Slogging away

My life is pretty chaotic at present. My home/romantic life is wonderful but other facets of my life are to put it simply falling apart. I can’t find employment to save my life. I’ve had a kajillion interviews and zero callbacks. The consistent theme lately seems to be rejection.  To be perfectly honest, it isn’t a huge surprise to me.

My resume is pretty weak, all things considered. I’ve had two severe mental collapses in my life. Both times my working life seriously regressed.  All I have for stable work experience in the last few years is shitty low end crap restaurant jobs that ran me ragged.

That’s why I’m pushing forward with the Vincent House thing. Because I’ve never really gotten any kind of help for being mentally ill. I feel like I would be severely stupid to not further investigate the possibility.  As far as that goes, I’m doing what I have to do. I have to first open a case with Florida vocational rehabilitation and designate Vincent House as my provider.

I’ve been through the place and talked to people there. I think these people can really help me get on the right track and I look forward to making it happen.

It’s been ten years since my first nervous breakdown that resulted in my type one bipolar disorder diagnosis. I have tried and tried harder than I thought was humanly possible to make it on my own. I simply can’t make a decent living with what’s available to me. I can’t handle the heat of kitchens any more with all the meds that I take daily.

I’m just not built for straight up warfare type jobs anymore. I need a new skill or something.  I had my intake/orientation appointment with vocational rehabilitation a couple days ago. Tuesday I have my meeting with the counselor to talk about my history and determine my eligibility I suppose.

Here’s hoping. I feel like this is my best shot and I’m taking it. Say a little invocation for me, won’t you?

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Depression Part Deux

I’m changing my approach as my ‘soul of iron’ is no longer cutting it. I’ve been in a funk since before Thanksgiving. I kept telling myself it would get better after the holidays. But it hasn’t. I still have the same hair trigger agitation and  fairly regular spells of explosive weeping.

As I mentioned in previous posts regarding this particular subject there’s… an issue of sorts. I’m Bipolar. More specifically the Manic variety. As such, giving me antidepressants, particularly the SSRI kind is a dangerous proposition. It can induce the worst kind of batshit mania known to man. A lexapro induced mania led to my first hospitalization and I was a bucket of wacky. When I would finally crash I was so depressed I was nearly catatonic.

But yeah, after the last few months, I’m
warming up to giving it another try. My shrink tells me the mania potential is less with multiple reuptake inhibitors as opposed to strictly serotonin inducing meds. I’m already (more or less) stable on risperdal so that works in my favor too.

I have to try something. I’m tired of feeling like putting a grenade in my mouth.

It’s been frustrating. It took a lot of nerve on my part to actually talk to my doctor about this. The first med he prescribed I tried to fill today on the way home from my appointment. Not covered by my insurance.  I walked home in the rain crying and pretty much cursing life.

I feel relatively alright right now, at least alright enough to try to articulate some of this stuff. It’s like walking across a booby trapped floor. Not sure if the depression I keep falling into is worse than the anticipation thereof.

As gloomy a post as this is, it’s the best I’ve got right now aside from one bright spot: I met with the people at the Vincent House today and am getting the vocational rehabilitation ball rolling.  That compels me to get this depression under control more than any tea or sympathy in the world. I keep telling myself my current job isn’t forever.

Also, (and this is a huge one) I have the most kind, witty and devastatingly handsome Boyfriend in the universe.

I’ll survive, I just have to keep these things in sight.

Onward.

Blah

Is how I feel lately. I’m in an extended state of limbo and am feeling like I’m trapped in a slow-motion panic attack. Some of it is simply going stir-crazy. Some is being worried about money. Suffice to say I picked a terrible time to try to quit smoking cigarettes.

I thought the business with my arm was winding down. Wrong. I eased off the Neurontin only to have the irritation in my elbow come back. I’ve only been unemployed for three weeks and I’ve never felt this worthless in my life.

My mental health is reasonably adequate but highly variable. I’ve been randomly bursting into tears more than I care to admit and have more time than I know what to do with. I’m trying not to bother my friends who have jobs and lives to live. My boyfriend works overnight and sleeps during the day so we’re pretty much ships passing in the night. To his credit, he’s been amazing. Still, things are what they are and I’m feeling pretty icky most of the time.

Not manic, but highly moody. Not full blown depressed, but feeling intense and rather morose. I try to keep busy with housework but I am somewhat handicapped and not having an easy time keeping myself occupied.

I don’t know what the next step is. Maybe physical therapy, or injections of steroids perhaps. I’m extremely leery of any surgical procedures due to the anatomical complexity of the wrist and what seems like a lousy track record.

So I have empty space and time. Lots of it. That, and the erosion of mental peace that comes with not having any steady income.

The not smoking thing? I cracked this morning after five days. Trying to stay strong but losing the battle. I signed up with quitnow.net today but it’ll be a week or so until my nicotine patches come in the mail. Trying to smoke as little as possible until then.

I want to do theatre but I can’t. Not when things are this unstable. It pulled me out of a few past slumps and ruts but simply isn’t a viable option right now.

So I stare at the wall, read until my eyes glaze and let the clock run. I don’t know what else to do. I’ve already made everyone thoroughly sick of me. 

Annnnnd my arm is numb. Enough blogging for now *sigh*.

Wearily yours-
Thom