Adventures in Breathing and Being….

Hello, Reader Folks. Apologies for my absence as I have been struggling with balancing my personal life, injuries and general fatigue and malaise. Things are definitely on the upswing though. I’m feeling pretty awesome about my existence and the people in it be lately. So allow me to divulge what I’ve been busying myself with:

My big Sister came to town for a few days to help celebrate my Dear Mom’s 70th birthday! We went to the Beachcomber on Mandalay and had an absolutely superb dinner and celebration. It was my Mom’s first birthday with two daughters as well as my first real family function as Lily Jane. All in all I think it went really well and I’m pleased with everyone being so cool despite a few awkward moments. Those are going to happen and my family has been really great about accepting Me. Calling me a different name than what I grew up with is a little odd, I get it. Point is the effort is there and I appreciate them.

I’m recovering from some really terrible inflammation in my elbow so I’ve had the last week off work. Happy to be going back as I am a little stir crazy at present. Tennis elbow and tendonitis can be an icky combination but the Mobic has been very helpful and right now my pain is relatively low. The Rheumatoid Arthritis stuff is fairly well managed though I am really curious to see where my vectra DA mark is. Yay, more blood work! Anyhow, I’m a little banged up but my health is pretty good and I’m grateful. Kratom has been a real blessing and helped me manage pain more effectively as well as cut back on meds.

In other news, I’ve been in contact with a Gender Therapist about getting a letter of dx of gender dysphoria so I can begin HRT which I am really anxious to do. I’m going to s r about getting my main therapist schooled in WPATH or whatever so I can just have him write it. I’m anxious partially because I want to get married to Shannon and I don’t want to Marry him as Thomas. So I want to be legally Lily and on hormones before I tie the knot. I hope that answers some of your questions about when that’s going down. I really don’t know is the best I can do at present. But I’m optimistic that it’ll work out. Hormones are supposed to be really helpful with easing some of the body dysphoria stuff which I am all for.

My awesome friend Heather has given me a bunch of really cool dresses and been a really super supportive friend lately. My Mom has been really awesome too even if a little puzzled at times. I’m spending a lot of time just kinda letting go of some of my stylistic hangups and trying to be more comfortable in my own skin. I’m pretty confident about leaving and going out and about, though I carry pepper spray and watch my back. I’m also doing the unthinkable and cutting out beer for an undetermined amount of time. I’m just starting to care about my figure a little more and am not really feeling beer these days. So whatever I guess.

I’m doing quite a bit better since I built up a rather formidable Internet family in the last year. I have a great deal of people in my life whom I’ve never met in person but have been there for me in some of my darkest times. I do my best to be there for them as well as I can. I’m always fimly within reach of moral support from a plethora of interesting people and It means the absolute world to Me 🤗

It’s these various people online and irl (of course) who make me realize that I need to stop screwing around and get prolific with my writing and visual art. Because the people in my life inspire me so much that I can’t freaking contain myself and I want to SCREAM IT!!!!

So, Ummm…. yeah. That’s what’s going on with me lately. I feel beat up but refreshed and ready to go full throttle again! Also, I feel cute today 😎

Have a splendid day, Y’all. We’ll be back soon!

Love-

Lily Jane 💜

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Testing the waters

I guess you could say that’s what I’ve been up to. As my previous posts have indicated, I’m letting my guard down a bit and exploring the possibilities. I don’t own much in the way of makeup or clothing but I’m working on that. I’m not making any drastic changes. At least not yet. Just growing my hair out, being more open with people I know and trying not to let fear eat at me. I fully realize that being trans is dangerous. There’s a girl on instagram who I follow who got followed into a library bathroom when she was transitioning. Some person she had never met broke five bones in her face. I couldn’t help but sob when I saw the photos. I love my Boyfriend and Friends and I have a wonderful support system. But I’m still frightened of this world and all the mean spirited people in it.

One thing my Mom told me is that she didn’t want me to make myself a target. I personally think as a mentally ill and queer person it’s a bit late for that. I first figured out I was trans in my early twenties. It terrified me and I repressed the living hell out of it. I kept it buried until I simply couldn’t any more. Bottom line: I’d rather be who I am and be extra careful than continue to pretend I’m cis.

I changed my facebook name to Lily. Kind of an impulsive thing. Totally ties in with testing the waters though. Anyhow I can’t change it again for six weeks so we’ll see what happens I guess. I suppose I’m genuinely curious to see how people will treat me when they realize I’m not joking or doing it for attention.

A server I work with gave me a Book from his Gender Studies class. It’s called ‘My New Gender Workbook’ by Kate Bornstein. I’m really enjoying it so far. When I told my buddy I was thinking I’m trans he was like ‘This book is just for you, go ahead and write in it, it’s yours’. So that’s another cool thing that’s going on 🙂

Even if I’m doing it in small doses or increments, I AM transitioning. Probably best for it to happen slowly anyway. My hair gets a little longer, I adjust my fashion a bit, maybe try not to talk so deeply and the world keeps turning. As for the subject of hormones and/or surgery- I’m just not sure about surgery though I probably will do hormones at some point.

In case you were wondering why I’m being so public about this then allow me to clarify my reasoning:

People see and notice things as well as ask questions. I figure that if I’m open and honest about my life and the way I’m living it, I can at least control the narrative a bit and remove some awkward confusion from the equation. It makes sense to Me at least.

It’s scary though. It astonishes me how freaked out people act when I’m outdoors in my kilt. I mean, that’s a men’s garment for the love of Baphomet! How are they going to react as I start presenting more feminine? I don’t know. I’m worried about what this could mean for job prospects and a number of other things weigh heavily on my mind.

Whatever. Time to go back to the land of cartoons 😘

Ever yours-

Lily Jane 💜