On being myself

Seems such an odd thing on which to reflect. Something that should come as natural as breathing, am I right? It would seem so to most and generally is. There have been times when I have strayed unbelievably far from my essence or being and tortured myself trying to conform to other people’s desires. Tried to run from who I was. Tried to stuff all the maladies and nightmares back into the proverbial box and reclaim some purity I thought I corrupted and lost.

It’s part of the reason I’m kind of strange, blunt and have a dark sense of humor as well as embrace my various personality quirks. Yeah, I’m basically a big sissy nancy boy. I don’t give a shit. I like myself this way. Its a lot of fun. I spent most of my twenties in terrible hetero relationships that tore my soul to pieces. Trying to be something I wasn’t because I was afraid that my Dad or society at large or certain people I know would disown me. I feel like I wasted a lot of my early adult years being miserable and I’m kind of making up for lost time.

So you know what happened? I just stopped giving a shit what other people think. I came out as gay to my Dad and the world. It wasn’t that big a deal. It was a relief. I can’t describe how much lighter my heart was for it. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I realize that with how I sometimes dress I might be making myself a target and I don’t care. I decided one day that I’m not going to let the world make me afraid. If I conform to their will, the assholes win and I’m not letting that happen.

Sometimes I really enjoy dressing up as a woman. It took me a long time to get comfortable enough to admit this to other people. I don’t feel confused, I just like being pretty, damn it. I’m not trans either. I guess I could be considered a bit genderfluid in that I strongly own my feminine side and don’t always identify as particularly masculine even though I’m pretty average honestly. But being boyish as hell certainly helps paint the femme picture. I like being a guy, but sometimes I seriously want to reinvent myself as a drag queen. The stage actor in me just loves to pretend. Speaking of which, I’m most likely going to be a faerie in the show my Man is directing in the summer! So psyched.

So yes, I’m not a particularly conventional guy. I’m equal parts feral beast and total sissy. I don’t have a lisp and I love Death and Thrash and Black Metal. I say pretty much whatever insane things pop into my head and occasionally slip in a bit of repartee and amusement for my audience. A lot of people give me weird looks but I have reached a blissful state of being pleasantly detached when it comes to other people and their hangups.

I love my life. I love being Me. There’s noone else I’d rather be.

I think they call this being content. Fancy that.

Love,

Thom

PS: I’ll try to get some cool pictures at the DRI show tomorrow night πŸ˜€

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The adventures of Tommy Boy

It’s been a good, albeit an odd fall/holiday season thus far. As I laid out in my previous post, Halloween was a dream come true. My income hasn’t been great but my awesome Grandmother gave us a publix card so we had an amazing Thanksgiving dinner at home with my best friend Matt. Had a blast but more importantly lots of leftovers πŸ™‚

Rheumatologically I’m doing a bit better since switching up my meds. I’ve been on Xeljanz the last few weeks and it seems to be helping quite a bit so that’s awesome. Off the prednisone and back to sleeping relatively normally which I’m quite pleased with.

Mentally I’ve been a mixed bag but I’m holding. I’m a lot more relaxed now that I got a very helpful early Christmas present. Been a bit frantic and anxious lately but its mostly under control. Excited about seeing my big Sister soon too, she’ll be here a whole month πŸ™‚

I don’t really worry much these days about dressing or looking like a bit of a Nancy boy. I mean, I’m not doing anything ridiculously over the top. I’ve just let my guard down a bit. I’m not cartoonishly such but I am a guy who is deeply in touch with his feminine side and not afraid to express it occasionally. I realize that I might get jumped for looking like a homo but I don’t really give a fuck. I dress the way I do because it gives me joy. I don’t really care if other people don’t like or approve of it.

All I’m really doing is finally being comfortable enough with myself to not give a shit what people(especially other men) think or say about me. Yeah, I’m a bit crazy and a big fairyboy. I know who the hell I am and it only took me well into my thirties to figure it out and to be okay with myself.

I sometimes feel like an oddball in both the queer and Metal communities. I’m Death Metal as fuck but I’m the only Gay Death Metalhead I know except for a dude I follow on Instagram (I’m on there as rainbowbritethedestroyer) πŸ™‚

I don’t care if I fit in or if people approve. I’m the Death Metal Faerie Boi and I like myself this way, damn it.

Whatevers. It’s almost time for Christmas. All I want is more time with my darling and LOTS of wacky knee high socks. The more insane the better. That is all πŸ™‚

Happy Holidays!

Tommy

On the deepest Love

For much of my time on this earth my romantic life has been a disaster. Men and Women have gotten close to me over the years but something always went wrong. I spent a great deal of my twenties constantly sobbing and hurting while desperately trying to figure out what the hell I wanted. People would tell me that they loved me but I was ‘too intense’ or they cheated on me or had intimacy issues or whatever. 

The Women I was with always wanted me to be way more alpha than I was and I knew I wanted to be with Men but I was still in the closet with a lot of people and being with women was the ‘safe’ thing. But I was miserable. In the times when I did have a boyfriend they got all weird when we got close and my personality was a bit too odd for them.  I was pretty sure I’d never be happy with another human being. This went on until I was about thirty-two.

I was coming off a terrible relationship with a girl who was my best friend in high school. She leeched off me and sucked me dry for years hardly ever working and just drained the life from me. When I finally got away my friends were really supportive. Apparently they all loved me and couldn’t understand why I put up with it as long as I did.  So then I actually did something rational and just stayed single for a year. Turned out to be a good move.

I was still active in theatre at the time and got offered a Stage Managing gig in a show I was cast in. At the audition i saw Shannon, an actor I knew from when we did Arsenic and Old Lace a year before. Didn’t think much of it at the time but things were already changing for me. 

As we got deeper into rehearsal Shannon and I started getting to know one another and whatnot. We were being professional but I was… sensing little things that made me go hmm. Finally we began performances after a grueling rehearsal process. 

In this play we were in there’s a scene where my character beats up his character. I got a bit carried away one night and actually kinda broke the set with his body. As we got backstage I asked him if he was alright. He says ‘Yeah, I’ve been waiting for you to manhandle me like that.’. I’m like ‘Yeah?’ and we went back to doing the show. One night I gave him a ride home and we had our first kiss. Things really started blossoming at the cast party. Showmance is supposed to be deadly but it freaking worked for me πŸ™‚

After that show closed we had an intense whirlwind romance. So exciting and passionate, unlike anything I’ve ever experienced with anyone. Not butterflies as much as deep contentment at having made a soul connection. I knew right away that I wanted to show this person my vulnerable underbelly and let him in my heart. Thus I have. It was so awesome of my Mom letting me borrow her car on the weekends to be with him. My Mom adores Shannon and I think she sees that he’s so much better to me than anyone ever has been. 

I feel like being with him has gotten me realigned with the better aspects of my nature. The part of me that just wants to promulgate love and light and beauty all around. I do my damnedest to be there for him in all the ways he is for me. It’s like ‘Goddammit I fucking love you and I’m taking care of you when you’re old!’. 

I mean it. He nurtures me in all the right ways. Inspires me. Builds me up. Helps me believe in myself. Holds me when I’m sad. Dries my tears. Rubs my shoulders when I’m stiff. Runs his fingers through my hair when I rest my head on his chest. Makes me feel more valued than I thought possible. Stirs the joy within me. Fills me with something that I can barely comprehend. 

He and I have lived together for two years now. We have a nice little family, his Dog and Cat and my Kitty and I. Our work schedules make it difficult but we capitalize on the time we do get. He has graduated from boyfriend, to lover , to fiancee. 

A lot of people seem to look down on guys being more feminine or ‘sissy’ or whatever you want to call it. I mean, I’m reasonably masculine, I just don’t limit myself to it. I’ve never really been a regular guy in that sense. I’m sensitive AF and I like being more submissive and giving in a romantic sense. Figuring this out about myself has been truly one of the greatest joys of my life. Articulating myself romantically, sexually and emotionally has been well worth the rough journey. I know who I am and how I want to love and live and I’m fucking doing it. 

Something about this Man lights a fire under my ass and I refuse to let him go. If you come near him I will fuck you up πŸ˜‰

I realize a diatribe about how much I love my boyfriend may not make for the most interesting reading but oh well πŸ™‚ I just had some thoughts I wished to share with the interwebz.

It’s funny. I say the last show we did is when we hooked up, but I think it started way earlier, at least for me. In our first show, (Arsenic) he was the police lieutenant who chews me out. During that scene he poked me in the chest like an Irish Nun. I didn’t understand at the time what it was making me feel but it obviously stirred me deeply. Every poke freaking stunned me and nearly threw me off. I maintained but the rest is obviously history πŸ™‚

Anyhow-

Love and Light:

Thom (Shannon’s Bride)

Adventures in Lunacy

What else would you expect from me? Seriously, my Summer started off bland and miserable but things are steadily getting more interesting and less morose. As the day of my Man’s return flight creeps closer my heart gets a bit lighter and more pleasant. I’m still a bit weepy day to day but it’s getting better. What can I say? I’m more than a bit emotionally and sexually frustrated. That pent up horny will drive a bitch crazy, trust me. Anyhow, all my weak attempts at repartee aside I’ll throw out a few recent highlights:

Work is going pretty well. I’ve been doing my best with my Server training. Still got a ways to go but it’s going well. It’s a chance to make better money and less physical labor so I decided for the sake of my joints I HAD to give it a shot. My boss told me he would like to have me bus and barback two days and serve three. I think it’s a good development and I’m going to keep at it. 

My health issues are… my health issues as usual, nothing terribly earth shattering. I’m strained and I have been since my lover left town. I’ve frequently thought to myself that if the Bipolar stuff doesn’t get me the RA stuff probably will. That said the RA is currently responding well to the combination of weekly methotrexate pills and Enbrel injections. I’m actually going to do my injection after I finish this post. Perhaps I’ll turn it into a hilarious live stream. Think of it: FLORIDA MAN PUNCTURES SELF WITH BIOTECH πŸ˜‰ All joking aside I’m having some mild aches today but I think it’s because I’m due for both of the meds. Work is still going to mess with my joints as a Server  but not to the same degree as Barbacking. Mentally I’m hanging in there. My brain has kind of made peace with being out of sorts. I’m doing a lot better than I was the first six weeks. I still cry every day for at least a few minutes because I miss him terribly or I’m just stressed out at the time. Hard to stay on point with so many elements and variables. 

My Birthday is in a week. Going to the local Irish Pub with a group of friends. I hope against hope that I get a Iron Maiden T-shirt with tour dates but if not I’ll just have to freaking buy one πŸ™‚

I’ll be alright. Sometimes it feels like I’m playing with a stacked deck but I just keep trying to make the best of it all. I’m in a diminished state and have been for quite a while. But I only have fifteen more days to go until my heart returns. I can freaking do this. 

That’s all for now.

-Thom

Much awake, Very coffee, wow, Such Morning

It’s not quite seven AM in glorious Florida and I’m the first one up as usual. Got ‘Blood Moon Rise’ by Jex Thoth gently wailing from the speakers and a pot of cafe naviera. Good times. Jessica from Jex Thoth is an incredibly compelling singer and songwriter and her various works are among my favorite places to retreat to when I escape the trappings of my existence.  Highly recommend you check them out, along with the first Sabbath Assembly album. 

So, that aside I must declare that its been a pretty good week. I said screw the Superbowl and went and saw Rogue One in IMAX with Shannon and his Mom instead. I must admit, however that I am happy the Patriots won. The butthurt among Patriots haters is deliciously awesome. I’m not a football fan, just a snarky Jerk, really πŸ˜‰ Anyhow, Rogue One was the major highlight of the week, but read on- there’s more.

I had my appointment at the wound care center yesterday and… My Doctor said that I can go back to work !!! I’ve been going absolutely stir crazy with nothing to do so this is freaking great news. Plus I need money, you know? I’m just massively relieved that all this nonsense is finally almost behind me. I’m back on my methotrexate and Humira which appears to have headed off the icky flare I was certain was beginning. Off the prednisone and even my wrists have been relatively calm the last couple days.

So yeah, just a few more days to kill and I can start making money again. My French press beckons so I believe this is a good stopping point for this post. Hope you all have a lovely and fruitful day πŸ™‚

-Thom

Adventures in boredomΒ 

Or as you might guess,  not so much.  I’ve had more time than I know what to do with lately and I’m going more than a bit crazy with the insane balancing act known as la vie. This is not to say that I’m going four alarm batshit and making prophecies of a great plague or something like THAT.  Just on edge. The Gofundme helped a lot but the business with my foot is taking longer than I would like to heal. It’s made great progress,  it’s just not there yet and I’m frustrated significantly of late. 

The news is not all frustration. I did my blasted taxes today and am getting almost a thousand dollars back this year. That I can live with πŸ™‚ 

I’m still worried about a great many things but trying to be *gasp* more flexible at handling the various wild pitches life likes to throw into the mix. If I’ve learned anything from my Occult studies, it’s that a greater degree of self mastery is required to truly grow.

What else can I tell you?  I’m far along with the healing process that the Doctor said that I could go back on Humira and Methotrexate,  both of which I began again on Monday.  Little early to expect any relief,  but I seem to remember that at least the Humira is pretty fast acting so let’s hope. Happy to be off those ibuprofen horse pills which didn’t do jack for my joint pain and spiked my blood pressure. Trying to ease off prednisone,  today is my first day without it but I’ve been keeping the dose quite low. 

Not a whole lot else is really going on.  Shannon’s Mom is staying with us for a few weeks so that should be good fun. Been enjoying lots of bonding time with my animals as well as lots of musical exploration. Particularly with my vinyl. I’m planning to take my Mom up on her offer to teach me to crochet.  That’s about all for now.  

Be well-

Thom 

Floored

Truly I am.  The response to my Gofundme page has been amazing.  Since Saturday I’ve gotten three quarters of the way to my goal. It’s really incredible the way friends and family have stepped up to help me through this difficult time.  

I saw the Foot Surgeon Monday and she said I’m looking at about another month of recovery and healing.  I’m chomping at the bit to go back to work but it’ll have to wait a few more weeks while my foot heals up where the abcess was drained.

I’m really touched that so many people thought of me. Even with my insurance this still ended up costing me a pretty penny and I’m overjoyed that I don’t really need to agonize about much outside of getting better.

I’m still off my RA meds while I’m finishing up the antibiotics,  so all I can do about that is ibuprofen and the occasional prednisone.  Even the prednisone I’m being sparing with as it can inhibit healing. Thankfully I haven’t been flaring up too much lately.  That, and my darling Shannon has been so amazing and accommodating throughout this process.  I’ll be alright,  just gotta stay focused and be patient. 

To everyone who donated or shared the link, thank you so very much from the bottom of my heart. 

-Thom

PS: One more share for luck:

https://www.gofundme.com/help-thom-pay-his-hospital-bills?lang=en