I have a few, if not a great many. I want to explore the planet and stand in the sun with a will and be dangerous. The Khalil Gibran interpolation aside, I want to challenge myself. I know I’m not an idiot, but I am kind of an underachiever in many ways.

I try to cut myself some slack. This is a delicate balance in itself. I mean, I’m not incarcerated or held against my will in a hospital having my brain completely twisted with drugs, so that’s a plus I suppose. Honestly, things are better now than I thought they would ever get. For several years I was slowly recovering from my second nervous breakdown. Both came close to totally ruining my life.

I was on a crazy check for almost five years. The fact that I’m supporting myself and in a stable and loving relationship is still somewhat astonishing to me. I’m not out of the woods, but I made it through several years of total fucking darkness and despair.

It’s amazing to be with a guy who builds me up and inspires me like he does. He makes me laugh like no one ever has or ever will again. Or something. I’m being obnoxious and glowing so expect a few bottles of pure nauseating sap from the chief harbinger.

But on to the point (which I do have):

What is the next step?

Marriage for one. A trip to Alaska this fall is officially signed in blood and sealed. But then? My man is trying to get into law school and I’m not sure where that will lead us geographically. I need to develop some kind of lucrative skill here so I can live reasonably well, but what?

I have to accept the fact that I have certain limitations. I mean, I do fairly well for being a bipolar kid on extended release Ritalin with arthritis and tendonitis. However, I’m getting older and I fully understand that I’m not an indestructible machine. My first brush with sciatica was like tasting my own mortality for the first time. It certainly brought me down a peg being barely able to walk.

I think a lot about what I might be good at. I’m neurotic and detail oriented so I’ve always thought something technical and analytical would be for the best. But I have to start thinking a bit harder about this stuff. Life is happening and all.

I also think I’m approaching the point where I’d like my spiritual pursuits to go beyond the realm of solitary practice. Maybe one of the Thelemic societies or a Gardnerian Coven (I do not believe that the two are exclusive of one another). I think it is time to turn will into action.

May it be so for you as well.



Random Thoughts

In spite of everything, I truly relish being alive. My great struggle is not losing sight of this as I sail the sea of madness. As I sit here contemplating the nature of the universe as well as myself ‘The Red In The Sky Is Ours’ gently airs out the mental clutter replacing it with transcendent beauty and wonder. I know a few things about myself at this point. I know my creative spirit needs nurturing lest it starve and wither like so many once luminous flowers. Experience has a way of being a double edged sword. Wounding and perhaps crippling one into a living monstrosity as it imbues the greatest of wisdom. I’ve found the trick to avoiding the erosion of sanity lies in surrounding oneself with beauty and the maintenance of a deep reverence for whatever you consider your higher power be it Yahweh, Kali, Thor, Jesus, Nature, The Sun or whatever makes perfect sense within your personal logical framework. The world is truly a magnificent thing to behold. I don’t claim to know the answers but I speak to the Universal Space Unicorn or whatever in a way that suits me best, friendly yet in constant awe. 

Spiritually I’m not entirely sure where I stand. I lean strongly toward the Hermetic/Rosicrucian traditions. I do not, however formally belong to any orders. Reading the Kybalion absolutely changed my life as well as my perspective on matters from the microscopic to the astronomical. Being a Celtic/Teutonic lad in extraction I lean strongly toward an Pantheistic/Pagan perspective. But I still sort of consider myself a monotheist in the context that I think there is one divine consciousness with a kajillion-squillion facets and natures. All being inextricably linked to THE ALL. Somehow this gives me piece of mind.

Sometimes my thoughts turn toward my old fascination in the left hand path cut your flesh and worship satan type of stuff. Granted, Aleister Crowley did that stuff more artfully than most. I don’t think my repulsion toward black magic really has much to do with me being brought up christian. It’s more to me a simple matter of discipline. I’m certainly an occultist, ableit a strict right hand path type. My belief in spiritual karma is unshakable and I simply am not down with things like Goetia and whathaveyou.Plus I think the idea of calling myself a God is absurd.

Still, self mastery is something to be valued. This is a major cornerstone of Rosicrucian philosophy. I’ve determined repeatedly that I need to actually apply this stuff to my own life. I know maybe I’m a tad hard on myself but I’m not ready to settle for less than what I’m capable of. I know I’m not an idiot but this ^%$&ing world makes me feel so dumb. I’m not connected to a lot of things like television or movies and I’m pretty much lost in conversations like… like I’m frequently the only one who doesn’t get it. Whatever it is. Meh.

What I despise is that in spite of relative safety I have to maintain a certain level of secrecy about certain things in my life, lest the wrong people find out or it gets taken out of context. It’s the reason I have a shield with knotwork and an eye tattooed to my back. I almost never truly let my guard down. I am always ready for the coming of war. I can’t fully divulge what’s on my mind right now and it’s almost a relief. As Khalil Gibran tells us ‘Those who understand us enslave something in us’.