On being myself

Seems such an odd thing on which to reflect. Something that should come as natural as breathing, am I right? It would seem so to most and generally is. There have been times when I have strayed unbelievably far from my essence or being and tortured myself trying to conform to other people’s desires. Tried to run from who I was. Tried to stuff all the maladies and nightmares back into the proverbial box and reclaim some purity I thought I corrupted and lost.

It’s part of the reason I’m kind of strange, blunt and have a dark sense of humor as well as embrace my various personality quirks. Yeah, I’m basically a big sissy nancy boy. I don’t give a shit. I like myself this way. Its a lot of fun. I spent most of my twenties in terrible hetero relationships that tore my soul to pieces. Trying to be something I wasn’t because I was afraid that my Dad or society at large or certain people I know would disown me. I feel like I wasted a lot of my early adult years being miserable and I’m kind of making up for lost time.

So you know what happened? I just stopped giving a shit what other people think. I came out as gay to my Dad and the world. It wasn’t that big a deal. It was a relief. I can’t describe how much lighter my heart was for it. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I realize that with how I sometimes dress I might be making myself a target and I don’t care. I decided one day that I’m not going to let the world make me afraid. If I conform to their will, the assholes win and I’m not letting that happen.

Sometimes I really enjoy dressing up as a woman. It took me a long time to get comfortable enough to admit this to other people. I don’t feel confused, I just like being pretty, damn it. I’m not trans either. I guess I could be considered a bit genderfluid in that I strongly own my feminine side and don’t always identify as particularly masculine even though I’m pretty average honestly. But being boyish as hell certainly helps paint the femme picture. I like being a guy, but sometimes I seriously want to reinvent myself as a drag queen. The stage actor in me just loves to pretend. Speaking of which, I’m most likely going to be a faerie in the show my Man is directing in the summer! So psyched.

So yes, I’m not a particularly conventional guy. I’m equal parts feral beast and total sissy. I don’t have a lisp and I love Death and Thrash and Black Metal. I say pretty much whatever insane things pop into my head and occasionally slip in a bit of repartee and amusement for my audience. A lot of people give me weird looks but I have reached a blissful state of being pleasantly detached when it comes to other people and their hangups.

I love my life. I love being Me. There’s noone else I’d rather be.

I think they call this being content. Fancy that.

Love,

Thom

PS: I’ll try to get some cool pictures at the DRI show tomorrow night 😀

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My Halloween in pictures

I sure as hell had me some fun this year. I went to work at the crack of dawn dressed as Harley Quinn from Suicide Squad. Due to it being kind of a skeleton crew sort of day I was not only bussing and barbacking but also hosting. This gave me an unbelievable opportunity to mess with people in ways I had never been capable of which I fully capitalized on. Anyhow I got some really cool pictures and I’d like to show you a few of them. This first photo was taken by my manager when I first came in at the crack of dawn. There were a great deal of astonished looking people on the beach walk when Courtney and I walked from her car to the restaurant. Even at 6:30 in the morning. Whatever, I freaking slayed that shit.

Next is a photo of my Buddy Courtney and I. She drove me to work so I wouldn’t have to take the scary bus. She also helped me with my eyeliner which I am absolutely terrible with. Ain’t she a doll? This photo is on our restaurant’s facebook page. Got to love those vampire girls 🙂

Next is me with my ‘work wife’ Jill. She did herself up as a Hot Mess which i thought was deliciously clever.

My buddy Ashleigh got a great sassy shot of me by the downstairs bar. I feel it captures the spirit of the character well 🙂

So here’s where it gets interesting. one of the night time servers came in as i was finishing up dressed as the Joker. We didn’t plan this at all but had to get a picture of it. He ended up winning the costume contest and I got second. Whatever I’m happy for him he looked really badass.

After work i stopped by my watering hole for a beer and a quick showing off. My buddy Dave gave me a lift home from the beach but not before i got mad crazy catcalls from peopls on hotel balconies as we walked to his car. A while after that some good friends showed up with beer and a cool guy we had not met who snapped this photo that my ACTUAL Boyfriend (also dressed as the Joker) joined us in before he had to go to work.

My buddy Sarah got a nice one of Shannon and I:

As well as a nice one of she and I

And that is about all. Hope you enjoyed it 🙂

Love,

Tommy

Of mischief and fragility

Been on a bit of an odd trip the last few months. Or is it just that sort of life? Meh, probably. At least I’m mostly having fun. So allow me to break down what’s happening on my planet.

1. Excited about Halloween in a couple days. Going to work and a party that night dressed as Suicide Squad’s Harley Quinn. It’s simply too epic a trolling to pass up. My inner Loki simply has a raging boner for this one. I know, sometimes I’m just totes eloquent.

2. My RA has been resurfacing after a long period of being in very little pain. Not sure if it’s the weather or what but I’m back on the prednisone and not thrilled about it. Tapering down because most predictably the stuff always turns me into a wreck mentally. Calming down a bit but worried I’m going to flare like hell as soon as the steroid is gone. Hoping this doesn’t mess with my Halloween Fun.

3. I’m still having lots of fun rediscovering my boyish inner self and watching lots of cartoons and spending lots of time outside. Trying to spend more time laughing because it makes difficult and trying times so much more bearable. Getting ready to chill with my Pikachu and some gummi worms and watch something cute.

4. Mentally, as usual I’m a highly mixed bag. I’m honestly well aware of my varying degrees of madness. I have my craziness fairly well deconstructed. It’s just that awareness does not automatically equal results. I’ve done a lot of work on myself the past few years to just be more open with other people and laid back and peaceful. Yes, Crazy Thom wants inner peace. I know, it’s wacky, right? In all seriousness though I’m still tearing away context/details/shit that I don’t need from my brain on a daily basis and tossing it in the incinerator.

5. I’ve come to realize that most people do the bulk of their suffering privately. I’m trying to keep in perspective the fact that everyone could be in the midst of a raging battle that i know nothing about.

That’s about all i have for now except…..

A Halloween teaser photo:

Have fun and be safe this Halloween!

-Tommy Boy

On the deepest Love

For much of my time on this earth my romantic life has been a disaster. Men and Women have gotten close to me over the years but something always went wrong. I spent a great deal of my twenties constantly sobbing and hurting while desperately trying to figure out what the hell I wanted. People would tell me that they loved me but I was ‘too intense’ or they cheated on me or had intimacy issues or whatever. 

The Women I was with always wanted me to be way more alpha than I was and I knew I wanted to be with Men but I was still in the closet with a lot of people and being with women was the ‘safe’ thing. But I was miserable. In the times when I did have a boyfriend they got all weird when we got close and my personality was a bit too odd for them.  I was pretty sure I’d never be happy with another human being. This went on until I was about thirty-two.

I was coming off a terrible relationship with a girl who was my best friend in high school. She leeched off me and sucked me dry for years hardly ever working and just drained the life from me. When I finally got away my friends were really supportive. Apparently they all loved me and couldn’t understand why I put up with it as long as I did.  So then I actually did something rational and just stayed single for a year. Turned out to be a good move.

I was still active in theatre at the time and got offered a Stage Managing gig in a show I was cast in. At the audition i saw Shannon, an actor I knew from when we did Arsenic and Old Lace a year before. Didn’t think much of it at the time but things were already changing for me. 

As we got deeper into rehearsal Shannon and I started getting to know one another and whatnot. We were being professional but I was… sensing little things that made me go hmm. Finally we began performances after a grueling rehearsal process. 

In this play we were in there’s a scene where my character beats up his character. I got a bit carried away one night and actually kinda broke the set with his body. As we got backstage I asked him if he was alright. He says ‘Yeah, I’ve been waiting for you to manhandle me like that.’. I’m like ‘Yeah?’ and we went back to doing the show. One night I gave him a ride home and we had our first kiss. Things really started blossoming at the cast party. Showmance is supposed to be deadly but it freaking worked for me 🙂

After that show closed we had an intense whirlwind romance. So exciting and passionate, unlike anything I’ve ever experienced with anyone. Not butterflies as much as deep contentment at having made a soul connection. I knew right away that I wanted to show this person my vulnerable underbelly and let him in my heart. Thus I have. It was so awesome of my Mom letting me borrow her car on the weekends to be with him. My Mom adores Shannon and I think she sees that he’s so much better to me than anyone ever has been. 

I feel like being with him has gotten me realigned with the better aspects of my nature. The part of me that just wants to promulgate love and light and beauty all around. I do my damnedest to be there for him in all the ways he is for me. It’s like ‘Goddammit I fucking love you and I’m taking care of you when you’re old!’. 

I mean it. He nurtures me in all the right ways. Inspires me. Builds me up. Helps me believe in myself. Holds me when I’m sad. Dries my tears. Rubs my shoulders when I’m stiff. Runs his fingers through my hair when I rest my head on his chest. Makes me feel more valued than I thought possible. Stirs the joy within me. Fills me with something that I can barely comprehend. 

He and I have lived together for two years now. We have a nice little family, his Dog and Cat and my Kitty and I. Our work schedules make it difficult but we capitalize on the time we do get. He has graduated from boyfriend, to lover , to fiancee. 

A lot of people seem to look down on guys being more feminine or ‘sissy’ or whatever you want to call it. I mean, I’m reasonably masculine, I just don’t limit myself to it. I’ve never really been a regular guy in that sense. I’m sensitive AF and I like being more submissive and giving in a romantic sense. Figuring this out about myself has been truly one of the greatest joys of my life. Articulating myself romantically, sexually and emotionally has been well worth the rough journey. I know who I am and how I want to love and live and I’m fucking doing it. 

Something about this Man lights a fire under my ass and I refuse to let him go. If you come near him I will fuck you up 😉

I realize a diatribe about how much I love my boyfriend may not make for the most interesting reading but oh well 🙂 I just had some thoughts I wished to share with the interwebz.

It’s funny. I say the last show we did is when we hooked up, but I think it started way earlier, at least for me. In our first show, (Arsenic) he was the police lieutenant who chews me out. During that scene he poked me in the chest like an Irish Nun. I didn’t understand at the time what it was making me feel but it obviously stirred me deeply. Every poke freaking stunned me and nearly threw me off. I maintained but the rest is obviously history 🙂

Anyhow-

Love and Light:

Thom (Shannon’s Bride)

Today’s the day!

My Lover is in the Air as I compose this post. I’ll see him in like eleven hours and I couldn’t possibly be more excited. It’s been a rough nine weeks without him, but my animals and human friends have been really awesome and supportive and I’m grateful beyond words for them. 

I’m not sure what else I can tell you aside from the fact that I’m glowing and profoundly relieved to have my Baby coming home. I’ve tried my best to be strong and keep myself composed but it has been a difficult summer. I’m still a bit stressed about the dead season on the beach coming soon. Got to find myself something to fill in the gaps with.

Not much else is happening. I had an excellent little birthday party at the pub with ten friends so that was good fun. Got some Iron Maiden socks and two Maiden shirts 🙂

I’ve killed damn near the whole summer. A few more hours isn’t shit 😉

Love-

Thom

On being enough

Yep, this is gonna be one of those heavy deeply introspective Planet Berserk posts. Since I began this blog I have made no secret of the fact that I am mentally ill. It’s been a recurring theme of my writing, as it’s something I have a bit of experience and knowledge of. I do this blog because it helps me better understand and grasp what’s going on in my head. I’ve done it for a minute or two now and have some readers, which to me is great if you get something out of it. 

Anyhow, I hate to be a guy who constantly pisses and moans about everything under the sun. I do my best to avoid shit like that because it doesn’t help anyone really. With this said, if I write about the stuff I’m dealing with, I can at least get some outside inside perspective. A crude way of phrasing it but whatever. The ability to pick apart my own words from a distance is both crucial and precious to me. It helps me dial down my ego and be somewhat more… clinical I guess you could call it. Plus putting it on a blog that’s public enables without a mandate the possibility of genuine outside aka another person perspective. Perhaps I’m overthinking it but that IS what I do. 

Some days it feels like the deck is stacked against me. I do my best. I hurt a lot physically and mentally and I try my damnedest to be whatever ‘enough’ is. Strong enough, smart enough, hard working enough, I don’t know….. I just always feel like I’m not doing enough or far along enough or…I have no idea honestly. I know it’s my brain being all bipolarish but being self aware doesn’t just make everything better. It just makes your analysis better in my view. 

I’ve made a living with my body my whole life and now it’s revolting against me in the form of moderately active Rheumatoid Arthritis. The methotrexate and Enbrel are certainly helping but I guess my point of mentioning it is that it’s one more thing to deal with on top of being mentally interesting. There’s side effects from the meds, plus having a physically intense job, plus the creeping depression that is always harder to control than mania. I never go full manic on my meds. I get depressed a lot though. 

Everyone in my family has achieved something, all I’ve done is survive badly. At least this is the kind of stuff that creeps into my thoughts when I’m feeling sad. I chronically suffer from being down on myself. I know it’s stupid but it’s a hard habit to break myself of. RA also has a tendency to amplify depression, or so I’ve read. Of course flaring joints don’t have much of a mood improvement effect. 

I do the best I can. I get up and go to work. I try my hardest to keep up with everything life throws at me. Some days at my job I feel weak as all hell and I hurt all over and my wrists and knuckles are swollen and I go in the beer cooler and fucking sob for a minute. Only a minute though. Not getting paid to lose my shit here 😉

It’s been hard on me this summer. All the while I’ve basically been the walking undead. I’ve been fine at work throughout the last two months, but privately I’ve been a fucking hot mess. Hysterical at times. I’m maxed out on my antidepressant that I had cut in half six months previous. I’ve been gradually getting better about giving myself a break and relaxing, but the first six weeks were pure hell.

In spite of all this, I actually feel like I’m enough today. I put in a solid day of work, made some money and had a pretty good time doing it. My baby comes home in less than two days. I’ve never been with anyone so supportive and encouraging and it’s pretty awesome. He helps me believe in myself and I believe in him. We’re just a couple of hard working guys with serious health issues that do our best to hold one another up. That’s what love should be, at least that’s what I think. I know I’m enough for him 🙂

Again, I try not to bitch about my job or my health issues or whatever. I know lots of folks have it worse. I just have to get it out of my head to where I can see it. As I mentioned, this blog being public doesn’t serve any other purpose than giving outsiders a portal into my war. 

Anything else? I had a wonderful birthday party a few days ago. I’m thirty-five now. Got two Iron Maiden shirts and a pair of Iron Maiden socks too! I also switched to methotrexate injections this week which has helped significantly with side effects. 

Hope you enjoyed this disjointed head spew. Time to recuperate and prepare for Sunday breakfast shift.

Regards-

Thom

Adventures in Lunacy

What else would you expect from me? Seriously, my Summer started off bland and miserable but things are steadily getting more interesting and less morose. As the day of my Man’s return flight creeps closer my heart gets a bit lighter and more pleasant. I’m still a bit weepy day to day but it’s getting better. What can I say? I’m more than a bit emotionally and sexually frustrated. That pent up horny will drive a bitch crazy, trust me. Anyhow, all my weak attempts at repartee aside I’ll throw out a few recent highlights:

Work is going pretty well. I’ve been doing my best with my Server training. Still got a ways to go but it’s going well. It’s a chance to make better money and less physical labor so I decided for the sake of my joints I HAD to give it a shot. My boss told me he would like to have me bus and barback two days and serve three. I think it’s a good development and I’m going to keep at it. 

My health issues are… my health issues as usual, nothing terribly earth shattering. I’m strained and I have been since my lover left town. I’ve frequently thought to myself that if the Bipolar stuff doesn’t get me the RA stuff probably will. That said the RA is currently responding well to the combination of weekly methotrexate pills and Enbrel injections. I’m actually going to do my injection after I finish this post. Perhaps I’ll turn it into a hilarious live stream. Think of it: FLORIDA MAN PUNCTURES SELF WITH BIOTECH 😉 All joking aside I’m having some mild aches today but I think it’s because I’m due for both of the meds. Work is still going to mess with my joints as a Server  but not to the same degree as Barbacking. Mentally I’m hanging in there. My brain has kind of made peace with being out of sorts. I’m doing a lot better than I was the first six weeks. I still cry every day for at least a few minutes because I miss him terribly or I’m just stressed out at the time. Hard to stay on point with so many elements and variables. 

My Birthday is in a week. Going to the local Irish Pub with a group of friends. I hope against hope that I get a Iron Maiden T-shirt with tour dates but if not I’ll just have to freaking buy one 🙂

I’ll be alright. Sometimes it feels like I’m playing with a stacked deck but I just keep trying to make the best of it all. I’m in a diminished state and have been for quite a while. But I only have fifteen more days to go until my heart returns. I can freaking do this. 

That’s all for now.

-Thom