Muh frustration

It’s 4:23 in the morning and I’ve been up for two hours. I fell asleep around 8 like I usually do(even remembered to take some melatonin first) and woke up because I had to pee. That’s usually the thing that ends up curtailing an otherwise promising night of sleep.

I laid back down for a while and tossed about, clutching my Unicorn and thinking about my Boyfriend. Our bed is messed up so I sleep in it alone on the decent side. He sleeps on the couch and I, well…I kind of lose my mind at night. I didn’t get into a commited relationship so I could sleep with just my stuffed animals!!!*sigh* I sip some more of my tea, take a breath and begin to explore the possibility of bonghits. Don’t get me wrong, our relationship is immensely joyful and full of love. We just have a pretty shit sleeping arrangement right now.

Morning time is hard for me. The part where I have breakfast, take my various meds and start charging towards my daily bullshit is alright but the EARLY morning (usually 3-630 or so) is my isolation chamber time essentially as the rest of the house and world(most of the folks around here anyway)My Kitty passed right before last Christmas and I think the most about her in my night and morning because she used to sleep in the bed with me. I often find myself feeling especially woeful early on and then all i have to do is glance at her urn on the shelf and the tears just start flowing. That hasn’t happened today but the rest of the house is snoozing and I’m wide fucking awake wishing it was already time to do stuff because I am going a LITTLE stir crazy here lolol😹 I think part of it is my body screaming for that first hit of estradiol. Which will only make me more frisky 🀣

On the one hand I appreciate the solitude and the quiet immensely when I need it, it’s just that I wake up in high gear and it’s simply not a good fit the first few hours! I have a few friends I can text at weird hours but I really try to avoid doing so but….

I’m just so fucking starved for some interaction. But right now the pipe will have to do. That and maybe bothering the Cat a bit. At least now it’s late enough to take my HRT and start equalizing 🀘

HRT Day 300 minus one πŸŒ·

Hey Y’all! Hope you’re having as Gloriously appropriate a Hump Day as this Girl. I should probably put a content warning of some sort on this post as I plan on talking about some intimate stuff regarding my HRT and my sex life as well as more personal stuff like genital dysphoria as well as surgical aspirations. If you are the squeamish type you might be best advised to read something else. That said, well….

Hi folks! It’s ya Girl Lily Jane!πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ I’m at about a year and eight months of social transition and coming up on 300 days of medical transition in the form of Hormone Replacement Therapy, specifically Estradiol tabs, progesterone, and spironolactone. I’m in the process of getting my name changed from Thomas to Lily but I’m kind of stuck until I round up all my addresses since BIRTH. I know most of them but have no idea where I lived as an infant and whatnot so I need to ask my Mom about this before I can finish the forms for the lawyer and get petitions rolling. Aside from that I’m really getting eager as hell to get at the least an orchiectomy soon so I can stop taking this Spironolactone stuff. It has me in a pretty intense state of brain fog most of the time, though it does seem to be easing off now that the heat is receding a bit.

So aside from the bodily effects of the Estradiol(breast development is currently at a BπŸ™‚,softer skin, far less body hair,softening of facial features) the emotional side of things has been really quite remarkable. I’m definitely a lot more sensual than I used to be for one and a far more passionate and involved lover than I’ve been in the past(at least according to my Man) and my bipolar disorder is far less intense than in most of my life leading up to transition. I find myself better at leveling mmyself out when the brain chemicals are pumping though much of this could also be attributed to being in a stable and healthy relationship for several years. I’m able to see how a lot of my life leading up to this was pretty much exactly what people mean when they say Testosterone poisoning .Suffice it to say, It really was making me hopelessly insane trying to conform to a Male framework.

HRT has mostly been really good for me mentally. I’m finding that Bipolar issues can still be quite challenging because in the past I’ve always been fairly adept at spotting my mood swings and cycles but now its sometimes a bit less clear if I’m being manic or depressive or….just a hormonal bitch. I don’t get sucked into awful moods that seem to last forever like in days past but it seems like it takes far less to make me upset these days. I’m a reasonably strong person I suppose, but like for example: One day I literally started hysterically crying at work because a Lady at the bar said that I was mean to her. Yeah. Just the implication totally shattered my composure. But also, I feel like I get what my Mom has to say about a lot of things more clearly these days. If nothing else, Estradiol is slowly crafting me into a more intuitive being and a better and more compassionate listener. I’m not really sure what’s up with my Dad and I but in the case of my Mom my blossoming process is bringing us a lot closer as Family.

On another note, sex is…..kind of annoying lately. But this is really an oversimplification. I still have a sex life that’s often quite fun, it’s just that I’m pretty much hormonally sterile and things simply don’t work the way they used to. I’ve had one solitary orgasm since the HRT really kicked in and began beating down my nads. But that one orgasm about two or three months ago was the single most devastating climax of my LIFE. I’m STILL feeling waves of aftershocks from THAT one. That’s one of the fun things about feminization through HRT. It literally allows you to experience female orgasms. Sounds pretty cool, eh? Problem is your old equipment is not rendered useless per se, it’s just that things are really screwy. It should be noted that regardless of what you do with your genitals, you always have a prostate (if you’re MTF like moi). I guess I need a book or a proper toy more like or to look up some massage techniques because I have not been successful getting off in this manner, though the effort is a LOT of fun 🀘

So yeah, I really wish I could come(ESPECIALLY now that I know what I’m missing!)and sometimes the HRT feels like a cruel joke because estrogen makes me UNBELIEVABLY horny most of the time. Literally, if you glance quick enough you might see me grinding my booty and making love to the air. Estradiol has truly inflamed my senses!But even if i can’t pop i still have a HELL of a lot of fun pleasing my Man and getting my booty drilled. I mean, it’s almost like there’s a sort of ascetic flavor to my sexploits these days, like a sort of tantric bliss. I’m glad I can at least still mostly scratch the intense psychological itch. I’m told this stuff takes patience and imagination 🀘

I plan to ask my Endocrinologist about an Orchie soon as I said, and the rest of surgical stuff i hope to do depends on how long it takes to get letters and referrals and stuff. In all honesty genital dysphoria has gotten a lot more intense as I’ve gotten deeper into transition. The spiro related shrinkage does make it a little less agonizing though. My Man has been really patient with me when we’re intimate. I mean, I don’t really use my dick much for sex or solitary fun at all any more. Even if using it feels nice it just totally fucks up the contents of my head too much so I’m just very much enjoying being a total bottom/Sub(as I’ve been gravitating towards for my whole life) and focusing on touch and sensation lately as well as more psychological factors when we’re intimate.

So there it is. More than you ever wanted to know about Lily Jane 🌷

Also, HAPPY FALL AND YAY FOR BATTLE JACKET WEATHER 🀘(photo from yesterday when I began this post)

Have a lovely Thursday, Y’all. Time for this Flower Girl to go to workπŸ’‹

-Lily Jane 🌷