On the deepest Love

For much of my time on this earth my romantic life has been a disaster. Men and Women have gotten close to me over the years but something always went wrong. I spent a great deal of my twenties constantly sobbing and hurting while desperately trying to figure out what the hell I wanted. People would tell me that they loved me but I was ‘too intense’ or they cheated on me or had intimacy issues or whatever. 

The Women I was with always wanted me to be way more alpha than I was and I knew I wanted to be with Men but I was still in the closet with a lot of people and being with women was the ‘safe’ thing. But I was miserable. In the times when I did have a boyfriend they got all weird when we got close and my personality was a bit too odd for them.  I was pretty sure I’d never be happy with another human being. This went on until I was about thirty-two.

I was coming off a terrible relationship with a girl who was my best friend in high school. She leeched off me and sucked me dry for years hardly ever working and just drained the life from me. When I finally got away my friends were really supportive. Apparently they all loved me and couldn’t understand why I put up with it as long as I did.  So then I actually did something rational and just stayed single for a year. Turned out to be a good move.

I was still active in theatre at the time and got offered a Stage Managing gig in a show I was cast in. At the audition i saw Shannon, an actor I knew from when we did Arsenic and Old Lace a year before. Didn’t think much of it at the time but things were already changing for me. 

As we got deeper into rehearsal Shannon and I started getting to know one another and whatnot. We were being professional but I was… sensing little things that made me go hmm. Finally we began performances after a grueling rehearsal process. 

In this play we were in there’s a scene where my character beats up his character. I got a bit carried away one night and actually kinda broke the set with his body. As we got backstage I asked him if he was alright. He says ‘Yeah, I’ve been waiting for you to manhandle me like that.’. I’m like ‘Yeah?’ and we went back to doing the show. One night I gave him a ride home and we had our first kiss. Things really started blossoming at the cast party. Showmance is supposed to be deadly but it freaking worked for me 🙂

After that show closed we had an intense whirlwind romance. So exciting and passionate, unlike anything I’ve ever experienced with anyone. Not butterflies as much as deep contentment at having made a soul connection. I knew right away that I wanted to show this person my vulnerable underbelly and let him in my heart. Thus I have. It was so awesome of my Mom letting me borrow her car on the weekends to be with him. My Mom adores Shannon and I think she sees that he’s so much better to me than anyone ever has been. 

I feel like being with him has gotten me realigned with the better aspects of my nature. The part of me that just wants to promulgate love and light and beauty all around. I do my damnedest to be there for him in all the ways he is for me. It’s like ‘Goddammit I fucking love you and I’m taking care of you when you’re old!’. 

I mean it. He nurtures me in all the right ways. Inspires me. Builds me up. Helps me believe in myself. Holds me when I’m sad. Dries my tears. Rubs my shoulders when I’m stiff. Runs his fingers through my hair when I rest my head on his chest. Makes me feel more valued than I thought possible. Stirs the joy within me. Fills me with something that I can barely comprehend. 

He and I have lived together for two years now. We have a nice little family, his Dog and Cat and my Kitty and I. Our work schedules make it difficult but we capitalize on the time we do get. He has graduated from boyfriend, to lover , to fiancee. 

A lot of people seem to look down on guys being more feminine or ‘sissy’ or whatever you want to call it. I mean, I’m reasonably masculine, I just don’t limit myself to it. I’ve never really been a regular guy in that sense. I’m sensitive AF and I like being more submissive and giving in a romantic sense. Figuring this out about myself has been truly one of the greatest joys of my life. Articulating myself romantically, sexually and emotionally has been well worth the rough journey. I know who I am and how I want to love and live and I’m fucking doing it. 

Something about this Man lights a fire under my ass and I refuse to let him go. If you come near him I will fuck you up 😉

I realize a diatribe about how much I love my boyfriend may not make for the most interesting reading but oh well 🙂 I just had some thoughts I wished to share with the interwebz.

It’s funny. I say the last show we did is when we hooked up, but I think it started way earlier, at least for me. In our first show, (Arsenic) he was the police lieutenant who chews me out. During that scene he poked me in the chest like an Irish Nun. I didn’t understand at the time what it was making me feel but it obviously stirred me deeply. Every poke freaking stunned me and nearly threw me off. I maintained but the rest is obviously history 🙂

Anyhow-

Love and Light:

Thom (Shannon’s Bride)

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Feeling sufficient

Sometimes I seriously feel like I’m playing with a stacked deck. I’m not sure where this developed but I rarely feel that great about myself. I know I’m not a bad guy but most of the people in my family have at least some kind of meaningful achievement whereas I’m constantly getting down on myself because I’ve done so little. I’m not as bad about this as I used to be. In a lot of ways being with Shannon makes me less apprehensive and does a great deal to build up my spirit. 

Sometimes I believe in myself. It’s a difficult frame of mind for me to get into, but it does happen. Sometimes I’m just so bent on not being arrogant or whatever that I go to the opposite extreme and either sell myself short or tear myself down somehow.  I’m working on this for real because I like to entertain the idea of having some artistic and creative potential yet to be realized. This is one way in which my Man is extremely encouraging with me. I mean, honestly I tried to put a Battle Vest together for years and never got anywhere with it. It’s amazing how much of a lift it gives your spirits when the person you’re with doesn’t think everything you’re into is stupid.

To put it bluntly, my Darling inspires me. He lights a creative fire under my ass and fills me with laughter. He and I are far from perfect but we’re perfect for each other and I can’t wait to marry him. He’s fiercely intelligent, nurturing and so compassionate. I hadn’t intended to turn this post into me gushing about my Man but here we are. I’ve never felt as loved or as safe in anyone’s arms. Now if we could just find him a day job I would be so happy.

Sometimes I feel insufficient, or perhaps insignificant. Shannon’s mental health background helps quite a bit, he’s pretty good about knowing when to let me be. I mean, I kick myself hard enough in the ass every day to appear normal, but I’m always going to be bipolar. I know I’m not either of those I words to Shannon, or my family. 

Let me be real for a moment. I don’t know what to do with my life. I had two severe mental breakdowns in my twenties and I’ve been pretty much adrift ever since. I don’t have a great deal of confidence in myself, but I’m trying to change that. At least giving myself credit for not being a jerk, for still working my ass off with mental illness and RA. I mean, I suppose there’s dignity in not being a deadbeat at least. 

This summer being home alone really wrecked me. I was hysterical most of that time. Didn’t do much outside of go to work and come home and be miserable. I was so happy when Shannon came home and it’s been such a blast. Only problem is my emotions got kind of weird over the summer and I can’t seem to shake it. It takes very little to upset me and make me cry these days. I don’t know how I became all fragile like this and it’s kind of disconcerting to me. 

Aside from that I’m basically alright. I just don’t have much of a social life these days and I miss my friends. It’s hard with opposing schedules and me not having a car. That is a major reason my job prospects are narrow , public transportation here is a joke.  

I’m sure I’ll figure something out here, just kind of bummed out lately. That’s about all I have at the moment. Sorry for being such a downer. 
-Thom

Of distance and longing

To say  I’m having a rough time of late would be quite fair. The usual physical and mental troubles plus the fact of my Darling Man being in Alaska for two months. I’m almost two weeks in and my public face is still pretty good, though it has been wearing on me something fierce. I’m going to work, taking care of our Dog and two Cats and just going through the day to day motions. At some point every day when  I’m alone (usually when I get home from work)  I curl up in our bed and start sobbing. It passes quickly enough, but every day without fail since he left.

I’ve been flirting with escapism, wanting to delete this blog, my facebook, my myrateam.com account and I haven’t done so. Why? Because I know it’ll not really accomplish anything outside of worrying people. I realize that a lot of people care about me but when  I get in a depressed state  I just want to shut out everything under and including the Sun. I know that that’s when  I need to reach out and  I’m slowly getting better about this.

Apparently RA can cause or exacerbate depression. I read this and  I’m like ‘Oh joy.’. I have to at this point stress that I am mostly alright, just having a rough go of things. My joint issues have if anything gotten more pronounced in the last year but they haven’t stopped me yet. I am especially fortunate to have discovered myrateam.com , it’s a really good resource for people with RA. It’s nice to have a place where  I can vent among people in the same situation who  can relate and offer insights and or encouragement. 

So yeah, I’m not going anywhere, as this blog is a major stabilizing factor in my life. I’m hanging in there. I’m in the weeds, and  I hurt. Sometimes terribly. I try not to be that flaky person always bitching and moaning about something be it physical or mental. But if this blog was intended for anything it’s precisely this. More than anything it’s for me to help with sorting myself out. I tend to be a person who suffers privately but  I’m trying to get more open with other people about what  I think and feel. Because sometimes people want to help me. What’s more, sometimes I want to let them 😉

I promise to keep doing my best. 93

-Thom

Muh Summer

It’s right around the corner. The humidity is spiking in grand Florida fashion as I prepare myself to go see Iron Maiden in June. That along with turning thirty-five are the main points of interest so far. 

On the home front I’m bracing myself for two lonely months without my Lover Man. He got a lead in a Play in Alaska. I would have liked to join him but  I simply couldn’t scrape together the funds. Also, I feel like it’ll be best for our animals having one of us here.

Rheumatologically the battle continues unabated. In spite of a year of various meds my Vectra DA score (Disease Activity) more than doubled since last year when  I was first diagnosed with RA. I’m trying to remind myself that this number doesn’t reflect the increase in my methotrexate which I’m sure is helping. 

Sometimes I’ll have a few days straight of my joints being relatively calm and painless. It’s easy to underestimate how capricious and erratic my body can be. I’ll start feeling strong and cocky but the swelling always returns and slaps me back into my place. Still, overall I think I’m showing some recent improvement and am optimistic that incorporating a gluten and sugar free diet will give me even more edge. My first diet attempt crashed and burned but  I plan to give it another go while my Man is in AK.

So yeah, the summer is pretty wide open. I am sure as shit not just being a house ape the whole damn time. I’m gonna miss the living fuck out of Him 😦

That’s about all for now. I find this is a useful protip to give oneself from time to time 😉

Be well-

Thom

Plugging away

I had a rough couple weeks there but  I seem to be relatively back to normal. Well, normal for me at least. I did my usual ice, short bursts of prednisone and ibuprofen routine but this flare just didn’t pass. I messaged my Rheumatologist and he was able to squeeze me in the following day(Friday). 

When  I saw the Doctor he examined my joints and said that the Humira had suddenly pooped out on me. The methotrexate was supposed to prevent developing a resistance to the biologic but  I guess the dose wasn’t high enough for that. We talked for a bit and we decided to give Enbrel a try. He had his nurse walk me through my first injection of it as well as give me a steroid injection. I’m glad he threw that in because my wrists loosened up immediately. Two days later  I’m off the prednisone and just taking a bit of Advil. Feeling alright. Much better, actually. 

Sometimes I get concerned about my ability to do my job. It can be pretty physical, but as long as my joint swelling is under control I can totally handle it. That said, I have a really great job with cool people and  I’m hesitant to mess with it. I know this will sound ridiculous but- I’ve worked at lots of places that are like a big family. Crabby’s is the first place I’ve worked where  I actually felt like part of said family.

What else can  I tell  you about, whoever you may be? Shannon is going to Alaska for a lead role in a Shakespeare production. Very happy for him. I badly wanted to go but it makes sense for me to hold down the fort, care for the animals and work the summer. One huge development- GOING TO SEE IRON MAIDEN! Taking my buddy Justin to see Iron Maiden in Tampa for his Birthday. I am excited beyond words. My tickets should arrive in the next few days. 

I’ve also become a bit more active on myrateam.com – It’s like Facebook, but for people with Rheumatoid Arthritis. I try to curtail how much  I gripe about health issues on facebook and keep it entertaining. This blog and the aforementioned social network are where  I prefer to spill my guts. 

I usually keep myself together, but sometimes I get bad bouts of depression along with painsomnia. I’m happy to say this has not been a problem since getting my wellbutrin adjusted. Both with my RA and my Mental Issues, I sometimes feel like  I’m too functional to be taken seriously. I mean, I’m pretty physically strong, but  the difficult thing for me is accepting the fact that  I have limits and boundaries. For most of my twenties  I was pretty much unstoppable. Not so much anymore. People are surprised when  I tell them about my health issues. I dunno. I guess all  I’m saying is I’m reasonably strong but  I’m more frail than  I appear. I guess it comes with getting older. 

 On a side note- I got bored and live streamed my last Humira injection. It seemed to amuse a few people so I’m happy with it. The last two days since seeing the doctor have been great. Fruitful days of work, been catching up with dear friends and just plain enjoying myself. Had a lovely lunch Friday at the local Irish Pub with a couple of my Readers and Shannon 😉

That’s about all  I have for now. Alive, content and pressing on. 

Can’t ask for much else, eh?

PS- I saw this photo while  I was browsing google images. I really like it. You never really have any idea what another person is going through. 


Regards-

Thom

Spring is in the air

Yup, Florida’s ever so brief flirting with cool temperatures is nearly behind us giving way to spring. This will be my second spring break working on Clearwater Beach and I am EXCITED this year. I plan to make some money. The fact that my employer just gave me a killer raise plays into this aspiration well. 

Health wise I’m doing pretty well. My foot is all healed up and my RA meds seem to be doing the job. I’m not having intense pain when I do flare and it’s certainly less frequent with my taking the Methotrexate and Humira. I don’t use steroids much these days and I rarely use my heavy duty ibuprofen.

Anyhow, things are pretty good right now. Work goes well, I’ve managed to catch up with a couple friends recently and I’m just trying to enjoy the time I do get to myself. Playing into that, my listening agenda lately has consisted of The Devil’s Blood, Beherit, Funeral Mist. Samael, Jex Thoth, Jess and the Ancient Ones, Fallen Christ and Sadistic Intent. I’ve also been occasionally working in some moody stuff like a bit of The Golden Palominos and how could I forget that lovely band called Purson? Magnificent band, sultry, trippy and deeply insightful. Just the way I like my Psychedelica.

I don’t do nearly as much reading these days as I would like and this is something that I’m trying to improve my record on. I’m ADHD as all get out. I live to read if it interests me but I have a hard time staying on task and my attention wanders horribly. Currently I’m reading a book about Goddess worship throughout human history as well as the occasional Crowley book. Even if all I read is a chapter now and then I try to keep going.

As ever, with all things. This spring break should be a bit better. A lot of the construction on the beach is donezo. I know what’s wrong with my joints unlike last spring break. The meds seem to be working well and I’m feeling alright about it. As long as I can manage the fatigue I’ll be alright. I just finished eight days straight the day before yesterday. Can’t wait to get that check. 

In the meantime, based on a few suggestions from friends I’m going to give CBD oil a try for my arthritis pain. It got some rave reviews from people I know that had some pretty serious pain to manage. I’m pretty sure Florida will give me a medical marijuana card but God knows how long that’ll take. CBD is already legal in this state and I think it’s worth a shot.

So yes, today finds me facing the near future with optimism and hope. I just have to be careful and listen to my body. I can only do what I can do. 

That goes for you as well. 

93

-Thom

Much awake, Very coffee, wow, Such Morning

It’s not quite seven AM in glorious Florida and I’m the first one up as usual. Got ‘Blood Moon Rise’ by Jex Thoth gently wailing from the speakers and a pot of cafe naviera. Good times. Jessica from Jex Thoth is an incredibly compelling singer and songwriter and her various works are among my favorite places to retreat to when I escape the trappings of my existence.  Highly recommend you check them out, along with the first Sabbath Assembly album. 

So, that aside I must declare that its been a pretty good week. I said screw the Superbowl and went and saw Rogue One in IMAX with Shannon and his Mom instead. I must admit, however that I am happy the Patriots won. The butthurt among Patriots haters is deliciously awesome. I’m not a football fan, just a snarky Jerk, really 😉 Anyhow, Rogue One was the major highlight of the week, but read on- there’s more.

I had my appointment at the wound care center yesterday and… My Doctor said that I can go back to work !!! I’ve been going absolutely stir crazy with nothing to do so this is freaking great news. Plus I need money, you know? I’m just massively relieved that all this nonsense is finally almost behind me. I’m back on my methotrexate and Humira which appears to have headed off the icky flare I was certain was beginning. Off the prednisone and even my wrists have been relatively calm the last couple days.

So yeah, just a few more days to kill and I can start making money again. My French press beckons so I believe this is a good stopping point for this post. Hope you all have a lovely and fruitful day 🙂

-Thom