Variability

The holidays notwithstanding things are ever shifting. Time distorts, and it seems like nothing is happening yet everything is somehow different or altered. Some for the better, others not so much.

I’m feeling sad lately and I don’t always have the ability to put it into even the most basic of words or terms. Not all the time, mind you. I actually almost have an idea of where I’m going with this line of thought.

Often I say that I’m X (Sad, Depressed, Morose, or whatever) and ‘I don’t know why’. I’m choosing to point it out because it’s nearly always a misrepresentation of the truth which eventually emerges. Granted there are times when words utterly fail me, but it really doesn’t happen much. Point being that I am almost always blowing smoke when I say things like that.

I’m also feeling quite happy in some respects. I have a lot to be grateful for and I’m fully conscious of this. I mean, there are the usual stressors but my romantic life is unbelievably fulfilling despite my Darling and I being on opposing schedules. I’m excited about Christmas, and seeing my Sister as well as the rest of the family.

I’ve just been shifty lately. It’s the nature of my illness, even when it’s well controlled. I’ve been having occasional flashes of intense sadness, sometimes in the middle of talking to someone. Or anxiety. Either way I feel icky as hell almost instantly. It seems to worry people who see me like that. I try to explain that it happens and I just sort of have to let it run its course. Doesn’t usually last that long.

That, of course is the easiest way I can sum up bipolar disorder. It’s not the highs or lows that get you. It’s the back and forth shit that really drives a person berserk.

Any time I’m sick or my joints start flaring up I tend to get weepy and blubbery. Today is one of those days and I’m on the couch with my Pikachu trying to take it easy. I’m hoping the dreaded work bug I seem to have goes easy on me. I don’t want to have to go off my RA meds when I just got things under control.

So yes, I am a bit frustrated and feeling icky at present. But instead of staring at the walls and wandering around in my head I decided to write about it. Did I achieve anything? I suppose that’s purely a matter of perspective. Whatever. It made me feel a bit better, that’s all I really care about right now.

That’s all I have at the moment. Be well and enjoy yet another obnoxious selfie.

-Tommy Boy

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My Halloween in pictures

I sure as hell had me some fun this year. I went to work at the crack of dawn dressed as Harley Quinn from Suicide Squad. Due to it being kind of a skeleton crew sort of day I was not only bussing and barbacking but also hosting. This gave me an unbelievable opportunity to mess with people in ways I had never been capable of which I fully capitalized on. Anyhow I got some really cool pictures and I’d like to show you a few of them. This first photo was taken by my manager when I first came in at the crack of dawn. There were a great deal of astonished looking people on the beach walk when Courtney and I walked from her car to the restaurant. Even at 6:30 in the morning. Whatever, I freaking slayed that shit.

Next is a photo of my Buddy Courtney and I. She drove me to work so I wouldn’t have to take the scary bus. She also helped me with my eyeliner which I am absolutely terrible with. Ain’t she a doll? This photo is on our restaurant’s facebook page. Got to love those vampire girls 🙂

Next is me with my ‘work wife’ Jill. She did herself up as a Hot Mess which i thought was deliciously clever.

My buddy Ashleigh got a great sassy shot of me by the downstairs bar. I feel it captures the spirit of the character well 🙂

So here’s where it gets interesting. one of the night time servers came in as i was finishing up dressed as the Joker. We didn’t plan this at all but had to get a picture of it. He ended up winning the costume contest and I got second. Whatever I’m happy for him he looked really badass.

After work i stopped by my watering hole for a beer and a quick showing off. My buddy Dave gave me a lift home from the beach but not before i got mad crazy catcalls from peopls on hotel balconies as we walked to his car. A while after that some good friends showed up with beer and a cool guy we had not met who snapped this photo that my ACTUAL Boyfriend (also dressed as the Joker) joined us in before he had to go to work.

My buddy Sarah got a nice one of Shannon and I:

As well as a nice one of she and I

And that is about all. Hope you enjoyed it 🙂

Love,

Tommy

Of mischief and fragility

Been on a bit of an odd trip the last few months. Or is it just that sort of life? Meh, probably. At least I’m mostly having fun. So allow me to break down what’s happening on my planet.

1. Excited about Halloween in a couple days. Going to work and a party that night dressed as Suicide Squad’s Harley Quinn. It’s simply too epic a trolling to pass up. My inner Loki simply has a raging boner for this one. I know, sometimes I’m just totes eloquent.

2. My RA has been resurfacing after a long period of being in very little pain. Not sure if it’s the weather or what but I’m back on the prednisone and not thrilled about it. Tapering down because most predictably the stuff always turns me into a wreck mentally. Calming down a bit but worried I’m going to flare like hell as soon as the steroid is gone. Hoping this doesn’t mess with my Halloween Fun.

3. I’m still having lots of fun rediscovering my boyish inner self and watching lots of cartoons and spending lots of time outside. Trying to spend more time laughing because it makes difficult and trying times so much more bearable. Getting ready to chill with my Pikachu and some gummi worms and watch something cute.

4. Mentally, as usual I’m a highly mixed bag. I’m honestly well aware of my varying degrees of madness. I have my craziness fairly well deconstructed. It’s just that awareness does not automatically equal results. I’ve done a lot of work on myself the past few years to just be more open with other people and laid back and peaceful. Yes, Crazy Thom wants inner peace. I know, it’s wacky, right? In all seriousness though I’m still tearing away context/details/shit that I don’t need from my brain on a daily basis and tossing it in the incinerator.

5. I’ve come to realize that most people do the bulk of their suffering privately. I’m trying to keep in perspective the fact that everyone could be in the midst of a raging battle that i know nothing about.

That’s about all i have for now except…..

A Halloween teaser photo:

Have fun and be safe this Halloween!

-Tommy Boy