It’s been a rough few months and I’ve been kind of in the weeds mentally. I’m doing my best to keep my moods in check and deescalate them when necessary. So then, I have a lot to tell you about which I will attempt to keep as concise as possible.
My RA is under control and I’m doing fairly well in the that regard. Relatively low pain and inflammation as well as minimum fatigue. Xeljanz plus the weekly methotrexate injections seems to be the magic bullet. I still have some troublesome days but overall doing quite well.
Shannon’s Mother just left town after staying with us for about a month. She would have been on her way sooner but her health issues complicated her plans and she stayed a little longer. It was a pleasure to have her and she helped us fix up many things around the house. That said we’re happy to have our privacy and whatnot back.
I’m hopefully scraping enough $ together soon for a trip to Alaska in the summer. Shannon is directing a Shakespeare show and wants me to join the fun. I’m really nervous about acting and he’s pushing me because he knows that I kind of have a complex I need to break. Should be good fun.
Aside from that I’ve been doing some really heavy duty introspection lately. Halloween, as much fun as it was brought some things to the front of my mind that I have repressed the hell out of since… Honestly since I was a kid but very much so in the last twelve years or so of my life. I’ve honestly never been particularly comfortable with being male. I know this may come as a shock to some but it’s honestly how I’ve felt most of my life. When I present as a woman I feel at peace and whole. I feel comfortable in my own skin and right.
Some folks seem puzzled by this, but I’m not particularly masculine. I was the sensitive scrawny kid who always got picked on. I never told anyone until years later, but when I was a kid going into my teens I used to try on my mom’s clothes when she was shopping or at work. I wasn’t sure why, I just knew it made me feel nice and pretty. I didn’t think much of it initially but when I had my first girlfriend (before I figured out i was more into Men) she used to get so pissed at me for stretching out her Clothes. Anyway, being Harley Quinn for a day brought all this stuff back to the surface and well, I don’t think I’m a drag queen and i don’t think it’s a phase or fetish. I think I’m transgender and after first realizing at the age of twenty two I’ve finally admitted it to myself nearly thirteen years later. Just every time I’ve dressed like a girl I’ve quietly wished I could do it full time. I mean, If its a phase its a pretty freaking long one 😂
It was no surprise to my best friends. Many friends and my boyfriend have told me I have a feminine brain and they totally saw this coming. Mind you, I realize there’s a whole lot more to being a woman than just dressing like one.
I’m not sure about many things right now but I’m just carefully feeling the situation out. I don’t know to what degree I intend to transition and anything I do will be in baby steps. I know people will bring my mental health into the discussion. I am not delusional or confused. That’s what people said all those years ago…. That i was just being manic. But I’m not manic now and i still feel this way now. I just don’t want to constantly live in a state of hiding out. It’s robbed me of enough of my life force as is.
People who think I’m such an average guy, acting like one has always been a matter of survival. I’m a stage actor. I fake things well, even convincingly at times. But that’s all I feel like I’m doing as a ‘Man’. I’ve always found subtle ways to feminize myself somehow. The world may not see it, but I know 😇
I’m not going to pick apart all the reasons I don’t feel comfortable being a dude. But believe me, there are a great many. I’ve spent a great many nights crying myself to sleep trying to figure out which end is up. I cry a lot sometimes when I look at my body. I hate how muscular I am and how the veins in my arms are all prominent. I have some gender/body dysphoria and I’m tired of having to act like this isn’t happening to me. I know I’m not unattractive, I just don’t enjoy or identify with being a dude. It just hasn’t ever felt like anything but a role I’ve been trapped in.
I feel much lighter already having said what I have. I’ve already hinted at this enough over social media that one night my mom asked me ‘Who’s Lily? (My Tgirl name is Lily Jane, partial homage to Lilith as well as deliberate flower symbolism)’ and I told her. It was really awkward and I don’t even want to think of having this talk with my Dad. But my Mom was awesome in her way. My Boyfriend was the one who first asked me if I was having a trans issue. I totally denied it at the time but a few weeks later I said ‘Yeah, I may have lied about that…’. I was scared. I still am. But my Boyfriend and friends have been so amazing and supportive.
So that’s what I’ve been dealing with. If nothing else I hope it makes for a decent read.