Variable existence

Lately I have been fighting a potent combination of despair and fatigue.  I’ll have a good day or two and go right back to feeling gut punched and worthless.  I’m really not sure what to do about it.  I try to avoid bitching about it on the Internet but by the same token this blog is one of my very few mechanisms of catharsis.  When I get fatigued no amount of sleeping or coffee gets me right.

I already doubled my dose of Wellbutrin and don’t see the doctor until nearly two weeks from now.  Day to day I feel pretty much vile and lifeless.  Not all the time, mind you. There are periods of relative calm interspersed therein. I’m just thinking my ego might be too fragile to be a customer service person. I just can’t seem to let it go when people are nasty to me. I take a lot of pride in what I do and it just crushes me when people walk on me. There was a time long ago when I was a halfway decent actor so that works somewhat in my favor but all I’m doing is barely containing my seething resentment towards the general public.

I’m just feeling like I have no future lately. No marketable skills or education and a body and mind falling to pieces before my eyes. I try to put on a brave face for those around me in the interest of not being a selfish jerk but honestly I’m dying inside daily.

I miss theatre sometimes but I can’t go back. That part of my life is over. I miss my friends and I miss spending time outdoors.  Everyone is just too caught up in their grind and that’s just how it is.

Between depression and fatigue and anxiety I’m just slowly but surely losing my will to be.  I’m not suicidal or anything,  just adrift and hopeless feeling. I have a birthday coming up and I couldn’t give two shits. I’m terrified that the combination of quitting my prednisone and starting a DMARD is going to wipe out what’s left of my strength.

I’m sorry if this seems like a bitchfest. I just had to admit that I’m feeling like garbage lately. Here’s hoping for a better day.

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