On leaving Facebook

I’ve gotten a decent amount of fun out of social media/internet crap over the last several years. Recently I’ve been losing taste for Facebook in particular and this post is intended to explain the why part.

For many years this has in many ways been a positive experience. I’ve made many friendships that have translated into real world ones. It’s connected me to so many people who are into the same things as me.

Lately though, it just seems to be a nonstop pissing contest. I spend too much time in frustrating debates that never have any clear direction and it’s caused me to get into a great deal of strife with family and friends. All frustration aside, my real issue with Facebook is their well defined penchant for censorship. Particularly of LGBT/Queer content. All while turning a blind eye to a STAGGERINGLY high amount of actual fascist content.

Here is the photo and text of the post that got my current ban(and might here on WordPress as well, not sure):

‘I’m a lot more comfortable with myself and my body these days and though I plan on doing something about it surgically…. I don’t really give a damn if people can see my bulge anymore. I wear pretty much whatever the hell I want these days and don’t feel like I need to prove my femininity to anyone. It used to make me feel so unbelievably frantic and anxious if it was showing in any way and i generally dressed fairly conservatively when I wasn’t in Thrasher Girl mode but now I just…. don’t really let it bother me. Having too much fun being free to stop πŸ’‹ The HRT goes well and I’m looking into changing my name legally(hope to do this in the next month or two) as well as getting letters from my endocrinologist about legal gender change as well as for surgery. Starting to get some breast development and hoping to add progesterone to the cocktail soon. Even at only five months(I miscalculated when I said almost six) I feel like the results are amazing and probably the best thing I’ve EVER done for my mental health. I don’t care if my bluge is showing. Mine is and always has been a Female body. My name is Lily Jane and I am not ashamed of my body.🌷#bodypositive #bulge #transgirlsofinstagram #lilyjane #icanseeyourjunk #girlslikeus #transitioning #hrt #boobies #lgbtq #estradiol #progesterone #hormonetherapy #flowergirl #metalhead #transgirl #transwoman #transvengers #wontbeerased #selfie #transgender #female #transrightsarehumanrights #transwomenarewomen #queer #slavegirl #package #middlefinger #thisiswhattranslookslike #transisbeautiful ‘

Frankly, I don’t see why this got me banned, but my friends have some ideas:

Fallon said ‘I saw it!! I hearted it instantly!! I really don’t understand how that was any kinda violation. But ya know if you don’t fall into the beauty standards of others you’re being offensive!! Bet of you had double D breast and was tucked in a fucking thong there wouldn’t be a problem cuz the idiots can fap to it without “being gay”

My cousin’s Fiancee Erica said ‘Gods forbid a woman celebrates her body Or take any power over how her form is portrayed by the media 😠’

Before I talked to them I thought I might have been overreacting.

I still seriously don’t see the problem with what I posted.

I’m not going to waste my time expecting Facebook to be more ethical (they won’t lol), I’m just counting this as the final insult and moving on.’

I like WordPress a lot and am hoping I don’t encounter the same simple minded puritanical bullshit here.

Anyhow, to those of y’all on Facebook who would like to keep up, my email is theallisinall@gmail.com and my Instagram is morbid_flower_girl

Facebook is simply more trouble than it’s worth anymore but I thank you all for what fun I was able to have there πŸ’‹

This was how I defended said post, and I stand by it.

I stand with my community. Fuck the Far Right and their enablers at FacebookπŸ’‹

Love-

Lily Jane 🌷

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Update

Right after my last post I did some legwork on the phone and figured out that Orencia has finally been approved!!! I should be able to start a few days after I get home from my vacation 🀘

Now I just need to try to keep the Presnisone from making me freak out for another week. Time to go to Disney World!

Many photos to come🀘

Love!

-L

Weird Energy

I can’t think of a more fitting title to my 2019 so far. This is not to say that it’s been an entirely awful time. In many aspects things are beyond excellent. But it’s balanced with things like health issues/chronic pain and strange interpersonal conflicts as well as the world at large collectively tripping from too much junk. Nowadays it’s never entirely clear who’s madness is seeping into where or whom.

As for myself, I’m holding but struggling. Blue Cross still hasn’t approved my Orencia and so I’m getting by with prednisone and NSAIDS. Doing my best and honestly the pain isn’t so bad because I have a medical card but… I want a more long term solution to my RA than freaking steroids!!! Prednisone is terrible stuff and really throws your body out of whack! I was hoping to start my infusions before I leave town this week and now… I don’t even know what the hell is happening *sigh*

Yeah, my Man and myself are going to Orlando to do Disney and Universal. We’re really excited and whatnot but we also both have to be careful not to overdo it during that five days. I just switched from Ritalin back to Adderall XR so I should be getting a few more hours of coverage so that’s certainly a plus with my fatigue being what it currently is. That’s the thing about RA, as well as the emotional aspect of the flaring and pain that REALLY grates on Me. The low dose steroid IS helping me but I’m also a basket case. I started getting hysterical two hours after I took the first dose of prednisone a few days ago. I have to accept trading a week of comparatively good mental health for relative relief*(with a price, of course). It almost always turns out to be a deal I wish I hadn’t made.

All this aside, I’m doing my absolute best to be a friend to myself. For so many years I just tore myself to shreds and just felt like I didn’t deserve to be happy. I still get down on myself sometimes but I snap out of it a lot quicker these days because I have a patient and supportive lover who knows how to talk to me and get me to lighten up or just see things from a different perspective. I mean, that, plus starting HRT before Christmas has taken an unbelievable amount of weight off my soul or essence or whatever your brain chooses to describe your being. I mean, I’m still awkward as hell and I get that a lot of people find me really strange but…. As I’ve slowly found my way through my transition I find myself with an unbelievable amount of love and support. Mostly, that is to say.

There’s still my relationship with my Dad which is….not great at this point but…. I know what he thinks of people like me and I don’t give a damn. My relationship with him has never been particularly strong and and I don’t see it improving. He doesn’t approve of how I live and frankly the feeling is mutual and it hurts but…… Whatever. Can’t please everyone.

But it’s alright. I don’t plan to 🀘

Deadnaming doesn’t happen a lot these days, at least socially and at work. Seems to hit me a lot harder when it does. That and vocal dysphoria are what’s really eating at me lately. I really need to get the name change done by my birthday. I need to find a less physically intense job soon and I’m really sick of giving the ‘explaining the duality of my current existence’ speech to potential employers. I know I need to do it but lately from the steroids all I wanna do is freaking cry and my composure has really been taking a hit.

Electrolysis is also high on the list. Perhaps a tracheal shave as well. This ‘in the middle’ stage is proving to be quite the strange trip. It’s good, though. I’m increasingly figuring out who my real friends are 🌷

I got things I need to do (LIKE FIND VOICE LESSONS!!!) now but I’ll have lots of photos and fun Disney stuff soon. Shannon got me some ice packs that wrap around the wrists and I’m gonna make the freaking best of it and enjoy my vacation!!! This dress will hopefully look a lot better after another year or so of estradiol πŸ˜‚

As ever-

L🌷

Lily Jane’s First time going to PRIDE part one: Pictures πŸŒˆ

Hey y’all! Here’s my favorite photos from Tampa Pride this past Saturday in Ybor! I’ll be doing a detailed account post a little later today but…. Here’s the favorite shots of the Day! My Friends Amanda and Kristopher and I had so much fun!!!! πŸŒˆπŸ€˜πŸŒ·πŸ¦„β€

More adventures in chronic illness and absurdity

Hey y’all. This post finds me in a pretty rough state. That said I figured a blog post would probably be good for me as well as spare my friends a bit of my shitposting histrionics. So where does one begin? Well, most likely from being in a weakened state from my immunosuppression drugs… One of, but not the only scary sides of treating autoimmune disease. I am currently dealing with super happy fun time in the form of pneumonia. I am off work for the week and sitting around the house alternating between Theraflu and cannabis oil and various forms of tea. The first two days were mostly drinking soup and writhing in misery. As you might imagine, neither my bipolar disorder or my rheumatoid arthritis are on break for any of this. I had already quit my Kevzara injections. The last shot was due a bit over two weeks ago and I was already flaring like hell after the previous dose so I decided another shot was pointless. It’s actually really fortunate. If I did that last injection I’m certain the pneumonia I found out about a few days ago would have been way more intense.

As it stands, I thought I had a cold but when it got worse I walked to a clinic by my house and they confirmed what I was pretty sure of. I’m on a Z pack and albuterol. Also using mucinex and a few other things like cough drops and ginger turmeric tea to help with inflammation. The shit thing right now is that I’m on nothing for RA because I’m fighting an infection. My Rheumatologist wants to start me on Orencia IV infusions but obviously I have to get well first. So all I have right now is cannabis tincture, but I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR IT ❀

Infusions are a bit frightening to Me. It’s kinda the next level of treatment and… It tells me even without the blood work to verify(which I’ll explain in a moment) that my disease process is advancing. I’m what they refer to as Seronegative. Meaning my Rheumatoid Factor and C-reactive Protein generally look normal(these are the usual markers doctors go by for diagnosis, but NOT ALWAYS). In spite of that my symptoms are observable to the eye and I HAVE had one blood test that actually revealed something. The only one that really ever has- the Vectra DA(disease activity) panel. It measures about a dozen markers and gives you a numerical score which is worse as the number rises. The first year I was diagnosed my score was a relatively low 13. The next year it more than doubled to a 27. still not quite high, but concerning. After that I have no idea, and the reason is that I haven’t had this test in a long time. Because apparently with patients on Kevzara(sarilumab) like me, the results become completely distorted so we couldn’t use it. I’m off it now but I don’t know how long it’ll be until I can Vectra again. I’ll have to ask the Dr. next visit.

Anyhow, the major issue right now is my lungs being all gacked up. I’m steadily noticing the pressure in my head and chest easing off but I’m by no means clear yet. I’m just happy to have my appetite back as I’ve already lost nearly twenty pounds. My Man has been absolutely amazing lately and has been taking the BEST care of Me. I’ve been an emotional wreck lately because my burning fear of my RA becoming disabling seems a lot more plausible these days. Also, it’s the kind of thing where is the disease doesn’t kill me the treatment still could. I sob to myself sometimes when people tell me they think I’m brave or inspiring or whatever. It’s not that I don’t appreciate it or them, really. I just have a really hard time seeing it in myself. Sure, I’m a fighter. I’m not disputing that. But I am far from brave. What I am most of the time is absolutely terrified and freaked out. Sometimes I feel like all my confidence and determination is but a theatrical ruse to please my ego. I’m sorry if this isn’t what anyone wants to hear but….. I’m not giving up. I’m just being real about how afraid I am.

Things are in many ways looking up, in spite of the current happenings. I’ll be doing my legal name change hopefully by my birthday. Also, Iron Maiden comes to Florida on said date. How perfect is that? I have an amazing support network of family and friends. I finally have a medical cannabis card and don’t have to be treated like a criminal anymore. Things could certainly be worse, methinks. It’s just been a series of heavy weeks and I am unbelievably worn out. On a bright note: I finally told off a long time ‘friend’ who had been trying to convince me to stop taking all my meds. Good riddance!

But I’m doing my best to stay positive. I’m doing my best to be there for the ones I love. Most of all I’m doing my best to be gracious for all the love and support I have from my IRL as well as my online families 🌷

And in my head I hear the burned out voice of Layne Staley weakly breathe the words…..

‘Something’s gotta turn out right’

Take care, Y’all🀘

-Lily Jane 🌷

Year One, Complete!

CW: Surgical Stuff

This post is a couple days late but…. I made it through my first Year since I came out as a Trans Woman! It’s been a hell of an interesting journey and I figured a bit of reflection was in order as well as ruminating a bit on what the second year of transition will entail.

So the big deal initially was coming out a year ago on this blog(which I knew family would read) and Facebook and Instagram where I had been hinting as much for a good while. This became common knowledge where I work and fortunately I had and still have an extremely supportive work environment. This has been a huge factor in building my confidence to move forward with my transition to female. That’s not to say there haven’t been some exceptions but finding the confidence to be out at work and be secure enough to express my identity has spilled over nicely into the rest of my life and dealing with friends, associates, and family members. My friends were the least surprised of anyone when I came out and have been awesome across the board. My family has been really amazing. There have been some very awkward and tense moments but there’s also been some pretty superb comedy and for the most part everyone has been really cool. My Dad was less than thrilled when I came out to him in the form of a letter. Things are pretty tense and I’m doing my best. Coming out to him was a more recent hurdle I had to clear. It was in December, under the advice of my Gender Therapist. It was right around the time I started Hormone Therapy, representing one of the first really major steps I’ve taken in my transition. Also, my big Sister doubled down on her support by asking me to be one of her Bridesmaids so major love to her!

That was a bit of a time jump there, but this post is going to be a bit disjointed so bear with me please. Most of the first year I just slowly accumulated clothing and makeup and went to see my two therapists. The process of transitioning seems to vary greatly by state but I saw a gender therapist for a few sessions and he referred me to the Endocrinologist who prescribes my HRT.

Having a supportive partner has been immeasurably valuable to me and I love Shannon beyond words. When I first began to find myself he made damn sure I knew he would love me no matter what and he has been true to his word. I fully realize how fortunate I am for having him in my life.

So I’m creeping up on three months on HRT. So far I think it’s working pretty well. I’ve already seen a decent amount of softening in my general features and quite a bit of breast development as well. So as you can imagine, I’ve been pretty sore. Totally worth it 😎

I stepped down as the Administrator of the Transgender Metal Group I founded on Facebook. I really like the group, I just wasn’t comfortable with the role I put myself in with where I’m at with my mental issues and my transition and felt that my Moderator and Metal Sister Larissa Glasser was the logical choice of who to hand it over to. I have immense respect for her as a Woman and a Metalhead and am really excited about reading her book ‘F4’ which just arrived in the mail.

So as for future goals…. The legal name change as well as the gender marker are the next things in my crosshairs. I want to do surgery too, eventually. But not getting constantly deadnamed is currently a HIGH priority for me.

As for surgery, I’ve looked into the options and with my health issues I don’t think I could handle a full Vaginoplasty. The aftercare is really intense for one but… Since I have issues with healing and fighting infections I’m pretty sure I’d be happy with a Vulvoplasty without needing to construct a vaginal canal. As long as I looked anatomically accurate externally I really see no reason to put myself through all that dilation and aftercare. It’s mostly that I don’t think bowel complications and the like are worth constructing a vaginal canal I don’t feel I need that could cause a lot of problems with my health issues and the meds I take. Plus recovery time with a Vulvoplasty is usually much quicker.

So, not that anyone asked… But yeah. I want Gender Confirmation Surgery eventually. Hopefully in the next year or two. But the legal name change is currently my top priority.

I’m doing my best and I’m grateful for everyone who’s been looking out for me. In my personal, working and online life I have a small army of people who go to great lengths to build me the Hell up and help me believe in myself.

Thanks so much πŸ’‹ It’s been an absolutely amazing year, and I can’t wait to see what the future holds🌷

Love-

Lily Jane πŸ’œ

Ms. Lily Jane’s Most Amazing Journey

I just quietly realized as I was sitting on my couch thinking about what to say that…..

I have been transitioning for nearly a full year since I came out in February of 2018. It’s been both immensely satisfying and highly challenging. Today is day 52 on hormone therapy and I’m already seeing a decent amount of softening in the face as well as breast development. In the last year I’ve made some really cool new friends, started a discussion group on Facebook for Transgender Metalheads, and been fairly diligent about keeping up with my usual therapist as well as my gender therapist. Generally speaking it’s been a great last year but not without a few complications and whatnot. I have a great supportive family and group of local friends. My dear online family between facebook and Instagram is pretty extensive and I have a lot of people I chat/text with fairly on the regular. These people are AMAZING. That said… I have become somewhat more isolated in the last year.

Some of this was inevitable. A lot of my friends have kids now or live farther away. We all have work schedules that get in the way too. I have a lot of people who check up on me (or whom I try to look out for as well as I can) but I still find so very much of my life to be a solo mission.

Don’t get me wrong, my darling is amazing. But it has been a rough last several weeks for me with my work life drying up and him being so busy with theatre. Both He and my Job have always done so much to fill that social void. I’ve determined that I need to get myself reinvolved at least with my backstage life. I don’t know when I’ll be comfortable enough to be a performer again but I hope someday that I will because theatre did so much in the past to build my confidence and I really miss all my playhouse people.

I just hope I can be on point and reliable. I’ve got a bit of social anxiety issues I’m grappling with lately and being a Transgender Bipolar Lady with ADHD and Rheumatoid Arthritis… Well…. I feel like I rarely get a break. I’m losing physical strength from the hormones(plus my Boobs hurt like HELL) and I’m trying to find something new to break into for work.

At the very least…. I need to get out more. I didn’t start transitioning so I could become a damned hermit!

So time to get the hell back into the arts. I NEED IT.

Hope you all have a splendid Sunday!

-Lily Jane 🌷