Blossoming

Is what I sometimes feel like I’m doing. Little by little I’m becoming more open and comfortable expressing my inner self. I’m grateful that most everyone has been really awesome and supportive. Also cautious because I know that won’t always be the case. I mean, Just because I finally feel brave enough to go outside in girl mode doesn’t mean people don’t gawk or laugh at me. I just give them a smirk and go about my business. I’m thinking of getting some pepper spray though, since I can’t always carry a knife and this is eventually going to be a full time thing.

Yes, I’m saying that my ultimate goal is to transition as much as is reasonably possible. I haven’t talked about my body dysphoria a great deal with other people but it does cause me significant distress at times. I know that I’m reasonably attractive but I just don’t feel right being a Man. One reason is that I don’t really get facial hair at all. I get a tiny bit of dirt stubble abobe the upper lip and on the chin. And that’s IT. I realize that may not be a dealbreaker for most but it’s certainly contributed some to feeling like I should have been a Girl. I’ve always hated most things guys are supposed to be into and just never felt like I really pulled off the part that convincingly. I hate being all muscular even though I never work out. I don’t like the sound of my voice very much either. I’ve spent a great deal of time being uncomfortable in my own skin. I have mixed feelings about trans surgical procedures and while I’m not opposed to them for myself or others they are really expensive and will not be on the table in the near future as far as can tell. Hormones I would start in a heartbeat though. I’ve heard it helps a lot with the dysphoric stuff. Also I want to get some electrolysis and remove my facial hair for good. It looks awful and I’m sick of it.

I don’t want to freak anyone out here. I’m just spilling my guts on my personal blog to try to get a better handle on myself. I don’t really wish to go into the more personal aspects of dysphoria but trust me when I say it causes a lot of anxiety at times. Other times I can laugh about it. I mean, I’ve been picked on and marginalized quite a bit In my life. I realize people are going to say mean, hurtful things and possibly attack Me. I intend to rise above to the best of my ability.

I’m not really sure where I was going with that. But yes, I intend to go as deep as I am able to. Eventually. Baby steps for now and wishing my damn hair would grow faster. Anyhow, people can think what they want. I define myself 😘

Love-

Lily

Advertisements