Muh frustration

It’s 4:23 in the morning and I’ve been up for two hours. I fell asleep around 8 like I usually do(even remembered to take some melatonin first) and woke up because I had to pee. That’s usually the thing that ends up curtailing an otherwise promising night of sleep.

I laid back down for a while and tossed about, clutching my Unicorn and thinking about my Boyfriend. Our bed is messed up so I sleep in it alone on the decent side. He sleeps on the couch and I, well…I kind of lose my mind at night. I didn’t get into a commited relationship so I could sleep with just my stuffed animals!!!*sigh* I sip some more of my tea, take a breath and begin to explore the possibility of bonghits. Don’t get me wrong, our relationship is immensely joyful and full of love. We just have a pretty shit sleeping arrangement right now.

Morning time is hard for me. The part where I have breakfast, take my various meds and start charging towards my daily bullshit is alright but the EARLY morning (usually 3-630 or so) is my isolation chamber time essentially as the rest of the house and world(most of the folks around here anyway)My Kitty passed right before last Christmas and I think the most about her in my night and morning because she used to sleep in the bed with me. I often find myself feeling especially woeful early on and then all i have to do is glance at her urn on the shelf and the tears just start flowing. That hasn’t happened today but the rest of the house is snoozing and I’m wide fucking awake wishing it was already time to do stuff because I am going a LITTLE stir crazy here lolol๐Ÿ˜น I think part of it is my body screaming for that first hit of estradiol. Which will only make me more frisky ๐Ÿคฃ

On the one hand I appreciate the solitude and the quiet immensely when I need it, it’s just that I wake up in high gear and it’s simply not a good fit the first few hours! I have a few friends I can text at weird hours but I really try to avoid doing so but….

I’m just so fucking starved for some interaction. But right now the pipe will have to do. That and maybe bothering the Cat a bit. At least now it’s late enough to take my HRT and start equalizing ๐Ÿค˜

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HRT Day 300 minus one ๐ŸŒท

Hey Y’all! Hope you’re having as Gloriously appropriate a Hump Day as this Girl. I should probably put a content warning of some sort on this post as I plan on talking about some intimate stuff regarding my HRT and my sex life as well as more personal stuff like genital dysphoria as well as surgical aspirations. If you are the squeamish type you might be best advised to read something else. That said, well….

Hi folks! It’s ya Girl Lily Jane!๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’œ I’m at about a year and eight months of social transition and coming up on 300 days of medical transition in the form of Hormone Replacement Therapy, specifically Estradiol tabs, progesterone, and spironolactone. I’m in the process of getting my name changed from Thomas to Lily but I’m kind of stuck until I round up all my addresses since BIRTH. I know most of them but have no idea where I lived as an infant and whatnot so I need to ask my Mom about this before I can finish the forms for the lawyer and get petitions rolling. Aside from that I’m really getting eager as hell to get at the least an orchiectomy soon so I can stop taking this Spironolactone stuff. It has me in a pretty intense state of brain fog most of the time, though it does seem to be easing off now that the heat is receding a bit.

So aside from the bodily effects of the Estradiol(breast development is currently at a B๐Ÿ™‚,softer skin, far less body hair,softening of facial features) the emotional side of things has been really quite remarkable. I’m definitely a lot more sensual than I used to be for one and a far more passionate and involved lover than I’ve been in the past(at least according to my Man) and my bipolar disorder is far less intense than in most of my life leading up to transition. I find myself better at leveling mmyself out when the brain chemicals are pumping though much of this could also be attributed to being in a stable and healthy relationship for several years. I’m able to see how a lot of my life leading up to this was pretty much exactly what people mean when they say Testosterone poisoning .Suffice it to say, It really was making me hopelessly insane trying to conform to a Male framework.

HRT has mostly been really good for me mentally. I’m finding that Bipolar issues can still be quite challenging because in the past I’ve always been fairly adept at spotting my mood swings and cycles but now its sometimes a bit less clear if I’m being manic or depressive or….just a hormonal bitch. I don’t get sucked into awful moods that seem to last forever like in days past but it seems like it takes far less to make me upset these days. I’m a reasonably strong person I suppose, but like for example: One day I literally started hysterically crying at work because a Lady at the bar said that I was mean to her. Yeah. Just the implication totally shattered my composure. But also, I feel like I get what my Mom has to say about a lot of things more clearly these days. If nothing else, Estradiol is slowly crafting me into a more intuitive being and a better and more compassionate listener. I’m not really sure what’s up with my Dad and I but in the case of my Mom my blossoming process is bringing us a lot closer as Family.

On another note, sex is…..kind of annoying lately. But this is really an oversimplification. I still have a sex life that’s often quite fun, it’s just that I’m pretty much hormonally sterile and things simply don’t work the way they used to. I’ve had one solitary orgasm since the HRT really kicked in and began beating down my nads. But that one orgasm about two or three months ago was the single most devastating climax of my LIFE. I’m STILL feeling waves of aftershocks from THAT one. That’s one of the fun things about feminization through HRT. It literally allows you to experience female orgasms. Sounds pretty cool, eh? Problem is your old equipment is not rendered useless per se, it’s just that things are really screwy. It should be noted that regardless of what you do with your genitals, you always have a prostate (if you’re MTF like moi). I guess I need a book or a proper toy more like or to look up some massage techniques because I have not been successful getting off in this manner, though the effort is a LOT of fun ๐Ÿค˜

So yeah, I really wish I could come(ESPECIALLY now that I know what I’m missing!)and sometimes the HRT feels like a cruel joke because estrogen makes me UNBELIEVABLY horny most of the time. Literally, if you glance quick enough you might see me grinding my booty and making love to the air. Estradiol has truly inflamed my senses!But even if i can’t pop i still have a HELL of a lot of fun pleasing my Man and getting my booty drilled. I mean, it’s almost like there’s a sort of ascetic flavor to my sexploits these days, like a sort of tantric bliss. I’m glad I can at least still mostly scratch the intense psychological itch. I’m told this stuff takes patience and imagination ๐Ÿค˜

I plan to ask my Endocrinologist about an Orchie soon as I said, and the rest of surgical stuff i hope to do depends on how long it takes to get letters and referrals and stuff. In all honesty genital dysphoria has gotten a lot more intense as I’ve gotten deeper into transition. The spiro related shrinkage does make it a little less agonizing though. My Man has been really patient with me when we’re intimate. I mean, I don’t really use my dick much for sex or solitary fun at all any more. Even if using it feels nice it just totally fucks up the contents of my head too much so I’m just very much enjoying being a total bottom/Sub(as I’ve been gravitating towards for my whole life) and focusing on touch and sensation lately as well as more psychological factors when we’re intimate.

So there it is. More than you ever wanted to know about Lily Jane ๐ŸŒท

Also, HAPPY FALL AND YAY FOR BATTLE JACKET WEATHER ๐Ÿค˜(photo from yesterday when I began this post)

Have a lovely Thursday, Y’all. Time for this Flower Girl to go to work๐Ÿ’‹

-Lily Jane ๐ŸŒท

Adventures in Flowering Part Two

Howdy, y’all ๐Ÿ˜ธToday is a day off for me and I’m feeling kinda reflective and sort of trippy and surreal all at once. This is not at all to say that I’m feeling bad, just in a deeply contemplative headspace. I’ve been out as a Transgender Woman officially since 2-19-2018. Ten months later after seeing my Gender therapist a few times I began feminizing hormone therapy. It’s already done quite a bit at not even nine months yet but more crucial than any physical change it’s given me (don’t get me wrong, I freaking LOVE my Breasts๐ŸŒท) is what it’s done for my mental health.

I struggled with mental illness in my early years and teens, but it was mostly functional until after high school. I was diagnosed bipolar when I was 22. After getting taken to the psych unit by the police. Yeah. I had first really started feeling trans(though I didn’t really fully understand what I was experiencing at the time) around this time and basically I allowed collective social pressures to push my inner girl back into the closet for nearly thirteen more years.

I was in and out of hospitals a lot in my twenties and I was a freaking MESS. Gender dysphoria clearly wasn’t the only thing messing with my head but it was damned sure a major factor. The first few years I was with my boyfriend I know my mental illness was pretty frightening to him. But he and so many people I know have told me that they have seen a remarkable change for the positive in my psyche in the time I’ve been on HRT. My therapists have also made similar comments. Before I was transitioning and on HRT my boyfriend wasn’t sure if he was going to be able to handle me long term but he’s been a truly amazing and supportive ally on this journey. I’m still bipolar and bad days are going to come but things are nowhere near as dark and hopeless feeling as they used to be. In many ways it feels like estradiol has sort of rewired my brain. Some things that seem trivial absolutely cut through me with explosive force now. It really doesn’t take much these days to make me cry but….I’m slowly but surely making more sense of my emotions and my weird impulses.

So what’s changed? My breasts are up to a B cup though until just a week or so ago I hadn’t noticed the nipples getting much bigger, hopefully more progesterone will help ๐ŸŒท), my skin is the absolute softest it’s ever been, Estradiol has virtually eliminated most of my unwanted body hair and I’m definitely noticing a little more ‘Girl’ in my face these days. I over analyze the hell out of that last part. I just have a lot of anxiety about it sometimes because I doubt I’d ever be able to afford Facial Feminization Surgery and I’m hoping the HRT proves to be sufficient. I feel kinda stupid admitting that but yeah, sometimes I think ‘Am I ever going to look convincingly female?’ I hate to say it(because shit like that just reinforces bullshit stereotypes)but I take a lot of shit and sometimes I just long so hard to blend in a little. I know my femininity is adequate enough and so am I, but my voice still clocks me instantly, face is a little better at almost 9 months.

Still, even with Spiro making me dumb and confused and loopy, life is a LOT better than pre Transition. I used to freak out and be obsessive when I couldn’t find something or whatever. Nowadays I’m just like ‘Oh well’. The main thing messing with me right now is my working life. Not really making enough money on the beach and not wanting to get too involved with looking for jobs until I have my legal stuff signed in blood(I’m sick of how awkward the name thing makes interviews). Anyhow, that stuff IS moving along as I have a phone appointment with the lawyer TOMORROW. I mean, I’ve at least made it this far, which I never thought possible. My family hasn’t thrown me away. In fact we’re pretty tight these days! Things aren’t great with my Dad but… We shall see. I’ve lost some friends but the ones that stuck by me are closer than ever as well as many new ones emerging. I haven’t yet made it through but I’m staying the fucking course here. I still have moments when I pause and just start weeping joyfully because I’m actually fucking out of the cage I spent 35 years in๐Ÿค˜

I’ve been trying to find some way to get involved with activism. I guess I need to call Equality Florida again, they never called me back about me volunteering. It would also be good if I started going to Metro in Clearwater. I am HURTING for some local community or at least a few local friends.

*sigh*I really wish HRT appointments weren’t six months apart. I wanna ask my endocrinologist about switching to injectable estrogen, and find out about referrals for surgical consultation for at least an orchiectomy because this spironolactone stuff is REALLY cramping my style(and basic reasoning). Time to make a list of things to ask the doctor in DECEMBER *sigh*

So aside from all that stuff I’m doing pretty well with the RA stuff lately. Relatively low pain though still a bit fatigued lately. I have an infusion Thursday followed by lunch with my Man and Mom and Aunt Mary so YAY! That’ll be good fun ๐Ÿค˜

As y’all can see, my new hat is still extremely new and exciting to Me ๐Ÿคฃ

Anyhow, I’m going to go enjoy some of my fabulous medical cannabis now and have Me some quality time with my Darling Man๐Ÿ˜

With copious amounts of Morbid Flower Girl Love:

Lily Jane ๐ŸŒท

Lily Languishing?

It certainly feels that way at times. Sometimes I really wish I could have started transition when I was 22. Instead of coming out when I first began to bloom I let myself be crushed by social pressures for another thirteen years. Nearly all of that time I was hopelessly bipolar and was hospitalized several times. I still am bipolar, of course. But things have been much more approachable and manageable since I started transitioning socially and ESPECIALLY since I began HRT. Gender Dysphoria nearly crushed Me but getting on Estradiol and Spiro literally saved my life.

I’m still struggling with my employment. It hasn’t been a great season on the beach and my RA was absolutely freaking out(since i had to go off meds for about six weeks!)after I had pneumonia over spring break time. Today is my second Orencia infusion and I’m happy to say things are slowly but surely leveling off and calming down with my joints since I began. No reactions to the infusion and it only takes about half an hour.

As much as I love working on the beach, I’m thinking it may be time to move on. It’s just getting too hard with my joint issues and it’s just not really suiting me well these days. Which actually makes me upset because I love the people I work with and for. But I can’t deny that I’m slowing down from the RA fatigue as well as losing strength from HRT and I’m simply reaching a stage where I need to dial it down a bit and find something a little less erratic.

I don’t mean to sound all melodramatic, really. Things are not THAT bad. But I’m in the weeds pretty hard nonetheless. I’m just not making enough money to pay for all my regular obligations and not one but now two therapists who don’t take my insurance. That in itself is about an extra 175 a month. This is fine when the beach is going well but that’s not the case lately.

I’ve got my sights on something entry level at the local hospital. I think it’s achievable since my employment history is a bit more solid these days and I have a medical card to justify a positive cannabinoids test which for years was the only thing really stopping me. So putting together a resume and applying for a few positions is DEFINITELY on my agenda today.

Speaking of the medical card for a moment:

Saw my awesome Cannabis Physician yesterday morning and had a splendid visit. He is an Internist who doubles as a Cannabis Clinician and a Family Doctor, absolutely wonderful fellow. He hadn’t seen me in six months and was like ‘Wow, you’re getting some amazing results from the HRT!’. Anyhow, he added my recommendation for smokeable flower so I’m happy about that for sure. I just wish insurance would help with some of this stuff. On a side note, both the Doctor and the nice Lady who brings my mail told me I looked gorgeous around 9am yesterday so I was pretty much riding euphorically high on that little cloud all day.

HRT is seriously the best thing I’ve ever done for myself and one of the main reasons I refuse to confirm the question posed by the title of this post. I am not failing. But my blooming process has been extremely long and painstaking. I’m honestly barely even halfway there. The HRT has shown me that I can be comfortable within my own head without needing my mind to be completely drugged into submission with stuff like zyprexa or thorazine. I’m honestly amazed my twenties didn’t kill me. I think of all the pain, anguish, hopelessness, and crushing despair during those years and it truly helps me grasp and appreciate how much better my life is these days.

Hormones take a long time to do their thing but the immediate relief to my wounded psyche from the first few days was absolutely ASTOUNDING to me. There are the obvious effects to be expected like of course breast development (at almost six months in I’m around a B cup) and softening of facial features. Some of the most pleasing personal things I’ve noticed so far include a DRASTIC reduction in my body hair. I was never a very hairy person and I always hated the little bit I got. I’m still pretty dense and bushy in the pubic region as well as the armpits but my chest hair and the hair on my legs have pretty much completely disappeared. I used to get terrible dysphoria from shaving my chest and whatnot so it makes me so happy that I no longer need to. I haven’t shaved my legs in three weeks and the stubs are so much more wispy and less coarse. Even at three weeks of letting it go my legs still look mostly smooth. The only area this hasn’t helped with is facial hair. Still going to have to get that zapped eventually.

The other funny thing is that I’m sort of shrinking. No, not THAT(AT LEAST NOT YET LOL), but height is what I mean. I used to be one inch taller than my Man at Six feet. Now we’re dead even and he’s looking awfully smug ๐Ÿ˜

One thing HRT doesn’t do is help one with vocal troubles. I’m hoping to eventually look in to getting a vocal feminization surgery which is where a small amount of the voice tissues are shaved to alter the pitch. My boyfriend offered to pay after he heard that wouldn’t be able to speak for a month after the fact. He’s a funny Man but I don’t think he’s joking this time๐Ÿ˜„

I was set to do a voice class soon but it got canceled. I was pretty upset about that because vocal dysphoria hits me pretty darn hard sometimes. I look a lot more feminine than I did early on but I feel like my voice really throws people off.

I see my Endocrinologist in a few weeks at which point I am hoping to secure letters for legal name/gender marker change/surgery, get on progesterone to further breast development and aside from that, just trying to stay on target๐Ÿ˜Ž

Not languishing, just fighting like hell the way I do.

More as it develops๐Ÿ’‹

-Lily Jane

Year One, Complete!

CW: Surgical Stuff

This post is a couple days late but…. I made it through my first Year since I came out as a Trans Woman! It’s been a hell of an interesting journey and I figured a bit of reflection was in order as well as ruminating a bit on what the second year of transition will entail.

So the big deal initially was coming out a year ago on this blog(which I knew family would read) and Facebook and Instagram where I had been hinting as much for a good while. This became common knowledge where I work and fortunately I had and still have an extremely supportive work environment. This has been a huge factor in building my confidence to move forward with my transition to female. That’s not to say there haven’t been some exceptions but finding the confidence to be out at work and be secure enough to express my identity has spilled over nicely into the rest of my life and dealing with friends, associates, and family members. My friends were the least surprised of anyone when I came out and have been awesome across the board. My family has been really amazing. There have been some very awkward and tense moments but there’s also been some pretty superb comedy and for the most part everyone has been really cool. My Dad was less than thrilled when I came out to him in the form of a letter. Things are pretty tense and I’m doing my best. Coming out to him was a more recent hurdle I had to clear. It was in December, under the advice of my Gender Therapist. It was right around the time I started Hormone Therapy, representing one of the first really major steps I’ve taken in my transition. Also, my big Sister doubled down on her support by asking me to be one of her Bridesmaids so major love to her!

That was a bit of a time jump there, but this post is going to be a bit disjointed so bear with me please. Most of the first year I just slowly accumulated clothing and makeup and went to see my two therapists. The process of transitioning seems to vary greatly by state but I saw a gender therapist for a few sessions and he referred me to the Endocrinologist who prescribes my HRT.

Having a supportive partner has been immeasurably valuable to me and I love Shannon beyond words. When I first began to find myself he made damn sure I knew he would love me no matter what and he has been true to his word. I fully realize how fortunate I am for having him in my life.

So I’m creeping up on three months on HRT. So far I think it’s working pretty well. I’ve already seen a decent amount of softening in my general features and quite a bit of breast development as well. So as you can imagine, I’ve been pretty sore. Totally worth it ๐Ÿ˜Ž

I stepped down as the Administrator of the Transgender Metal Group I founded on Facebook. I really like the group, I just wasn’t comfortable with the role I put myself in with where I’m at with my mental issues and my transition and felt that my Moderator and Metal Sister Larissa Glasser was the logical choice of who to hand it over to. I have immense respect for her as a Woman and a Metalhead and am really excited about reading her book ‘F4’ which just arrived in the mail.

So as for future goals…. The legal name change as well as the gender marker are the next things in my crosshairs. I want to do surgery too, eventually. But not getting constantly deadnamed is currently a HIGH priority for me.

As for surgery, I’ve looked into the options and with my health issues I don’t think I could handle a full Vaginoplasty. The aftercare is really intense for one but… Since I have issues with healing and fighting infections I’m pretty sure I’d be happy with a Vulvoplasty without needing to construct a vaginal canal. As long as I looked anatomically accurate externally I really see no reason to put myself through all that dilation and aftercare. It’s mostly that I don’t think bowel complications and the like are worth constructing a vaginal canal I don’t feel I need that could cause a lot of problems with my health issues and the meds I take. Plus recovery time with a Vulvoplasty is usually much quicker.

So, not that anyone asked… But yeah. I want Gender Confirmation Surgery eventually. Hopefully in the next year or two. But the legal name change is currently my top priority.

I’m doing my best and I’m grateful for everyone who’s been looking out for me. In my personal, working and online life I have a small army of people who go to great lengths to build me the Hell up and help me believe in myself.

Thanks so much ๐Ÿ’‹ It’s been an absolutely amazing year, and I can’t wait to see what the future holds๐ŸŒท

Love-

Lily Jane ๐Ÿ’œ