I know it’s not a real word. Stop oppressing me. I’ve been enjoying myself in the kitchen lately and don’t mind bragging a bit. Yes, I am a fan of my own cooking. I’m a big believer in comfort food. This morning I woke up with swollen joints in a decent amount of pain. Took some analgesics and distracted myself from all that noise by making tacos at nine in the morning because I can. It made me feel better, though that ache is still there.
I’ve been on Arava for three weeks and am still not noticing any change. I just hope it doesn’t make my blasted hair fall out like it’s known to do. I was thinking the new med was starting to work until yesterday. I had several pain free days without any NSAIDS and thought I had hit a clearing. Then I started flaring again. My Rheumatologist has instructed me to be sparing with my bottle of prednisone so I’m not taking any more before I see him next week. If I still have a lot of swelling when I see him he may add another med, hard to say. I’m back on a steady dose of Tylenol and Motrin for the time being.
Mentally I’m much calmer today than I have been since returning to Florida. I had an interview for a job by the mall today which I freaking nailed. The beach is a dead scene lately and I had to go where the money is. I can’t live off two days a week, much as I like my beach job. So, yeah. A bit more relaxed now that I’ve found a new job. I’m usually pretty good at staying on top of my brain cooties, but the financial anxiety had been wearing hard on me.
I’m doing fairly well otherwise. Sometimes I can’t believe how lucky I am. I wouldn’t have thought of pursuing this particular job if a work friend hadn’t told me to come check the place out. She also put in a word for me, I think. I left that place today with a satisfied smirk on my face and a spring in my step.
It’s nice that some people still remember and practice karma. I do my best to put out mostly positive energy and be a decent person. My great struggle in this life is not letting experience make me inexorably cynical. I can’t remember who said this but one quote sticks out in my mind: Snark is the modern disease. In so many walks of life it seems like nothing more than a vast sea of smiling back stabbers with no thought process outside the context of petty one-upmanship. At the risk of sounding like a hippie, I’m not letting these types lay waste to my true nature.
Perhaps I should clarify, I’m not referring to the concept of a higher self or whatever. I’m talking about the true incontrovertible raw essence of self. The will, if you like. Crowley tells us that every man and woman is a star with a unique and distinctive orbit. The Law of Liberty applies to all, or it applies to none at all. Some people absolutely crack their minds trying to wrap them around such a broad and sweeping ethos of tolerance and respect for others. Thou hast no right but to do thy will, save for if such will inhibits the liberty of another. Thelema is truly the embodiment of the global citizenship notion which has become so popular in recent times.
Now I pause and rub my knuckles in a contemplative state. As I glance at the time I realize that I’m due for nighttime meds. I’ll try to keep the rest of this post succinct. I’m okay. I was in an icky state for a few weeks but I made it through for now. I’m highly grateful for the quality time with my Boyfriend and our animals that I’ve been awash in of late. These are the things that keep me whole and pure. Which brings me back to the essence of self. Beyond all the layers of experience, the infrastructure of interaction with others, and how we see ourselves is the raw entirety of one’s being. Not physical attributes, nor any shade or filter of presentation may obstruct the indomitable gleam of (for lack of better terminology) the inner light. It is the light which permeates and moves through all objects and things living or not, that which the ancients rightly viewed as the active living will of God.
Know thyself, and the rest will follow. I’m not the smartest, best looking or most successful person out there. I’m just a guy who knows who the hell I am. I refuse to let this world dull my glow.
I’m not really certain what the purpose of this post was, but I’m running with it.
See if I do not.