Creeping gratitude

I just recently passed the one month clean mark and I must say that things are looking up.  Granted,  life is no less capricious than previously.  I’m still dealing with physical and mental health issues as well as trying to get my life in order.  It IS happening though.  Which is something I was never able to do when I was drinking and drugging.

First, I’ll delve into  the health issues a bit. My arthritis and tendonitis are still raging and my hypertension has come back with a vengeance. I had to discontinue my ADHD medication due to my pressure being dangerously high. I’m on meds and have leveled out, but I am no longer able to work as a busser and barback. The fatigue from the meds plus the pain in my hands and forearms was simply too intense to push through. I was getting vicious headaches and feeling like I was going to puke or pass out working in the heat. One day when my amazing boss came in and I felt like death I leveled with her and said ‘What do you think I should do?’. She was really cool about the whole thing and moved me to hosting. It’s less money but I’m so grateful to still have a job. 

The bright spot to all this is that I soldiered through it long enough to claw my way out of the financial hole I was in while I was using. My Doctor has been advising me to find a less labor intensive job for over a year so I’m sure he’ll be thrilled when I tell him about all this in two weeks.  However,  there’s more to the health issues than I’ve so far mentioned.

The pain in my hands has been getting worse and more frequent.  I’ve been screened many times,  but due to new developments  (morning stiffness,  nodules on knuckles on both hands) he ordered more blood work,  xrays and a referral to a Rheumatologist once again. I’m seeing both doctors on the 24th.  I’m not jumping to conclusions but I am a bit worried. I don’t know,  we’ll see.  As vague as that is it’s the best I’ve got right now. 

All these issues aside, I am enjoying life more than I ever thought was possible.  I’ve made some new friends in NA and have a great sponsor who’s really easy to talk to. I’ve begun working the steps and am finding it challenging but illuminating. I’m going to NA meetings every day and putting myself in the middle of it all. When I find myself alone and irritable I pick up the phone or read recovery literature. I’m building a support network and dealing with life on it’s own terms as well as I can. 

I’m trying to remind myself daily of how much love I have in my life and everything I’m grateful for.  Like Death Metal, my Boyfriend, our animals,  my family, my friends and most of all, the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous.  Sometimes I can hardly believe any of this is real. This is not to say that I don’t have bad days or still think about getting drunk and high. I’m just getting better at managing my feelings in a constructive manner. I have a home group and am beginning to get involved in service.  It’s really awesome.  Next month they have me chairing a meeting.  How’d that happen? 🙂

I already had a decent relationship with a higher power but The fellowship has simply galvanized it. I feel it working in my life daily. Am I insane? Quite.  Doesn’t make me wrong. I have my life back and am not about to give it up.

Thank you, NA. Thank you for slowly but surely restoring me to something approaching real sanity.



Random Thoughts

In spite of everything, I truly relish being alive. My great struggle is not losing sight of this as I sail the sea of madness. As I sit here contemplating the nature of the universe as well as myself ‘The Red In The Sky Is Ours’ gently airs out the mental clutter replacing it with transcendent beauty and wonder. I know a few things about myself at this point. I know my creative spirit needs nurturing lest it starve and wither like so many once luminous flowers. Experience has a way of being a double edged sword. Wounding and perhaps crippling one into a living monstrosity as it imbues the greatest of wisdom. I’ve found the trick to avoiding the erosion of sanity lies in surrounding oneself with beauty and the maintenance of a deep reverence for whatever you consider your higher power be it Yahweh, Kali, Thor, Jesus, Nature, The Sun or whatever makes perfect sense within your personal logical framework. The world is truly a magnificent thing to behold. I don’t claim to know the answers but I speak to the Universal Space Unicorn or whatever in a way that suits me best, friendly yet in constant awe. 

Spiritually I’m not entirely sure where I stand. I lean strongly toward the Hermetic/Rosicrucian traditions. I do not, however formally belong to any orders. Reading the Kybalion absolutely changed my life as well as my perspective on matters from the microscopic to the astronomical. Being a Celtic/Teutonic lad in extraction I lean strongly toward an Pantheistic/Pagan perspective. But I still sort of consider myself a monotheist in the context that I think there is one divine consciousness with a kajillion-squillion facets and natures. All being inextricably linked to THE ALL. Somehow this gives me piece of mind.

Sometimes my thoughts turn toward my old fascination in the left hand path cut your flesh and worship satan type of stuff. Granted, Aleister Crowley did that stuff more artfully than most. I don’t think my repulsion toward black magic really has much to do with me being brought up christian. It’s more to me a simple matter of discipline. I’m certainly an occultist, ableit a strict right hand path type. My belief in spiritual karma is unshakable and I simply am not down with things like Goetia and whathaveyou.Plus I think the idea of calling myself a God is absurd.

Still, self mastery is something to be valued. This is a major cornerstone of Rosicrucian philosophy. I’ve determined repeatedly that I need to actually apply this stuff to my own life. I know maybe I’m a tad hard on myself but I’m not ready to settle for less than what I’m capable of. I know I’m not an idiot but this ^%$&ing world makes me feel so dumb. I’m not connected to a lot of things like television or movies and I’m pretty much lost in conversations like… like I’m frequently the only one who doesn’t get it. Whatever it is. Meh.

What I despise is that in spite of relative safety I have to maintain a certain level of secrecy about certain things in my life, lest the wrong people find out or it gets taken out of context. It’s the reason I have a shield with knotwork and an eye tattooed to my back. I almost never truly let my guard down. I am always ready for the coming of war. I can’t fully divulge what’s on my mind right now and it’s almost a relief. As Khalil Gibran tells us ‘Those who understand us enslave something in us’.