The Path

Lies before me. It’s simple enough to know which way I desire. Alas, the way is not clearly signposted. So much deception, so many snares of ambiguity and such a strange myriad of fellow players.

For a time I badly wanted to believe in the Christian version of things. I went to Church (Antiochian Orthodox), sang in the choir and did catechism. I still miss singing in Church to this day. But too many things didn’t gel with me. The fact that I like men was part of it but not the only thing. I have a wee bit of an Occult background and always thought to myself ‘They would turn on you in a flash if they really knew you.’

I don’t know really. I listen to a lot of fucking evil music. I’m not a Satanist or even a Left Hand Path type. I believe in spiritual discipline and reverence towards the creative forces of the Architect of the Universe. The stuff like Gorgoroth and Averse Sefira and Deicide appeals almost more to the punk in me as what is presented are essentially hymns of rebellion.

I have seen enough of the darker side of humanity for one lifetime. I’ve been through a few doors I perhaps shouldn’t have been. But in spite of this I’ve maintained my ethics more or less. I still consciously know that I am a creature of light after all is said and done. My dumb gay heart refuses to completely lose my humanity.

As I said though, the path is clear enough. Executing can be a bit dicey. So many things are simply not what they appear. So many seemingly illumined people turn out to be the most predatory of creatures. My problem with Christianity has mostly to do with the Church and not Jesus.

As a person in a Hermetic/Rosicrucian space, I like to believe that Christ and I are doing just fine together. However I do wonder sometimes.

I was singing in Church once and became aware of smoke. Where I  sang was in the choir pit towards the back by the doors in from the narthex. In the narthex there was a big sand pit with candles and icons above. An icon had fallen into the candles. It was right on the other side of the wall from me and freaked me out a bit. Until I forgot about it. For a while.

Then I checked out a Church closer to home one week. It was a beautiful little Greek Church. I had a lovely time there and everyone was very nice. I was thinking about going back and found out that in the middle of the night a few days after my visit there was an electrical fire there. Haven’t been to Church since. Kind of feel like I don’t belong there.

I know that these incidents have zero to do with me but they still filled me with… Unease. I’m not really sure why I’m compelled to share this.

Whether the demons that stalk us are internal or otherworldly one fact remains:

Every single day we face a choice of which path to take. Choose wisely.

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Just because…

I can be a little more open here….

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And because here I can speak freely. My Boyfriend is going to Alaska for two weeks. I’m driving him to the airport on Independence Day. I’m going to miss him terribly but we’ll celebrate my Thirty-third birthday the following day when he gets home. At least I have my stagehand gig to keep me busy while he’s away.

More thoughts on being Queer

It’s been a heavy thought subject for me as of late. I don’t generally think of it a whole lot day to day. Still, there times in can think back to and feel… afraid a bit. Times when I was scared to hold my boyfriend’s hand in public, or just being damned well aware of the fact that I was in a hostile environment. I have a tattoo on my back of a Celtic shield. With an eye in the middle. For reals. I believe it to be a subconscious projection of some sort of insane paranoia or some such nonsense. Always watching my back, even among those dear. Sometimes especially so.

Perhaps I should elaborate a bit. Much of my family is Christian. Specifically Lutheran and Catholic. Most are fairly chill and easygoing. However, some including my dad are pretty intensely anti-gay. As a bisexual, I confess that I have let myself fly below the radar by virtue of the presence of various women in my life. I just can’t stand the thought of my I family casting me out. I don’t want to cause drama or anything, I just keep fairly private about my life. I tried to conform to Christian dogma once. It made me feel fallen and icky. I try to be unobtrusive about how I live my life. Still, sometimes people never stop prodding with questions. It makes me kind of sad because I feel like I should just not care by now.

It gives me hope that Gay Marriage made it today. It’s really simple for me. Love is Love, no matter where you find it. That’s why I’m Queer. Because I can’t live with a life of conforming to social pressures. Because I know myself well enough to know when I’m in love. Because it’s what comes naturally.

I try to not be scared. Most people never ask, and the supportive ones far outnumber the twits. It really is a new day here. Sexuality to me is not a static and /or fixed thing. I don’t stop thinking about one or the other if I’m with one. But by the same token if I’m with someone they tend to become my whole world. I’m not the sort to always be looking for something better.

Still, I’m scared of ever approaching the subject with my father. I briefly described this to my boyfriend and inadvertently burst into tears. He was so wonderful about it. Issues aside I’m very happy with my life right now. That’s what life is, really. Problems never disappear, the joy just overshadows them. Or something.

Meh.

On Being Queer

It’s not like I’m entertaining the idea that I’m an expert. Some would say that I’m not qualified to refer to myself as such because I don’t identify as gay. I’ve literally had people tell me my thoughts on the subject don’t matter because I have heterosexual privilege as they call it. Apparently I can just hide out whenever I want because I can just ‘go stealth’ when things get real. Bah. I don’t think these folks understand that my reactions can be be hard to control. I can still get hurt just like anyone else.

I guess my history is a bit odd because I was more into men at first. Then a female friend seduced me and I was like ‘That was splendid!!!’. I’ve pretty well back and forthed it most of my life. Sometimes I think most folks are way too hung up on labels and titles.

I mean, I have a boyfriend who I absolutely adore. I’m a  bisexual male in a homosexual relationship. I don’t identify as strictly hetero or homosexuality because I’ve had rewarding relationships with both. Although sometimes people just don’t get it and I say ‘It’s easier if you just call me queer and leave it at that.’. Not to be a jerk or anything, I just grow weary of having to explain myself.

Some people don’t distinguish between homosexuality and bisexual men. Rather they view both as damaged. This seems to be where the Catholic and Orthodox churches stand and is part of why I have fallen away from Christianity. It’s not the only reason though. Part of it is just that the deeper I tried to conform to Orthodoxy the more I realized it just wasn’t me. I greatly appreciate and value the ancient Hermetic teachings as well as the Rosicrucian tradition and Gnosticism. All of which are denounced as heresy. Meh. Whatever. At least my boyfriend gets the joy of bagging a literal choir boy.

Anyhow, I think a lot less about my romantic attractions than people I know that are puzzled by bisexuality. I just explain it this way: Whether I’m with a man or a woman, they are my top priority and my sanctuary. It doesn’t matter what they are, what attracts me is WHO they are.

Some people seem to think as a bisexual I’m either:
A swinger.

OR:
Unfaithful.

Neither of those are true of me. I am a terminal romantic. My Cocteau Twins album is nicely complementing this thought stream. I’m forced to confess that I’m desperately in love with my Man. He’s so freaking amusing and witty and ARRGH IS IT TOMORROW NIGHT YET??????

But I’ve just been musing on these thoughts lately as it seems that the whole world is hung up on Identity right now. I think what you do and what sort of karma you spread is far more crucial. Yanno?