused us to say ‘Let’s relax and do dinner at home!’. It was a good move, I think.

I love him so much. He brings out the proper balance of my energies. At least it feels like such to me. I don’t feel like we’re in any sort of competition, but are rather equal partners working as a team.  He’s really good to me and very understanding about my mental illness and the fact that I’m not always a portrait of stability. He builds me up and helps me believe in myself, something I’m not used to at all given my history.

The whole family knows now, and nothing bad happened. A few awkward moments, but I made it through the hard part, now I can just live gay and prosper or whatever.

Now the fun part, planning the wedding! We have agreed that it will be outdoors and decidedly Pagan 😉

More as it develops. I still can’t freaking believe it.

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Getting kicks on the 76

That’s right, blogging on the bus. I figured a forty minute or so ride would be sufficient time to spit out a few thoughts. I’m nervous about a great many things on the horizon because well….  That’s how I roll and stuff.

My sister is getting married and naturally I’m happy for her. I’m just worried that now that the whole fam knows I’m queer it might be…. A tad awkward. Whatever, I’ll do the best I can and maybe pack a flask for good measure. I’m thinking Bird Dog or Wild Turkey.

My job is really stressing me out. I’ve been begging to get taken off prep and they keep scheduling me to work prep. I can do it but the knife work makes my tendons in my arm hurt. I feel like I’ll never heal up this way.

My love life is still kickass and amazing.  My lover is patient and kind. He’s also as strange as me if not a bit more twisted still. He makes my heart light and full of laughter.

There’s a concert I want to go to Saturday that I’ll most likely have to miss due to not having access to a car.

Mentally I’ve been a bit short fused lately. I’m mostly attributing it to slacking with working out. This I intend to fix.

That’d  be it for now.