The Chronicles of Lily Jane Part I

Things have been more than a bit perplexing of late. I’m moving forward with my transition as well as I’m able to currently and despite the passage of time seemingly coming to a crawl…. Stuff IS happening. I’m not sure what I should go into first here so bear with me as I struggle to articulate my thoughts.

I’ve been socially transitioning since I came out as Transgender in March so about five months now plus some change. I’m building up a new collection of clothing, working on makeup skills and doing my best to alleviate my sometimes crushing dysphoria. I have been seeing my longtime therapist again since coming out and he’s been really great and supportive. He is not a gender Therapist though so I referred him to one that I’ve been in contact with about figuring out what the standards/criteria for the gender dysphoria diagnosis letter. After that I’ll go to an Endocrinologist and hopefully begin hormones soon though I think Florida may require a year of social transition first.

Not crazy about living in Florida. Many of the people are mean and paranoid and I feel like I have a target on my back here, even in my most confident state. I’m working on facing my fears and doing my best to be strong. People I know tell me they think I’m brave or something and while I appreciate the sentiment I feel compelled to confess that I am frequently overwhelmed and absolutely crippled by fear and anxiety. I’m okay for the most part being out in public but strangers and crowds are really starting to freak me out sometimes. I’m usually okay at a concert or something but I’m finding myself getting really perturbed when I go pretty much anywhere. I know it’s not fair on my part because most people are totally cool but I’m seriously developing a bit of a social phobia and it’s been making me really have more of a sense of urgency about keeping myself together.

While I’m much happier day to day since coming out as trans, I’m also finding myself having to handle far more anxiety and apprehension than I have ever had to shoulder. The Rheumatoid Arthritis has been it’s usual capricious self so I’ve been riding my bike obsessively recently. I’m usually okay as long as I keep myself steadily burning all this bipolar energy. But sooner or later I have to slow down or stop. That’s where things get challenging for me to deal with.

I get into a lot of awkward situations and look for unisex bathrooms wherever. Not that feminine looking so no matter where I pee I’m gonna get dirty looks and perhaps worse but… Whatever. Hopefully things improve for future generations.

I miss the outlet that I used to have in Theatre. But I feel like all I could do at this stage is help behind the curtain. I don’t want to play male roles and I’m not confident in myself enough to seek out female ones yet. I’m not saying that I never will be, just that I’m not there and it distresses me. I’m hoping I face this soon as I feel like this part of my soul is withering.

Really doing the best I can to be a good Lily. I’m plagued by self doubt and this ugly part of Thom’s emotional baggage that refuses to let myself take credit or pride in anything. I know I’m a fairly decent person but I constantly juggle bipolar disorder with an autoimmune disease (RA) and the stress of transitioning and….. I can’t properly put into words how exhausting it sometimes is being Me… I keep pushing forward because at ever so slight a pacing…. Things are improving. I don’t hate the sight of myself any more. There are things I can and will change but…. I’m mostly okay with my meat skeleton.

I still have flashes of absolute spiritual agony from time to time. Believe me, those abrupt shifts can make you completely mad. But I’m learning that somehow I still have a friend in myself. We’re even closer than ever since I allowed her to reveal herself 😹

I still haven’t come out to my Dad. I’m afraid of how he will react. I know he doesn’t have a particularly high opinion of trans people and I’m afraid but…. I know I’ll have to deal with it eventually. Just not today.

I keep moving through the various systems like I have some idea of what I’m doing. Sometimes I’m not even faking. The closer I’ve become with my inner self the more determined I am to never retreat. Lily has a name, a close confidante in herself, and amazing support network. The thing I’m becoming super adamant about is not letting my emotional or physical pain turn me into a jerk. I know who the fuck I am and who I want to be and….

I’m here for the Long haul 😘

It feels Lovely to spill my guts in the form of a Planet Berserk Post. Swear I’m going to try to be more prolific.

Love-

Lily Jane 💜

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Adventures in Breathing and Being….

Hello, Reader Folks. Apologies for my absence as I have been struggling with balancing my personal life, injuries and general fatigue and malaise. Things are definitely on the upswing though. I’m feeling pretty awesome about my existence and the people in it be lately. So allow me to divulge what I’ve been busying myself with:

My big Sister came to town for a few days to help celebrate my Dear Mom’s 70th birthday! We went to the Beachcomber on Mandalay and had an absolutely superb dinner and celebration. It was my Mom’s first birthday with two daughters as well as my first real family function as Lily Jane. All in all I think it went really well and I’m pleased with everyone being so cool despite a few awkward moments. Those are going to happen and my family has been really great about accepting Me. Calling me a different name than what I grew up with is a little odd, I get it. Point is the effort is there and I appreciate them.

I’m recovering from some really terrible inflammation in my elbow so I’ve had the last week off work. Happy to be going back as I am a little stir crazy at present. Tennis elbow and tendonitis can be an icky combination but the Mobic has been very helpful and right now my pain is relatively low. The Rheumatoid Arthritis stuff is fairly well managed though I am really curious to see where my vectra DA mark is. Yay, more blood work! Anyhow, I’m a little banged up but my health is pretty good and I’m grateful. Kratom has been a real blessing and helped me manage pain more effectively as well as cut back on meds.

In other news, I’ve been in contact with a Gender Therapist about getting a letter of dx of gender dysphoria so I can begin HRT which I am really anxious to do. I’m going to s r about getting my main therapist schooled in WPATH or whatever so I can just have him write it. I’m anxious partially because I want to get married to Shannon and I don’t want to Marry him as Thomas. So I want to be legally Lily and on hormones before I tie the knot. I hope that answers some of your questions about when that’s going down. I really don’t know is the best I can do at present. But I’m optimistic that it’ll work out. Hormones are supposed to be really helpful with easing some of the body dysphoria stuff which I am all for.

My awesome friend Heather has given me a bunch of really cool dresses and been a really super supportive friend lately. My Mom has been really awesome too even if a little puzzled at times. I’m spending a lot of time just kinda letting go of some of my stylistic hangups and trying to be more comfortable in my own skin. I’m pretty confident about leaving and going out and about, though I carry pepper spray and watch my back. I’m also doing the unthinkable and cutting out beer for an undetermined amount of time. I’m just starting to care about my figure a little more and am not really feeling beer these days. So whatever I guess.

I’m doing quite a bit better since I built up a rather formidable Internet family in the last year. I have a great deal of people in my life whom I’ve never met in person but have been there for me in some of my darkest times. I do my best to be there for them as well as I can. I’m always fimly within reach of moral support from a plethora of interesting people and It means the absolute world to Me 🤗

It’s these various people online and irl (of course) who make me realize that I need to stop screwing around and get prolific with my writing and visual art. Because the people in my life inspire me so much that I can’t freaking contain myself and I want to SCREAM IT!!!!

So, Ummm…. yeah. That’s what’s going on with me lately. I feel beat up but refreshed and ready to go full throttle again! Also, I feel cute today 😎

Have a splendid day, Y’all. We’ll be back soon!

Love-

Lily Jane 💜