Lily’s 37th Summer πŸŒ·

It’s not quite over yet but enough has transpired that I feel reasonably confident in doing a retrospective post here. I mean, let’s be honest, I live in Florida. Summer began a WHILE ago. Even after the season supposedly changes, I’ll still be here wiping the sweat as I walk my Dog until probably at least October or so. All that aside, it’s time to tell my story as long as the first estradiol of the day is pleasantly hitting my brain 😁

The two events that really marked the start of Summer for me were St. Pete Pride and seeing my Endocrinologist for a Six months follow up visit. The Doctor had some blood taken, gave me my gender dysphoria letter, and prescribed progesterone even though not a huge believer in it. He did decide to humor me and let me try it, though. So that was a very fruitful visit and I see him again in December. As I mentioned, St. Pete Pride was in June itself and a week or so after I saw my Endocrinologist. Around this time I had started working out every morning. I was planning to dress a bit scandalously and well, I wanted to look fit lol. Mind you I’d been on the Progesterone for a week or so now. Steadily losing belly fat and whatnot. It should be noted that I didn’t start on progesterone. We started with Provera(medroxyprogesterone)and for three days I was fucking BATSHIT climbing up the walls. Called the Endocrinologist and they switched it to the bioidentical Progesterone and I figured that was it because the new stuff made me far less nuts.

I’m not going into too much detail about St. Pete Pride in this post (though it was amazing and spectacular) because I’m planning to do a post specifically about that subject soon but a couple highlights included being quoted and described in the Tampa Bay Times Sunday paper article about Pride🌈, getting mad crazy compliments on our outfits, and meeting LOTS of cool people! 🀘

So all this was happening and it was really cool but…. I was starting to have massive trouble with anxiety and being spastic and jumpy. Thankfully my Rheumatoid Arthritis was relatively well controlled while all this stuff was happening. Dealing with that on top of the other stuff would have crushed me for sure. So I anxiously got through July and work being a basket case until… It was time for my Birthday Vacation…. To Ft. Lauderdale….. (Right after I saw my shrink and explained that I thought my meds were starting to crap out and ‘Could we add some Lithium pls?’ which he thankfully obliged.)

Off from Tampa to Fort Lauderdale we went To see IRON FUCKING MAIDEN ON MY 37TH BIRTHDAY (THANK YOU MUCH, METAL GODSπŸ’‹)!!! The Trip itself was mostly fun… But verrrrry nervous (which I’ll get to)

Here’s my Birthday set list:

Iron Maiden: Sunrise BB&T Center, Florida – July 18, 2019

1. Aces High
2. Where Eagles Dare
3. 2 Minutes To Midnight
4. The Clansman
5. The Trooper
6. Revelations
7. For The Greater Good Of God
8. The Wicker Man
9. Sign Of The Cross
10. Flight Of Icarus
11. Fear Of The Dark
12. The Number Of The Beast
13. Iron Maiden
14. The Evil That Men Do (Encore)
15. Hallowed Be They Name (Encore)
16. Run To The Hills (Encore)

It was AMAZING. For the first track they had a replica Spitfire hanging over the stage, for some songs they had the Eddie tinged Iconography, Eddie came out and fought Bruce during The Trooper, and in one song Bruce had FLAME THROWERS on his arms! I had seen this Band once before so I had some idea of what to expect but..

They must have been really well rested or just done a bunch of speed because they fucking ROARED for every song in this show. Faster than usual and absolutely stunning technically. Best goddamned Metal show AND Birthday of my life from my absolute FAVORITE Band. When the last encore finished and people began to get up and move about and leave…. Well… I had fucking tears of joy and all I could think was how much I loved my Man for making it all possible and how unbelievably joyful I was in that moment. I’m literally tearing up just replaying it in my head right now 😒

So the show was incredible. And we had a lot of fun in the surrounding area since we were there for three days. Everything was pretty smooth coming back but as soon as I started working again my bipolar issues started raging. I started easing off the exercise, thinking that was making me manic. My man and I got sick when we got back in Clearwater. His cleared up, mine became pneumonia and around this time I finally stopped taking progesterone altogether because I was certain that was what was making me crazy. I was trying to get used to it for forty days until I was finally like ‘NO MORE!’.

Over the next week or two I slowly started feeling sane again and gradually less moody and hair triggery. Then I’m talking to a Trans Friend on Instagram one day and She said ‘You’re supposed to cycle progesterone ten days on, twenty days off. That’s seriously negligent that neither the doctor nor the pharmacy told you!” (Thanks again, Sophie Marie! ❀) .

So yeah, I took four months worth of progesterone in forty days. I feel like an idiot of course. But it’s true, neither the doctor nor the pharmacist gave me instructions and the bottle said to take daily. Even with established trans care providers, stuff like this happens. But whatever, at least I didn’t get so loopy I had to get hospitalized

I’m back to working out almost every morning now, but I’m going a little easier. I’m almost done with my second cycle of progesterone (now that I have the proper fucking instructions) and I’ve got an absolutely amazing new Trans Girl friend I’ve been having a BLAST πŸ’₯ texting and bantering with latelyπŸ€—πŸ™πŸŒˆ. I wish I knew more people to do stuff with in Clearwater but I am indeed grateful beyond words for my online family. Facebook consistently pissed me off to the point of jumping ship but Instagram and WordPress were both far too dear to me to part with and still are.

I made a Battle Purse too, and am proceeding with my pink Battle Outfit project too🀘

In other news, my Man finally saw his Physician. It had been like a year. His Doctor is transitioning to male and He gave us the number of a local lawyer who does transition related legal stuff pro Bono so I’m waiting for a call back from her office about doing my name and gender change SOON! The cool part is, I’ve been looking for a new Trans friendly primary care Doctor because I’ve been just seeing specialists for the last year or so. So I’m going to see about getting an appointment with my Man’s doctor because he’s local and I think he takes my insurance 🀘

Grateful for having my RA under control. Trying to do a bit of work on the rest of MeπŸ’‹

Cheers!

-Lily Jane 🌷

Weird Energy

I can’t think of a more fitting title to my 2019 so far. This is not to say that it’s been an entirely awful time. In many aspects things are beyond excellent. But it’s balanced with things like health issues/chronic pain and strange interpersonal conflicts as well as the world at large collectively tripping from too much junk. Nowadays it’s never entirely clear who’s madness is seeping into where or whom.

As for myself, I’m holding but struggling. Blue Cross still hasn’t approved my Orencia and so I’m getting by with prednisone and NSAIDS. Doing my best and honestly the pain isn’t so bad because I have a medical card but… I want a more long term solution to my RA than freaking steroids!!! Prednisone is terrible stuff and really throws your body out of whack! I was hoping to start my infusions before I leave town this week and now… I don’t even know what the hell is happening *sigh*

Yeah, my Man and myself are going to Orlando to do Disney and Universal. We’re really excited and whatnot but we also both have to be careful not to overdo it during that five days. I just switched from Ritalin back to Adderall XR so I should be getting a few more hours of coverage so that’s certainly a plus with my fatigue being what it currently is. That’s the thing about RA, as well as the emotional aspect of the flaring and pain that REALLY grates on Me. The low dose steroid IS helping me but I’m also a basket case. I started getting hysterical two hours after I took the first dose of prednisone a few days ago. I have to accept trading a week of comparatively good mental health for relative relief*(with a price, of course). It almost always turns out to be a deal I wish I hadn’t made.

All this aside, I’m doing my absolute best to be a friend to myself. For so many years I just tore myself to shreds and just felt like I didn’t deserve to be happy. I still get down on myself sometimes but I snap out of it a lot quicker these days because I have a patient and supportive lover who knows how to talk to me and get me to lighten up or just see things from a different perspective. I mean, that, plus starting HRT before Christmas has taken an unbelievable amount of weight off my soul or essence or whatever your brain chooses to describe your being. I mean, I’m still awkward as hell and I get that a lot of people find me really strange but…. As I’ve slowly found my way through my transition I find myself with an unbelievable amount of love and support. Mostly, that is to say.

There’s still my relationship with my Dad which is….not great at this point but…. I know what he thinks of people like me and I don’t give a damn. My relationship with him has never been particularly strong and and I don’t see it improving. He doesn’t approve of how I live and frankly the feeling is mutual and it hurts but…… Whatever. Can’t please everyone.

But it’s alright. I don’t plan to 🀘

Deadnaming doesn’t happen a lot these days, at least socially and at work. Seems to hit me a lot harder when it does. That and vocal dysphoria are what’s really eating at me lately. I really need to get the name change done by my birthday. I need to find a less physically intense job soon and I’m really sick of giving the ‘explaining the duality of my current existence’ speech to potential employers. I know I need to do it but lately from the steroids all I wanna do is freaking cry and my composure has really been taking a hit.

Electrolysis is also high on the list. Perhaps a tracheal shave as well. This ‘in the middle’ stage is proving to be quite the strange trip. It’s good, though. I’m increasingly figuring out who my real friends are 🌷

I got things I need to do (LIKE FIND VOICE LESSONS!!!) now but I’ll have lots of photos and fun Disney stuff soon. Shannon got me some ice packs that wrap around the wrists and I’m gonna make the freaking best of it and enjoy my vacation!!! This dress will hopefully look a lot better after another year or so of estradiol πŸ˜‚

As ever-

L🌷