Early evening scribblings

I’m closing a day that has been equal parts simplicity and joy. I made decent money today, I was in a great mood and things went well in general. I was unsure of what time I was to start today so I got there early. Early enough to enjoy a lovely breakfast sandwich Shannon brought home with him. After devouring said sammich it was time to start.

I won’t bore you with the intricacies of my work day. I will however give whoever may be reading the rundown of late:

Working a lot, but haven’t made a ton of money lately. Got stuck with the wussy section and while it’s been a remarkably chill few weeks, I finally got bored and decided to say something. From here on out I’ll be largely the downstairs guy. My few weeks upstairs was fun but I barely made any scratch doing it.

What else? The RA is currently being handled fairly well by the meds (Methotrexate and Humira with occasional Prednisone). Although I did have a bit of a mishap this week with my Humira shot. Seems that I hit a wee blood vessel and gave myself an ugly bruise. It’s fine, just happens every so often I guess. I’m seeing my Rheumatologist Friday and am happy it’s going well aside from being late on getting my labs done. Soon.

Mentally I’m alright. Missed a Psych appointment and ran out of refills but got on the phone and got it all sorted out. I’m actually pretty happy right now. I’ve cut way back on my Wellbutrin which is good because it was kind of revving up my heart a bit. I see that doctor next Tuesday. 

Aside from that, I don’t really have a lot to report. I’m trying to make time for friends but it’s hard with everyone on different schedules. Still, I firmly believe that if it’s important you make the time. I do my best to, though it doesn’t always pan out. 

In the meantime I’m relaxing with a Kona Lager and ‘The Circle and the Blue Door’ by Purson. Magnificent album. Full of Psychedelic Pizzazz. 

Oh, and I won a shirt in an eBay auction. Aleister Crowley with the words Beast Mode. I LOLD.

Enjoy yourself, whoever you may be.

-Thom

Spring is in the air

Yup, Florida’s ever so brief flirting with cool temperatures is nearly behind us giving way to spring. This will be my second spring break working on Clearwater Beach and I am EXCITED this year. I plan to make some money. The fact that my employer just gave me a killer raise plays into this aspiration well. 

Health wise I’m doing pretty well. My foot is all healed up and my RA meds seem to be doing the job. I’m not having intense pain when I do flare and it’s certainly less frequent with my taking the Methotrexate and Humira. I don’t use steroids much these days and I rarely use my heavy duty ibuprofen.

Anyhow, things are pretty good right now. Work goes well, I’ve managed to catch up with a couple friends recently and I’m just trying to enjoy the time I do get to myself. Playing into that, my listening agenda lately has consisted of The Devil’s Blood, Beherit, Funeral Mist. Samael, Jex Thoth, Jess and the Ancient Ones, Fallen Christ and Sadistic Intent. I’ve also been occasionally working in some moody stuff like a bit of The Golden Palominos and how could I forget that lovely band called Purson? Magnificent band, sultry, trippy and deeply insightful. Just the way I like my Psychedelica.

I don’t do nearly as much reading these days as I would like and this is something that I’m trying to improve my record on. I’m ADHD as all get out. I live to read if it interests me but I have a hard time staying on task and my attention wanders horribly. Currently I’m reading a book about Goddess worship throughout human history as well as the occasional Crowley book. Even if all I read is a chapter now and then I try to keep going.

As ever, with all things. This spring break should be a bit better. A lot of the construction on the beach is donezo. I know what’s wrong with my joints unlike last spring break. The meds seem to be working well and I’m feeling alright about it. As long as I can manage the fatigue I’ll be alright. I just finished eight days straight the day before yesterday. Can’t wait to get that check. 

In the meantime, based on a few suggestions from friends I’m going to give CBD oil a try for my arthritis pain. It got some rave reviews from people I know that had some pretty serious pain to manage. I’m pretty sure Florida will give me a medical marijuana card but God knows how long that’ll take. CBD is already legal in this state and I think it’s worth a shot.

So yes, today finds me facing the near future with optimism and hope. I just have to be careful and listen to my body. I can only do what I can do. 

That goes for you as well. 

93

-Thom

Precarious Existence

There’s something to be said for humans and their ability to withstand a constant barrage of soul crushing bullshit. Some folks are like well trained dogs, or perhaps horses. So stubbornly proud of how much they can endure the feeling of the cruel bit in their quivering mouths. I try to not be such a person when possible. 

Granted, I’ve calmed down quite a bit since I was a rage junkie teenager /young adult. But I still have a really hard time with impulse and mood control. Sometimes my brain feels like a car with the gas pedal and the brake being slammed at the same time. The laws of physical science dictate that one or both will eventually give out. That said, I’m a lot better than I used to be. I have SOME degree of control over my emotions and moods. There was a long time where I had zero.and it was not pretty. 

I realize that I have a responsibility to keep my head together and stay out of hospitals or legal trouble. I’m getting better about articulating the things that are ripping through my mind day to day. I don’t go manic. Risperdal prevents that pretty well. But in the last year or two depression and anxiety have been much bigger problems for me than they have been in the past.

I take Wellbutrin for this purpose and it helps. I’ve come to accept the fact that I’m going to have to deal with some breakthrough craziness in the name of not being completely dead inside from being zonked the fuck out on psych drugs. 

I get upset a lot, almost completely at random. I’ve gotten better at identifying my bad states and taking my vistaril (antihistamine used to treat anxiety and panic) when I start freaking out. Still, it’s been rough the last month or so. Being temporarily unemployed didn’t help my mental state any.  On a positive note, its been great to be back at my job. I missed my people ๐Ÿ™‚

I don’t know, sometimes it feels like all it takes is a single word or a random breeze to put me in a state of profound sadness. I don’t know if anyone realizes the herculean effort it takes for me to maintain the veneer of relative composure. Some days I just go to pieces regardless. It all depends on a plethora of factors and variables.

I don’t get to see my friends much lately and it’s really been eating at me. Spending entirely too much time in my own head. I don’t have a car and our schedules never line up anymore. I just worry that they think I don’t care. It’s not that at all. I just feel like I’m spread out too thin trying to do too much. 

Still, I’m grateful for the life I have, batshit as I may be. I have a job. I have relative freedom and a Lover who makes all the bullshit worth it. Its so easy to lose sight of the things that really matter. Mental illness has a way of giving one a bit of the old tunnel vision.

This has been one of my less focused posts on this blog. But whatever. I’m thinking this is a decent enough place to wrap it up with a quick run down.

I’m happy to be working again.

I love my Fiancee and my Dog and two Cats.

I’m doing my best.

May it be enough….

-Thom

Much awake, Very coffee, wow, Such Morning

It’s not quite seven AM in glorious Florida and I’m the first one up as usual. Got ‘Blood Moon Rise’ by Jex Thoth gently wailing from the speakers and a pot of cafe naviera. Good times. Jessica from Jex Thoth is an incredibly compelling singer and songwriter and her various works are among my favorite places to retreat to when I escape the trappings of my existence.  Highly recommend you check them out, along with the first Sabbath Assembly album. 

So, that aside I must declare that its been a pretty good week. I said screw the Superbowl and went and saw Rogue One in IMAX with Shannon and his Mom instead. I must admit, however that I am happy the Patriots won. The butthurt among Patriots haters is deliciously awesome. I’m not a football fan, just a snarky Jerk, really ๐Ÿ˜‰ Anyhow, Rogue One was the major highlight of the week, but read on- there’s more.

I had my appointment at the wound care center yesterday and… My Doctor said that I can go back to work !!! I’ve been going absolutely stir crazy with nothing to do so this is freaking great news. Plus I need money, you know? I’m just massively relieved that all this nonsense is finally almost behind me. I’m back on my methotrexate and Humira which appears to have headed off the icky flare I was certain was beginning. Off the prednisone and even my wrists have been relatively calm the last couple days.

So yeah, just a few more days to kill and I can start making money again. My French press beckons so I believe this is a good stopping point for this post. Hope you all have a lovely and fruitful day ๐Ÿ™‚

-Thom

Adventures in boredomย 

Or as you might guess,  not so much.  I’ve had more time than I know what to do with lately and I’m going more than a bit crazy with the insane balancing act known as la vie. This is not to say that I’m going four alarm batshit and making prophecies of a great plague or something like THAT.  Just on edge. The Gofundme helped a lot but the business with my foot is taking longer than I would like to heal. It’s made great progress,  it’s just not there yet and I’m frustrated significantly of late. 

The news is not all frustration. I did my blasted taxes today and am getting almost a thousand dollars back this year. That I can live with ๐Ÿ™‚ 

I’m still worried about a great many things but trying to be *gasp* more flexible at handling the various wild pitches life likes to throw into the mix. If I’ve learned anything from my Occult studies, it’s that a greater degree of self mastery is required to truly grow.

What else can I tell you?  I’m far along with the healing process that the Doctor said that I could go back on Humira and Methotrexate,  both of which I began again on Monday.  Little early to expect any relief,  but I seem to remember that at least the Humira is pretty fast acting so let’s hope. Happy to be off those ibuprofen horse pills which didn’t do jack for my joint pain and spiked my blood pressure. Trying to ease off prednisone,  today is my first day without it but I’ve been keeping the dose quite low. 

Not a whole lot else is really going on.  Shannon’s Mom is staying with us for a few weeks so that should be good fun. Been enjoying lots of bonding time with my animals as well as lots of musical exploration. Particularly with my vinyl. I’m planning to take my Mom up on her offer to teach me to crochet.  That’s about all for now.  

Be well-

Thom 

Son of the Return of Rheumatologically Speakingย 

The ol’ Humiradventure has been kind of on the back burner for the last month due to more pressing health issues.  That goes for Trexin as well.  I had to abruptly quit all my RA drugs while I was on antibiotics fighting that icky strep infection in my foot.  I’m glad that I haven’t really flared up a lot but would like to get the hell back on Humira and Methotrexate before my next punishing flare up. I’ve used the prednisone a few times as well as the prescription strength ibuprofen my Rheumatologist gave me to hold me while I was off the other stuff. Hasn’t been that bad, but it always comes out of nowhere so I feel like I’ve sufficiently tested the waters.

Mostly I’ve been okay, but my wrists continue to be my main problem joints as far as pain and swelling.  Sometimes it overlaps with tendonitis which is no fun at all.  A big part of why I’ve been okay is probably because I haven’t been working and getting wiped out every day.  I’m sure that’s on the way ๐Ÿ˜‰

The Doctor who’s taking care of my foot said I should be able to get back on my meds in one more week. I just hope they still work.

I’m still highly concerned about my insurance and the future thereof. All I can do is sit and wait like everyone else.  I talked to my Internist about my worries regarding this when I saw him yesterday. He said that most of my meds are relatively cheap and there are patient assistance programs available from the drug companies for those that are not.  He said I may have to do less appointments for a while but the jist of what he told me is to not panic and do not just give up on my meds.  Insurance or not, I really like all my current Doctors and would like to keep seeing them. 

I just got everything finally straightened out with treating my various physical and mental health problems after several frantic years. I’m not losing it without a fight. 

May your team win-

Thom 

Levelling out

I’m relieved to say that I’m all good on my bills. Or at least in a far better position.  I fell a bit short of my goal but it was well worth doing. The whole point was to soften the blow from hospital bills and being unemployed for a month, which it did (a profuse thanks to all the amazing people in my life ). I’m healing up quite well too. I saw the Doctor yesterday and she says that if things keep up the way they’ve been doing I should be able to start working again in two weeks.  

It’s been a rough few weeks but as the title implies things are almost back to normal.  I’m almost done with antibiotics and my pain level is virtually nonexistent at this point. 

My dominant mentality is one of gratitude lately. I’m so grateful for everyone’s help which enabled me to focus on getting better without so much of the worrying I’m frequently prone to. 

That’d be it for now. I’m damn fortunate and well aware of it ๐Ÿ™‚

Game on!

-Thom