On loving again…

As much as I ever bitch about life’s trials, I am grateful beyond words for the Man I love. I certainly have moments when I feel like I can’t handle life anymore. That said, I’ve never been with anyone male or female that has been so incredibly supportive and kind.

A girl I know from doing theatre said to me once ‘I don’t want much. I just want a nice boy who listens to punk and tells me I’m pretty.’. I couldn’t help but smirk as I replied ‘Works for me.’. I don’t consider myself a particularly egotistical or high maintenance kind of boyfriend most of the time. Still though, it tickles my heart to no end that he takes the time to tell me I look dashing or whatever. The sweet little things he does lift my spirits like nothing else in this world.

Maybe it’s just because so many so called girlfriends or boyfriends treated me like I didn’t exist in the past. I feel like I finally have an equal partner who treats me with respect and affection.

I guess it really helps that he has a mental health background. People in the past tried to relate but tended to look at me like I was a total lunatic.  He respects the fact that I manage my conditions to the best of my ability and I feel like I can tell him anything. I know it sounds cliché but I can just be myself around him and I’m grateful for it.

One night he invited me over for dinner. I was really excited about it. I wore a nice shirt and tie with my grey fedora and slacks and whatnot. As I knocked on the door I briefly thought ‘Am I way overdressed for this?’. This brief flash of anxiety was quelled as he answered the door in a similar outfit at which point we smiled and passionately embraced.

When he went to Alaska for a few weeks it was the first time I’d ever taken a lover to the airport. I cried a little as I left the airport. I guess you could say that He’s really under my skin.

We share a fascination with cuisine, theatre and the occult. We’re pretty different people but have many similarities in spite of having pretty different styles.

He makes my every molecule feel alive, as if my blood cells are dancing and twisting with feral delight. All clever attempts at prose aside, I am head over heels in fucking love!  I have never been this comfortable with another person or so lightheartedly at ease. I think I’ll keep him 😉

I’ve had so many partners and so few serious lovers. This man is seriously the genuine article.

That’s about all I have for now 🙂

Advertisements

On Being Queer

It’s not like I’m entertaining the idea that I’m an expert. Some would say that I’m not qualified to refer to myself as such because I don’t identify as gay. I’ve literally had people tell me my thoughts on the subject don’t matter because I have heterosexual privilege as they call it. Apparently I can just hide out whenever I want because I can just ‘go stealth’ when things get real. Bah. I don’t think these folks understand that my reactions can be be hard to control. I can still get hurt just like anyone else.

I guess my history is a bit odd because I was more into men at first. Then a female friend seduced me and I was like ‘That was splendid!!!’. I’ve pretty well back and forthed it most of my life. Sometimes I think most folks are way too hung up on labels and titles.

I mean, I have a boyfriend who I absolutely adore. I’m a  bisexual male in a homosexual relationship. I don’t identify as strictly hetero or homosexuality because I’ve had rewarding relationships with both. Although sometimes people just don’t get it and I say ‘It’s easier if you just call me queer and leave it at that.’. Not to be a jerk or anything, I just grow weary of having to explain myself.

Some people don’t distinguish between homosexuality and bisexual men. Rather they view both as damaged. This seems to be where the Catholic and Orthodox churches stand and is part of why I have fallen away from Christianity. It’s not the only reason though. Part of it is just that the deeper I tried to conform to Orthodoxy the more I realized it just wasn’t me. I greatly appreciate and value the ancient Hermetic teachings as well as the Rosicrucian tradition and Gnosticism. All of which are denounced as heresy. Meh. Whatever. At least my boyfriend gets the joy of bagging a literal choir boy.

Anyhow, I think a lot less about my romantic attractions than people I know that are puzzled by bisexuality. I just explain it this way: Whether I’m with a man or a woman, they are my top priority and my sanctuary. It doesn’t matter what they are, what attracts me is WHO they are.

Some people seem to think as a bisexual I’m either:
A swinger.

OR:
Unfaithful.

Neither of those are true of me. I am a terminal romantic. My Cocteau Twins album is nicely complementing this thought stream. I’m forced to confess that I’m desperately in love with my Man. He’s so freaking amusing and witty and ARRGH IS IT TOMORROW NIGHT YET??????

But I’ve just been musing on these thoughts lately as it seems that the whole world is hung up on Identity right now. I think what you do and what sort of karma you spread is far more crucial. Yanno?

Well…

Things are alright. I’m working hard as usual. I work at a burrito joint as a prep cook in the mornings. Not exactly my life’s ambition, but considering I was unemployed for years, it’s a start I suppose. It’s actually not so bad. It’s the same company I started working for part time when I was still on disability. After two years I switched locations and went full time, effectively terminating my SSDI. As I sit here absorbing King Diamond’s ‘Fatal Portrait’ album I realize that I’m actually something of a survivor. The first two years I worked 15-20 hours a week and could barely handle that. Worse still, I absolutely despised the job.

Allow me to explain a bit further. Sorry, I spaced for a moment as Andy Laroque and Michael Denner’s delicious riffing seriously distracted me. A friend of mine who worked there basically gift-wrapped the job for me. I just had to apply. I was still nervous as hell because by then I had been largely unemployed for the past three years. I started as a prep guy, but there was more to it than just that. I was also a dishwasher and a front of the house employee (bussing tables, cooking whatever the hot line needed more of on the grill (open assembly line type of situation). I was running around like a rat on meth trying to keep up. Some days I simply got buried and left three or four hours late. I couldn’t leave until the responsibilities of the day were complete, no matter how ridiculous.

I was losing my bloody mind. I was also zonked out on Lithium the whole time. It was icky beyond words. I was horribly bent out of shape most of the time. Then something cool occurred. I was cast in a production of ‘Guys and Dolls’ around the time my relationship with my girlfriend of four years was crumbling. This was a clear case of theatre saving my life and sanity. I had so much fun with this show that nothing could touch me. I split with her and moved home to start over. Happens to the best of us I guess.

So I kept working at burritoland. But a guy I worked with told me about the other location he worked at with a different franchise owner and slightly different way of operating. I was intrigued. I went in, got hired as the same job (or so I thought).After a few weeks I told the other store very politely that I was done and went full-time at the other, closer to home store. Right around this time I switched from Lithium to risperdal. Both this and the new job were huge improvements. It was so much better it blew my mind.  I could just be a cook and not do three jobs at once. I don’t mind having to do dishes but all that plus front of the house was too freaking much. I’ve worked there six months now and am fully off of social security benefits and it’s going just fine. Sometimes the grass IS greener on the other side.

So what else is up with me? I’m psyched to be going out with muh Man to see a movie Wednesday night. I have a bit of nerves for an unrelated reason though. My Dad left me a voicemail the other night that made me a bit uneasy. He said something like ‘I have a few things to talk to you about.’. My Dad has kind of a highly serious air even when he’s totally relaxed so I could be misinterpreting. But I remember what I did on Facebook that day. My hairdresser/theatre friend got married to his boyfriend that day and I congratulated them on Facebook. I think my Dad may have been perturbed by this.

My Father’s side of the family are conservative Catholics. Wonderful people but highly intense. As a bisexual man, I’ve always worn a cloak of heterosexuality around them, save for one Aunt who happens to be my Godmother. We don’t talk about it much, but she’s aware and is totally cool.

I’m not out on Facebook. Most of my friends know this about me but I’m not an ‘Advertise it with a neon sign’ sort of guy. I just try to be myself insofar as I can. Too many family members and not well known people are on there and I’m really intimidated by the prospect of how the men in my family would react.  Social networks carry with them some immense social pressures. I’m really not in the closet with most people. With my family it’s different I suppose. I’ve always known it would come up eventually. Still, I’ve played keep away for so many years.

Damnit. I never thought I’d accept this sort of cowardice from myself. I’m so desperate to not upset them that I’m upsetting the hell out of myself. Incidentally, what I’ve described is part of the reason bisexuals are despised by the gay community. They call it hiding behind heterosexual privilege or something. They think when the chips are down we put on the mask and play it safe behind a mask of ‘socially acceptable’. It isn’t like that, though I have asked myself these kinds of questions.

I don’t know. Maybe they would shrug it off. Or they might call me a sodomite and tell me some shit like ‘turn or burn’.I don’t know what to expect. I’m pretty sure they would not get it. It’s a generational thing I guess. My Dad is a good man. When I was a kid I got caught in an Atlantic riptide. My Dad went after me and pulled me to shore. I at least doubly owe him my life. He’s a very cultured man with incredible taste in music and literature. A man of relentless integrity. A man who’s flaws I can easily see past. I don’t know. Maybe someday I’ll summon the testicular fortitude. Just not today *sigh*.

I know sooner or later the cat is going to escape the bag. I mean, if the show Dexter taught us anything it’s this:

NOTHING STAYS BURIED FOREVER.

In the meantime I’m just delighted to find someone I can be myself with. Honestly, this is some of the most intense romance I’ve ever experienced. He’s strong yet delicate, witty yet absurd and just so very sultry in his geeky way.  I don’t really know why I let the family crap bother me. It’s me I have to live with, yanno?

On that note, have a pleasant evening.

-Thom

On the subject of romantic attractions…

It has always been something of a puzzlement to me, human sexual and romantic chemistry. I guess I kind of bewilder some people in this sense at times myself. Not deliberately, mind. I mean, it makes pretty good sense to me. I ebb and flow at times, but by and large I’m an even split bisexual. I’ve had meaningful and passionate relationships with both men and women. I remember years ago I saw a great quote. It read “It’s not that I mind being queer, I just wish people weren’t so put off by it.”. That pretty well sums it up for me.

I don’t entertain some ludicrous notion that everyone is some moral fascist trying to force me into repentance or some such hogwash. By and large most people are pretty cool. But I’ve had plenty of people tell me “It’s time to choose a side” or something equally insipid that implies they know me better than I do. Bah.

When I was a teenager I was pretty damn sure I was gay. My first experiences were with other guys.  Then a girl I knew seduced me and I really liked it. I’ve found myself confounded at times but I’ve learned to just enjoy the journey. I’ve had three serious girlfriends and three serious boyfriends so, um… yeah. Pretty sure that screams *insert generic term for bisexual here*. Honestly, I don’t think about it nearly as much as some people do. If I’m with someone then that relationship is what’s important, not conforming to some fundamentalist interpretation of what it means to be not straight.

I also despise the notion that all non-straight folks are die-hard democrats. I happen to be a member of the Libertarian Party of Florida and think both the elephants AND the donkeys are full of the most succulent kind of bullshit. I believe in individual responsibility and am a staunch anti-federalist.  However, I don’t really want this to be a political blog. I’m just asserting Randall’s (from Clerks) point: Title does not dictate behavior.

There’s something a bit different with the new Boyfriend though….

He’s so much sweeter than the other two were. He’s a gentle soul and very nurturing. Some of the men I’ve been with have not been that secure in themselves and seemed terrified of actual intimacy. The guy I’m seeing now is thoroughly affectionate and not afraid to express it. It’s WONDERFUL!!!!

Sometimes people in my family irritate me a little but I don’t think they are actually trying to be jerks or anything. They are just a bit old-school or something. One thing that bugs me is if my boyfriend gets referred to as my ‘friend’. I know it’s probably not trolling but let’s call a spade a spade, damnit. We’re adults here. Yeesh.

Being bi, at least in the open sense can be troubling. Neither camp really seems to trust you. My new boyfriend is very accepting of it, but a lot of gay guys I’ve met can be downright mean about it. And straight people tend to be a mixed bag too. Still, I know who I am, damnit. That in itself is worth infinitely more than any passing frustration.

Aside from being told my sexuality is correlated to my bipolar disorder and that I’m just hypersexual. That still hurts. I’ve only had six serious long term partners and I’m thirty-two. Fuck it. Can’t please everyone.

Until we meet again-

Thom

Muh mental state….

I’ve been better now that I’ve been just going to work for the last ten days and been in a lower gear. I see the Psychiatrist tomorrow.  I was a mess when my last show closed. I made it through but I was so exhausted I was getting spacey and clumsy. Sleep wasn’t refreshing me and I kind of felt like I was trapped in a dream. Long story short, I bit off more than I could chew trying to do two shows at once. That plus my day job was just too much. I bailed on the second show because I knew I was deteriorating and had to slow down immediately. It was a hard decision to make and I still feel bad about it but I maintain that it had to be done. I was sure I would start going severely loopy if I tried to continue. I’ve had enough experience with psychosis to know when I’m on thin ice. Still, it was lousy timing and I feel bad about it. My director expressed his disappointment but said ‘Your health comes first’. My therapist said I made the right call.

On a bright note the President of the theatre (who I’m sure heard I bailed) came up to me the last day of ‘A Flea in Her Ear’ and told me I did a great job and that he hopes I keep doing shows there. That really touched me.

My show-mance kind of kept me hanging on. We weren’t obvious about it or anything. We knew we were both there to work. Still, the spark he and I had lightened my heart quite a bit and made things more bearable. Without going into too many details, this run took a lot out of me. It was really intense Stage Managing a show I was in. Still, I’m going to be a one show at a time kind of guy from here on out. There was so much stuff I wanted to do that I couldn’t because my attention was split.

But yeah, I’ve got to be more careful. The potential for disaster was there.

Live and Learn. I keep telling my bipolar self:

I AM NOT INDESTRUCTIBLE.

I do, however have a high pain threshold and activity potential. I have to remain conscious of how much I can harm myself in this way. I’m no good to anyone if I’m a broken down batshit mess. I want to keep doing theatre for many years, not burn out in my youth.

Noted. Assimilated. Moving on.

-Thom

Also, some shameless self promotion:

IMG_20150428_214033

The purpose….

At the risk of sounding like a tumblrista or something equally absurd, I needed a place I could sort of control access to. A corner where I could be mostly alone and/or limited to interacting with myself and my elite group of shock troops who actually mostly understand me. Facebook has lots of family and people I don’t know particularly well. Both are potential sources of conversational black holes and significant aggravation.

I don’t mean to sound like I’m ripping on my family. I love them dearly. But I can only answer the same questions so many times before it becomes apparent I’m not being listened to. Oh so many examples.

I don’t mean for this blog to be some sort of idiotic hugbox, really. I just want somewhere where I can spill my guts or heaven forbid share the things that make me happy.  I just want a place where I can mostly let my guard down without a barrage of asinine/idiotic interrogations.

If you’re reading this, consider yourself part of my inner circle.

Anyhow, Life goes relatively well. I had to drop from a show I was going to be in because bipolar issues began surfacing and I had to get myself the fuck under control. I’m happy I successfully completed the first show and made a relatively graceful exit before I seriously lost my shit mentally.

In spite of stressful times, something wonderful happened. I met a guy. A really lovely and wonderful guy. I had to keep things low key for a time as we were in a show together, but now that’s over with and we’ve been enjoying one another. He’s really sweet and has kind of a quiet intensity going on.

That’s all. I have a boyfriend who I really like. I’m not into starting drama with my clueless family so I generally keep this stuff to myself even when it wants to burst forth from my noise-hole.

I suppose I should just be totally outspoken about everything but it just isn’t how I was brought up. I love my family, I know they aren’t bad people, just old-school I guess. So I just live my life and try to not let it bother me. It just gets frustrating sometimes. My mom and I have had ‘the talk’ about my romantic attractions like a kajillion squillion times. I’ve told her, ‘I’m not confused, just bisexual’ more times than I can remember. Yet every time I’m with a girl it’s “Are you straight now?” and if it’s a guy it’s “so you’re gay now?”. Ye Gods. Bless her heart, she tries.

Bah, whatevs. I’m still in a pretty awesome mood in spite of all this. This guy absolutely melts my consciousness. He’s gentle yet strong, playful but serious, and as romantic as all get out. I feel like I can really be myself around him and I JUST WANT TO SCREAM IT FROM THE TOP OF A MOUNTAIN!!!!

However, it IS early. Best keep a level head. This journal should help.

More as it develops.

-Thom