Second Awkward Teenage Blues

This is something that keeps occurring to me lately, that I’m basically going through a more appropriate form of learning to be yet again. I try to not look goofy but sometimes I like to have a bit of fun with my outfits. I’m 35 going on 36 and I’m just now finally letting my guard down enough to let myself just be a girl. I spent my teenage feeling repulsive and hating most of the available clothes. I wasn’t even close to having myself figured out in those days but it was certainly in the works. So now I find myself out as transgender with most of my friends, family and work people. It’s been a little scary at times but largely a really good experience. A lot of really awesome people have revealed themselves as allies and my existing friends have been really incredible and supportive. My Mom too, bless her heart. Even though my Death Metal style kind of irks her 😛

So now where I find myself is….looking for an Endocrinologist and inquiring about beginning HRT. Building up a wardrobe and working on makeup skills which are still honestly pretty modest. Managing the RA as well as I can and getting lots of time on the bicycle because it helps me maintain a nice figure.

Aside from that, seeing my therapist, going to work, and immersing myself in music I’ve been rather laid back lately. Perhaps content is a better word. I had a neat experience getting ready for work yesterday. Got kind of zoned out while looking in the mirror while thinking of doing my makeup and hair. Looked myself over and had a few brief words with myself. As joyful tears began to drip all I could manage to say was ‘Thank you for letting me out of my cage’. I tear up just remembering it. It was one of the most unbelievably happy moments of my life. I’m still afraid. It just isn’t enough to stop me anymore. I’m coming into my own, I know who I am and I wouldn’t trade it for anything under the Sun.

All across the board people are astounding me with how cool they’re actually willing to be. There was a drunk couple at my work last night that I thought were making fun of me at first but wasn’t sure, turns out they were totally cool. Had a nice chat with me as they left and ran into me after I got off work and bought me a beer. I get nervous and apprehensive at times but…

The world is changing for the better. It may be hard to see at times, but I feel it in my heart and it’s beautiful and liberating and exciting all at once. That’s food enough for Me.

The future is so bright I need shades 😘

Love-

Lily Jane 💜

Advertisements

Berserkitude

Well, I’m still here! Things are pretty rough at present time and I figured ‘What better time for a blog post?’. A few highlights of late:

The Alaska Trip is not happening (at least in the form we imagined). Shannon has an infection in his foot and is currently in the hospital being treated for it. Not sure what his plan of aftercare will entail but we’ll know more soon. I took him to the hospital the night before last. I am worried fucking sick 😖

As for my health, I did a dumb thing recently and lapsed on my RA meds for about a month or two and I’m paying for it with an absolutely punishing flare up. I saw my Rheumatologist a few days ago, explained what was up and he gave me a few treatment options. I chose Kevzara shots because he had samples (meaning I could start on it right away) and I did my first injection in the office before I left. I’m still hurting bad and am currently attempting to control things with low doses of prednisone. It’s making me loopy but it IS helping. I’ve been highly stressed physically and mentally and have managed to weasel my way out of my last two days of work but tomorrow I absolutely gotta go.

My Mom(who reads this Blog) has been really awesome and supportive about me transitioning. She suggested seeing an Endocrinologist and looking into starting hormones as well as possibly genetic testing. She still has outfit angst for Me, bless her heart. She couldn’t stand the way I dressed before I figured myself out and that hasn’t really changed 😂

So those are the major occurrences lately. Time to go through the hot ass summer with awkward stage hair. Whatever. I feel surprisingly good considering I’m deep in a wicked RA flare up. I hurt like hell and I’m more emotional than usual but Shannon is the one in real trouble right now and I’m doing my best to be strong for us. I’m gonna clean up, put on something cute and go have dinner with my lover in his hospital room. I’ll deal with tomorrow tomorrow.