Muh frustration

It’s 4:23 in the morning and I’ve been up for two hours. I fell asleep around 8 like I usually do(even remembered to take some melatonin first) and woke up because I had to pee. That’s usually the thing that ends up curtailing an otherwise promising night of sleep.

I laid back down for a while and tossed about, clutching my Unicorn and thinking about my Boyfriend. Our bed is messed up so I sleep in it alone on the decent side. He sleeps on the couch and I, well…I kind of lose my mind at night. I didn’t get into a commited relationship so I could sleep with just my stuffed animals!!!*sigh* I sip some more of my tea, take a breath and begin to explore the possibility of bonghits. Don’t get me wrong, our relationship is immensely joyful and full of love. We just have a pretty shit sleeping arrangement right now.

Morning time is hard for me. The part where I have breakfast, take my various meds and start charging towards my daily bullshit is alright but the EARLY morning (usually 3-630 or so) is my isolation chamber time essentially as the rest of the house and world(most of the folks around here anyway)My Kitty passed right before last Christmas and I think the most about her in my night and morning because she used to sleep in the bed with me. I often find myself feeling especially woeful early on and then all i have to do is glance at her urn on the shelf and the tears just start flowing. That hasn’t happened today but the rest of the house is snoozing and I’m wide fucking awake wishing it was already time to do stuff because I am going a LITTLE stir crazy here lolol😹 I think part of it is my body screaming for that first hit of estradiol. Which will only make me more frisky 🀣

On the one hand I appreciate the solitude and the quiet immensely when I need it, it’s just that I wake up in high gear and it’s simply not a good fit the first few hours! I have a few friends I can text at weird hours but I really try to avoid doing so but….

I’m just so fucking starved for some interaction. But right now the pipe will have to do. That and maybe bothering the Cat a bit. At least now it’s late enough to take my HRT and start equalizing 🀘

HRT Day 300 minus one πŸŒ·

Hey Y’all! Hope you’re having as Gloriously appropriate a Hump Day as this Girl. I should probably put a content warning of some sort on this post as I plan on talking about some intimate stuff regarding my HRT and my sex life as well as more personal stuff like genital dysphoria as well as surgical aspirations. If you are the squeamish type you might be best advised to read something else. That said, well….

Hi folks! It’s ya Girl Lily Jane!πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ I’m at about a year and eight months of social transition and coming up on 300 days of medical transition in the form of Hormone Replacement Therapy, specifically Estradiol tabs, progesterone, and spironolactone. I’m in the process of getting my name changed from Thomas to Lily but I’m kind of stuck until I round up all my addresses since BIRTH. I know most of them but have no idea where I lived as an infant and whatnot so I need to ask my Mom about this before I can finish the forms for the lawyer and get petitions rolling. Aside from that I’m really getting eager as hell to get at the least an orchiectomy soon so I can stop taking this Spironolactone stuff. It has me in a pretty intense state of brain fog most of the time, though it does seem to be easing off now that the heat is receding a bit.

So aside from the bodily effects of the Estradiol(breast development is currently at a BπŸ™‚,softer skin, far less body hair,softening of facial features) the emotional side of things has been really quite remarkable. I’m definitely a lot more sensual than I used to be for one and a far more passionate and involved lover than I’ve been in the past(at least according to my Man) and my bipolar disorder is far less intense than in most of my life leading up to transition. I find myself better at leveling mmyself out when the brain chemicals are pumping though much of this could also be attributed to being in a stable and healthy relationship for several years. I’m able to see how a lot of my life leading up to this was pretty much exactly what people mean when they say Testosterone poisoning .Suffice it to say, It really was making me hopelessly insane trying to conform to a Male framework.

HRT has mostly been really good for me mentally. I’m finding that Bipolar issues can still be quite challenging because in the past I’ve always been fairly adept at spotting my mood swings and cycles but now its sometimes a bit less clear if I’m being manic or depressive or….just a hormonal bitch. I don’t get sucked into awful moods that seem to last forever like in days past but it seems like it takes far less to make me upset these days. I’m a reasonably strong person I suppose, but like for example: One day I literally started hysterically crying at work because a Lady at the bar said that I was mean to her. Yeah. Just the implication totally shattered my composure. But also, I feel like I get what my Mom has to say about a lot of things more clearly these days. If nothing else, Estradiol is slowly crafting me into a more intuitive being and a better and more compassionate listener. I’m not really sure what’s up with my Dad and I but in the case of my Mom my blossoming process is bringing us a lot closer as Family.

On another note, sex is…..kind of annoying lately. But this is really an oversimplification. I still have a sex life that’s often quite fun, it’s just that I’m pretty much hormonally sterile and things simply don’t work the way they used to. I’ve had one solitary orgasm since the HRT really kicked in and began beating down my nads. But that one orgasm about two or three months ago was the single most devastating climax of my LIFE. I’m STILL feeling waves of aftershocks from THAT one. That’s one of the fun things about feminization through HRT. It literally allows you to experience female orgasms. Sounds pretty cool, eh? Problem is your old equipment is not rendered useless per se, it’s just that things are really screwy. It should be noted that regardless of what you do with your genitals, you always have a prostate (if you’re MTF like moi). I guess I need a book or a proper toy more like or to look up some massage techniques because I have not been successful getting off in this manner, though the effort is a LOT of fun 🀘

So yeah, I really wish I could come(ESPECIALLY now that I know what I’m missing!)and sometimes the HRT feels like a cruel joke because estrogen makes me UNBELIEVABLY horny most of the time. Literally, if you glance quick enough you might see me grinding my booty and making love to the air. Estradiol has truly inflamed my senses!But even if i can’t pop i still have a HELL of a lot of fun pleasing my Man and getting my booty drilled. I mean, it’s almost like there’s a sort of ascetic flavor to my sexploits these days, like a sort of tantric bliss. I’m glad I can at least still mostly scratch the intense psychological itch. I’m told this stuff takes patience and imagination 🀘

I plan to ask my Endocrinologist about an Orchie soon as I said, and the rest of surgical stuff i hope to do depends on how long it takes to get letters and referrals and stuff. In all honesty genital dysphoria has gotten a lot more intense as I’ve gotten deeper into transition. The spiro related shrinkage does make it a little less agonizing though. My Man has been really patient with me when we’re intimate. I mean, I don’t really use my dick much for sex or solitary fun at all any more. Even if using it feels nice it just totally fucks up the contents of my head too much so I’m just very much enjoying being a total bottom/Sub(as I’ve been gravitating towards for my whole life) and focusing on touch and sensation lately as well as more psychological factors when we’re intimate.

So there it is. More than you ever wanted to know about Lily Jane 🌷

Also, HAPPY FALL AND YAY FOR BATTLE JACKET WEATHER 🀘(photo from yesterday when I began this post)

Have a lovely Thursday, Y’all. Time for this Flower Girl to go to workπŸ’‹

-Lily Jane 🌷

Adventures in Flowering Part Two

Howdy, y’all 😸Today is a day off for me and I’m feeling kinda reflective and sort of trippy and surreal all at once. This is not at all to say that I’m feeling bad, just in a deeply contemplative headspace. I’ve been out as a Transgender Woman officially since 2-19-2018. Ten months later after seeing my Gender therapist a few times I began feminizing hormone therapy. It’s already done quite a bit at not even nine months yet but more crucial than any physical change it’s given me (don’t get me wrong, I freaking LOVE my Breasts🌷) is what it’s done for my mental health.

I struggled with mental illness in my early years and teens, but it was mostly functional until after high school. I was diagnosed bipolar when I was 22. After getting taken to the psych unit by the police. Yeah. I had first really started feeling trans(though I didn’t really fully understand what I was experiencing at the time) around this time and basically I allowed collective social pressures to push my inner girl back into the closet for nearly thirteen more years.

I was in and out of hospitals a lot in my twenties and I was a freaking MESS. Gender dysphoria clearly wasn’t the only thing messing with my head but it was damned sure a major factor. The first few years I was with my boyfriend I know my mental illness was pretty frightening to him. But he and so many people I know have told me that they have seen a remarkable change for the positive in my psyche in the time I’ve been on HRT. My therapists have also made similar comments. Before I was transitioning and on HRT my boyfriend wasn’t sure if he was going to be able to handle me long term but he’s been a truly amazing and supportive ally on this journey. I’m still bipolar and bad days are going to come but things are nowhere near as dark and hopeless feeling as they used to be. In many ways it feels like estradiol has sort of rewired my brain. Some things that seem trivial absolutely cut through me with explosive force now. It really doesn’t take much these days to make me cry but….I’m slowly but surely making more sense of my emotions and my weird impulses.

So what’s changed? My breasts are up to a B cup though until just a week or so ago I hadn’t noticed the nipples getting much bigger, hopefully more progesterone will help 🌷), my skin is the absolute softest it’s ever been, Estradiol has virtually eliminated most of my unwanted body hair and I’m definitely noticing a little more ‘Girl’ in my face these days. I over analyze the hell out of that last part. I just have a lot of anxiety about it sometimes because I doubt I’d ever be able to afford Facial Feminization Surgery and I’m hoping the HRT proves to be sufficient. I feel kinda stupid admitting that but yeah, sometimes I think ‘Am I ever going to look convincingly female?’ I hate to say it(because shit like that just reinforces bullshit stereotypes)but I take a lot of shit and sometimes I just long so hard to blend in a little. I know my femininity is adequate enough and so am I, but my voice still clocks me instantly, face is a little better at almost 9 months.

Still, even with Spiro making me dumb and confused and loopy, life is a LOT better than pre Transition. I used to freak out and be obsessive when I couldn’t find something or whatever. Nowadays I’m just like ‘Oh well’. The main thing messing with me right now is my working life. Not really making enough money on the beach and not wanting to get too involved with looking for jobs until I have my legal stuff signed in blood(I’m sick of how awkward the name thing makes interviews). Anyhow, that stuff IS moving along as I have a phone appointment with the lawyer TOMORROW. I mean, I’ve at least made it this far, which I never thought possible. My family hasn’t thrown me away. In fact we’re pretty tight these days! Things aren’t great with my Dad but… We shall see. I’ve lost some friends but the ones that stuck by me are closer than ever as well as many new ones emerging. I haven’t yet made it through but I’m staying the fucking course here. I still have moments when I pause and just start weeping joyfully because I’m actually fucking out of the cage I spent 35 years in🀘

I’ve been trying to find some way to get involved with activism. I guess I need to call Equality Florida again, they never called me back about me volunteering. It would also be good if I started going to Metro in Clearwater. I am HURTING for some local community or at least a few local friends.

*sigh*I really wish HRT appointments weren’t six months apart. I wanna ask my endocrinologist about switching to injectable estrogen, and find out about referrals for surgical consultation for at least an orchiectomy because this spironolactone stuff is REALLY cramping my style(and basic reasoning). Time to make a list of things to ask the doctor in DECEMBER *sigh*

So aside from all that stuff I’m doing pretty well with the RA stuff lately. Relatively low pain though still a bit fatigued lately. I have an infusion Thursday followed by lunch with my Man and Mom and Aunt Mary so YAY! That’ll be good fun 🀘

As y’all can see, my new hat is still extremely new and exciting to Me 🀣

Anyhow, I’m going to go enjoy some of my fabulous medical cannabis now and have Me some quality time with my Darling Man😍

With copious amounts of Morbid Flower Girl Love:

Lily Jane 🌷

Lily’s 37th Summer πŸŒ·

It’s not quite over yet but enough has transpired that I feel reasonably confident in doing a retrospective post here. I mean, let’s be honest, I live in Florida. Summer began a WHILE ago. Even after the season supposedly changes, I’ll still be here wiping the sweat as I walk my Dog until probably at least October or so. All that aside, it’s time to tell my story as long as the first estradiol of the day is pleasantly hitting my brain 😁

The two events that really marked the start of Summer for me were St. Pete Pride and seeing my Endocrinologist for a Six months follow up visit. The Doctor had some blood taken, gave me my gender dysphoria letter, and prescribed progesterone even though not a huge believer in it. He did decide to humor me and let me try it, though. So that was a very fruitful visit and I see him again in December. As I mentioned, St. Pete Pride was in June itself and a week or so after I saw my Endocrinologist. Around this time I had started working out every morning. I was planning to dress a bit scandalously and well, I wanted to look fit lol. Mind you I’d been on the Progesterone for a week or so now. Steadily losing belly fat and whatnot. It should be noted that I didn’t start on progesterone. We started with Provera(medroxyprogesterone)and for three days I was fucking BATSHIT climbing up the walls. Called the Endocrinologist and they switched it to the bioidentical Progesterone and I figured that was it because the new stuff made me far less nuts.

I’m not going into too much detail about St. Pete Pride in this post (though it was amazing and spectacular) because I’m planning to do a post specifically about that subject soon but a couple highlights included being quoted and described in the Tampa Bay Times Sunday paper article about Pride🌈, getting mad crazy compliments on our outfits, and meeting LOTS of cool people! 🀘

So all this was happening and it was really cool but…. I was starting to have massive trouble with anxiety and being spastic and jumpy. Thankfully my Rheumatoid Arthritis was relatively well controlled while all this stuff was happening. Dealing with that on top of the other stuff would have crushed me for sure. So I anxiously got through July and work being a basket case until… It was time for my Birthday Vacation…. To Ft. Lauderdale….. (Right after I saw my shrink and explained that I thought my meds were starting to crap out and ‘Could we add some Lithium pls?’ which he thankfully obliged.)

Off from Tampa to Fort Lauderdale we went To see IRON FUCKING MAIDEN ON MY 37TH BIRTHDAY (THANK YOU MUCH, METAL GODSπŸ’‹)!!! The Trip itself was mostly fun… But verrrrry nervous (which I’ll get to)

Here’s my Birthday set list:

Iron Maiden: Sunrise BB&T Center, Florida – July 18, 2019

1. Aces High
2. Where Eagles Dare
3. 2 Minutes To Midnight
4. The Clansman
5. The Trooper
6. Revelations
7. For The Greater Good Of God
8. The Wicker Man
9. Sign Of The Cross
10. Flight Of Icarus
11. Fear Of The Dark
12. The Number Of The Beast
13. Iron Maiden
14. The Evil That Men Do (Encore)
15. Hallowed Be They Name (Encore)
16. Run To The Hills (Encore)

It was AMAZING. For the first track they had a replica Spitfire hanging over the stage, for some songs they had the Eddie tinged Iconography, Eddie came out and fought Bruce during The Trooper, and in one song Bruce had FLAME THROWERS on his arms! I had seen this Band once before so I had some idea of what to expect but..

They must have been really well rested or just done a bunch of speed because they fucking ROARED for every song in this show. Faster than usual and absolutely stunning technically. Best goddamned Metal show AND Birthday of my life from my absolute FAVORITE Band. When the last encore finished and people began to get up and move about and leave…. Well… I had fucking tears of joy and all I could think was how much I loved my Man for making it all possible and how unbelievably joyful I was in that moment. I’m literally tearing up just replaying it in my head right now 😒

So the show was incredible. And we had a lot of fun in the surrounding area since we were there for three days. Everything was pretty smooth coming back but as soon as I started working again my bipolar issues started raging. I started easing off the exercise, thinking that was making me manic. My man and I got sick when we got back in Clearwater. His cleared up, mine became pneumonia and around this time I finally stopped taking progesterone altogether because I was certain that was what was making me crazy. I was trying to get used to it for forty days until I was finally like ‘NO MORE!’.

Over the next week or two I slowly started feeling sane again and gradually less moody and hair triggery. Then I’m talking to a Trans Friend on Instagram one day and She said ‘You’re supposed to cycle progesterone ten days on, twenty days off. That’s seriously negligent that neither the doctor nor the pharmacy told you!” (Thanks again, Sophie Marie! ❀) .

So yeah, I took four months worth of progesterone in forty days. I feel like an idiot of course. But it’s true, neither the doctor nor the pharmacist gave me instructions and the bottle said to take daily. Even with established trans care providers, stuff like this happens. But whatever, at least I didn’t get so loopy I had to get hospitalized

I’m back to working out almost every morning now, but I’m going a little easier. I’m almost done with my second cycle of progesterone (now that I have the proper fucking instructions) and I’ve got an absolutely amazing new Trans Girl friend I’ve been having a BLAST πŸ’₯ texting and bantering with latelyπŸ€—πŸ™πŸŒˆ. I wish I knew more people to do stuff with in Clearwater but I am indeed grateful beyond words for my online family. Facebook consistently pissed me off to the point of jumping ship but Instagram and WordPress were both far too dear to me to part with and still are.

I made a Battle Purse too, and am proceeding with my pink Battle Outfit project too🀘

In other news, my Man finally saw his Physician. It had been like a year. His Doctor is transitioning to male and He gave us the number of a local lawyer who does transition related legal stuff pro Bono so I’m waiting for a call back from her office about doing my name and gender change SOON! The cool part is, I’ve been looking for a new Trans friendly primary care Doctor because I’ve been just seeing specialists for the last year or so. So I’m going to see about getting an appointment with my Man’s doctor because he’s local and I think he takes my insurance 🀘

Grateful for having my RA under control. Trying to do a bit of work on the rest of MeπŸ’‹

Cheers!

-Lily Jane 🌷

A rough and complicated patch….

Is about the most accurate description I can give of the current state of my existence. Scattered, sick, worn down, and more than a bit hysterical have all been fitting at various points in the last few weeks.

I’ll be real, I’m having a very hard time with my mental health lately and it’s been complicated by the physical health issues. Not making enough money because I haven’t been able to maintain a full schedule with either my RA/bipolar stuff going crazy or ‘Shit! Pneumonia again?!?!’ or other people being nasty to me I’m just…. burned out and having an increasingly difficult time getting myself motivated.

Part of this is due to me screwing up things with my progesterone experience. I feel stupid but neither the doctor nor the pharmacy said anything about cycling it for ten days on, twenty days off. I took it for forty days straight and I’m still dealing with the emotional fallout. I know it isn’t always true but most of the time it feels like everyone is laughing at me. I try to deaden myself to that sort of thing but a lot of people I run into are mean. I do my best to rise above or whatever but…. It’s still a tough crowd. Between missing so much work and feeling worthless and unreliable on one side and trying to stop crying over Every little nonsensical thing the last few months have been really intense. At least there was a great deal of fun in there as well. Maiden on my Birthday was the absolute experience of a LIFETIME!!!!! 🀘

Doing my best lately but it isn’t really feeling sufficient. I need to figure something out for work soon because it’s already August and the beach is about to hit that post Summer lull. Getting out of the house today was a good move. Even if all I did was stroll to Starbucks and get a cup of lousy corporate tea and type on my WordPress app.

The bright spots are still numerous. Made some really cool new Trans friends on the Insta and I’m grateful as ever for my huge online LGBTQ family. The last couple days have been kinda hard for me with my sleep getting in a really strange rhythm until I finally broke it and slept for about 12 hours. Last night got pretty damned wacky for me mentally but I obviously needed the sleep.

I’m not going into too much detail about what I was freaking about. Just that I take a lot of shit from strangers and for a time I considered giving up on myself and my transition. I hate admitting that because I’m usually so strong willed about being Lily but…between still easing off from essentially being in a state of progesterone fueled madness on top of RA adding it’s own share of anxiety and pain and I just cracked last night. Until I took my estradiol, of course. I still feel ridiculous because well…. I don’t know. Anyhow, I know society is gonna be a jackass no matter what so I might as well live my truth. I just have to admit this transitioning stuff (plus being a spoonie) is a lot harder than I thought. I’ve usually not had too much trouble with self doubt but…. Last night was ugly. I cracked and terrified myself 😒

My whole life I’ve always had a badass work ethic and…everything just wears me out so much harder than it used to. Part of it is losing strength from HRT but another part is just an internal voice screaming that it’s time to try something new. But going off HRT is NOT on the table. I just need to get my damned emotions under control. Apparently I have a hell of a lot of work left to do on myself. I mean, I know and accept my life is going to be hard. Just having a harder than usual time processing everything l. It makes me cry a lot when so many people treat me like garbage because I really try to be a decent and thoughtful person. People picking on me as a kid kinda made a jerk out of me in my younger years but anymore I’m just trying my best to be and spread peace. I don’t always succeed but… I’m really trying to be a better person these days.

Doing my best to stay pleasant and positive today. While I’m sure this post is a total downer, it’s been REALLY super good for my psyche at least in that it’s helped me sort my thoughts a little. The day is relatively pain free so far and I’m going to try to be fruitful πŸ’‹

Always,

Lily Jane 🌷

Adventures in Flowering

Been a busy and productive few weeks. I saw my Endocrinologist a couple days ago for my HRT six months follow up visit. He was his usual peculiar but cool self. Had his staff take some blood to use to check my E and T levels. He doesn’t seem to be a huge believer in it but he humored me with a progesterone prescription and ALSO gave me my letter for legal gender transition. So now the name and gender change is much closer to being within my grasp. I hope to do both within a month. It’s really freaking happening! I’m going to be legally Lily soon!!!! 🌷

Then it’s hopefully on to consultations for GCS, vocal feminization surgery, electrolysis….and whatever else may arise.

After so many tortured years of hiding out, it’s absolutely surreal to be finally living the way I want. This is not to say that it’s not occasionally incredibly scary but…..

Living authentically it truly it’s own reward. I laugh, smile, and giggle so much more these days than I used to. I’ve made so many friends and it’s strengthened so many existing bonds in my life with family and friends.

I try not to dwell on the past too much but… I was a truly sick person most of my teens and twenties. I often wonder what I could have made of my life if I didn’t have two nervous breakdowns in my twenties which involved several hospitalizations and countless drugs.

The inner peace I have as Lily Jane is the peace Thom was never really able to achieve or truly enjoy for any appreciable amount of time. I will fight like hell with all the strength I possess to defend it. Believe that shit 🀘

I must excuse myself now to cook dinner for Shannon and I but, I’m hanging in there. Working out every day, kicking ass on the beach and plotting my next move.

Also, CAN’T WAIT FOR ST. PETE PRIDE NEXT WEEKEND!!! 🌈

Cheers!

-Lily Jane 🌷

Lily Languishing?

It certainly feels that way at times. Sometimes I really wish I could have started transition when I was 22. Instead of coming out when I first began to bloom I let myself be crushed by social pressures for another thirteen years. Nearly all of that time I was hopelessly bipolar and was hospitalized several times. I still am bipolar, of course. But things have been much more approachable and manageable since I started transitioning socially and ESPECIALLY since I began HRT. Gender Dysphoria nearly crushed Me but getting on Estradiol and Spiro literally saved my life.

I’m still struggling with my employment. It hasn’t been a great season on the beach and my RA was absolutely freaking out(since i had to go off meds for about six weeks!)after I had pneumonia over spring break time. Today is my second Orencia infusion and I’m happy to say things are slowly but surely leveling off and calming down with my joints since I began. No reactions to the infusion and it only takes about half an hour.

As much as I love working on the beach, I’m thinking it may be time to move on. It’s just getting too hard with my joint issues and it’s just not really suiting me well these days. Which actually makes me upset because I love the people I work with and for. But I can’t deny that I’m slowing down from the RA fatigue as well as losing strength from HRT and I’m simply reaching a stage where I need to dial it down a bit and find something a little less erratic.

I don’t mean to sound all melodramatic, really. Things are not THAT bad. But I’m in the weeds pretty hard nonetheless. I’m just not making enough money to pay for all my regular obligations and not one but now two therapists who don’t take my insurance. That in itself is about an extra 175 a month. This is fine when the beach is going well but that’s not the case lately.

I’ve got my sights on something entry level at the local hospital. I think it’s achievable since my employment history is a bit more solid these days and I have a medical card to justify a positive cannabinoids test which for years was the only thing really stopping me. So putting together a resume and applying for a few positions is DEFINITELY on my agenda today.

Speaking of the medical card for a moment:

Saw my awesome Cannabis Physician yesterday morning and had a splendid visit. He is an Internist who doubles as a Cannabis Clinician and a Family Doctor, absolutely wonderful fellow. He hadn’t seen me in six months and was like ‘Wow, you’re getting some amazing results from the HRT!’. Anyhow, he added my recommendation for smokeable flower so I’m happy about that for sure. I just wish insurance would help with some of this stuff. On a side note, both the Doctor and the nice Lady who brings my mail told me I looked gorgeous around 9am yesterday so I was pretty much riding euphorically high on that little cloud all day.

HRT is seriously the best thing I’ve ever done for myself and one of the main reasons I refuse to confirm the question posed by the title of this post. I am not failing. But my blooming process has been extremely long and painstaking. I’m honestly barely even halfway there. The HRT has shown me that I can be comfortable within my own head without needing my mind to be completely drugged into submission with stuff like zyprexa or thorazine. I’m honestly amazed my twenties didn’t kill me. I think of all the pain, anguish, hopelessness, and crushing despair during those years and it truly helps me grasp and appreciate how much better my life is these days.

Hormones take a long time to do their thing but the immediate relief to my wounded psyche from the first few days was absolutely ASTOUNDING to me. There are the obvious effects to be expected like of course breast development (at almost six months in I’m around a B cup) and softening of facial features. Some of the most pleasing personal things I’ve noticed so far include a DRASTIC reduction in my body hair. I was never a very hairy person and I always hated the little bit I got. I’m still pretty dense and bushy in the pubic region as well as the armpits but my chest hair and the hair on my legs have pretty much completely disappeared. I used to get terrible dysphoria from shaving my chest and whatnot so it makes me so happy that I no longer need to. I haven’t shaved my legs in three weeks and the stubs are so much more wispy and less coarse. Even at three weeks of letting it go my legs still look mostly smooth. The only area this hasn’t helped with is facial hair. Still going to have to get that zapped eventually.

The other funny thing is that I’m sort of shrinking. No, not THAT(AT LEAST NOT YET LOL), but height is what I mean. I used to be one inch taller than my Man at Six feet. Now we’re dead even and he’s looking awfully smug 😏

One thing HRT doesn’t do is help one with vocal troubles. I’m hoping to eventually look in to getting a vocal feminization surgery which is where a small amount of the voice tissues are shaved to alter the pitch. My boyfriend offered to pay after he heard that wouldn’t be able to speak for a month after the fact. He’s a funny Man but I don’t think he’s joking this timeπŸ˜„

I was set to do a voice class soon but it got canceled. I was pretty upset about that because vocal dysphoria hits me pretty darn hard sometimes. I look a lot more feminine than I did early on but I feel like my voice really throws people off.

I see my Endocrinologist in a few weeks at which point I am hoping to secure letters for legal name/gender marker change/surgery, get on progesterone to further breast development and aside from that, just trying to stay on target😎

Not languishing, just fighting like hell the way I do.

More as it developsπŸ’‹

-Lily Jane