Is the best I can do right now. My man is four thousand miles away and I miss him terribly. I’m keeping busy with work, theatre and pet-sitting. Still though, the time is crawling for me. I share a bed with him regularly enough that it kind of bugs me to sleep alone. Didn’t take long really. As I said I’m a hopelessly terminal romantic. I’m hanging in there but it’s still eating at me somewhat.
We’re talking regularly and texting, to be sure. It’s just hard when you want to feel someone’s touch and you just can’t. My stagehand gig is starting to heat up and naturally I’m happy about that. It gives me something else to think about.
There’s something about this Man. Something eccentric and wonderfully exciting. He sets my every molecule ablaze with feral delight. He’s so much sweeter and kinder than any of my other boyfriends were. I never knew another man could make me feel this amazing and alive.
I’ve often thought of myself as bisexual but homoemotional. I always wanted this level of romance with a boyfriend but could never find it. I’ve cared for and deeply loved my girlfriends but… I couldn’t ever seem to be what they needed.
Le sigh. Eight more days until the return of my Man. I’ll do my best to not go berserk.
I can be a little more open here….
And because here I can speak freely. My Boyfriend is going to Alaska for two weeks. I’m driving him to the airport on Independence Day. I’m going to miss him terribly but we’ll celebrate my Thirty-third birthday the following day when he gets home. At least I have my stagehand gig to keep me busy while he’s away.
It’s been a heavy thought subject for me as of late. I don’t generally think of it a whole lot day to day. Still, there times in can think back to and feel… afraid a bit. Times when I was scared to hold my boyfriend’s hand in public, or just being damned well aware of the fact that I was in a hostile environment. I have a tattoo on
my back of a Celtic shield. With an eye in the middle. For reals. I believe it to be a subconscious projection of some sort of insane paranoia or some such nonsense. Always watching my back, even among those dear. Sometimes especially so.
Perhaps I should elaborate a bit. Much of my family is Christian. Specifically Lutheran and Catholic. Most are fairly chill and easygoing. However, some including my dad are pretty intensely anti-gay. As a bisexual, I confess that I have let myself fly below the radar by virtue of the presence of various women in my life. I just can’t stand the thought of my I family casting me out. I don’t want to cause drama or anything, I just keep fairly private about my life. I tried to conform to Christian dogma once. It made me feel fallen and icky. I try to be unobtrusive about how I live my life. Still, sometimes people never stop prodding with questions. It makes me kind of sad because I feel like I should just not care by now.
It gives me hope that Gay Marriage made it today. It’s really simple for me. Love is Love, no matter where you find it. That’s why I’m Queer. Because I can’t live with a life of conforming to social pressures. Because I know myself well enough to know when I’m in love. Because it’s what comes naturally.
I try to not be scared. Most people never ask, and the supportive ones far outnumber the twits. It really is a new day here. Sexuality to me is not a static and /or fixed thing. I don’t stop thinking about one or the other if I’m with one. But by the same token if I’m with someone they tend to become my whole world. I’m not the sort to always be looking for something better.
Still, I’m scared of ever approaching the subject with my father. I briefly described this to my boyfriend and inadvertently burst into tears. He was so wonderful about it. Issues aside I’m very happy with my life right now. That’s what life is, really. Problems never disappear, the joy just overshadows them. Or something.
Things have been super chill lately. I’m living relatively stress free, which is kind of unusual for me. The last few weeks I’ve been in a pretty nice groove with work. I’ve taken some of the sting out of my work week and have been very happy on the boyfriend front. We went to a Mexican place Saturday night that a lot of our theatre people go to and naturally we encountered like ten of them. So it’s fairly certain that the whole theatre knows now. Not that I care, I just find it very funny is all.
I’m still steady at three milligrams of Risperdal. I was close to losing it at the end of my last show but I dropped my activity level quickly enough to calm myself the fuck down. I’ve determined that one show at a time is a good rule to adhere to. The Adderall is at 15mg of XR. Seems to be a good fit for me. I’m trying to be more organizational when I’m working and not rely so much on doing things a certain way. Exploring shortcuts and being more adaptable as I go. I do believe I’ve gotten better in this regard.
So otherwise I’m doing well enough I suppose. Got the bicycle fixed up and am trying to be a bit more active with it. I suddenly care a little about muh figure. Fancy that, eh?
Really though, I adore this Man. Such a sense of humor he has. That’s a deal breaker for me. He treats me really well and makes me laugh. When I speak, he doesn’t look at me like I’m a freaking lunatic. We’re very different people with many common interests. I find it highly entertaining. We’re both kind of geeky and awkward and it just works really nicely.
I’m hoping to get us to either go to the beach or for a decent hike. I’m starved for outdoor activities lately and hiking is my favorite thing in the world outside of death metal. I like going to the huge parks and going like ten or twelve miles. Maybe take a lunch with us. Look at birds and trees and shit. Sounds like a blast, yo.
I’m debating on when to go back to theatre. I did sorely need a break recently. I can’t overload myself like that again. Still, I’m not sure how long a break we’re talking here. There are a lot of shows coming up that I’m interested in. It would be cool if my boyfriend got cast in ‘Tale of The Allergist’s Wife’ because I’m already kind of planning to stage crew that one.
I don’t know. We’ll see I guess.
It was lovely. Time kind of got away from us so we tabled the movie idea and just went to dinner. Had some great food, a few beers and some awesome conversation. I must confess a realization that is slowly overtaking me:
I am falling hard for this Man. He’s so witty/charming/intelligent/warm that I absolutely melt in his presence. I can’t honestly say I’ve ever been this into someone, male or female. I’ve been doing my best to not act like a tipsy schoolgirl around him but one can only do so much. I mean, I’m glowing here.
Now comes the fun part. Trying to keep a level head. Steady as she goes, Thom.