Rebuilding

My name is Thom and my life has been a mess for pretty much as long as I’ve existed. I’ve been deliberating over what to do about it for some time. I’ve done so off and on for the better portion of twenty years that I’ve struggled with substance abuse.

I’ve had my share of moments of clarity and dramatic realizations and what have you,  I just haven’t taken them very seriously up to now. So why have I chosen to do so now? Let me illustrate my plethora of reasons:

1. I can’t get any money saved. Ever. I’m always riding the ragged edge and I have gotten quite worried about doing this long term.

2. I have a family and great friends that I’m sick of letting down all the time.

3. I love my fiancee and want us to have a stable future.

4. I’m growing increasingly concerned about my physical and mental health and the very real danger I’m exposing myself to by living as I have for so long.

5. My younger brother looks up to me and currently has more clean time than I do.

6. I just can’t do this to myself anymore.    I’m sick of sobbing and feeling hopeless and lost.

I went to an AA group today. First time in four years. It gave me hope and it’s right by where I live so I don’t have to worry about getting there.

I’ve lived near a recovery clubhouse for nearly a year. I’ve walked past it countless times either drunk or high or both. Never been able to stop wondering if I should go inside.

I nearly ruined Mother’s Day by being in a really bad emotional state from drinking earlier that day. Only a few, but enough to turn me into a mess and worry my family.

I’m not an idiot,I just act like one rather often. I know I’m playing a dangerous game mixing booze and weed with my various meds. I know it has to stop now.

I love my man so much. He asked for me to marry him and I gladly accepted. I want the mental clarity I need for us to have a prosperous and long life together. I don’t want to be anything but there for him in every possible way. Which in order to do requires me to be there for myself.

To say that I have a bit of emotional baggage would be a grotesque understatement. My Dad finally knows I’m gay and isn’t thrilled with it. I have dealt with this and a number of other things by heavily altering my consciousness for longer than I care to admit.

I won’t lie, I’m horribly afraid of dealing with life on it’s own terms. The fact that I work as a barback is another problem. Being surrounded by booze is turning into a bit of a trigger for me. I don’t know what I’m going to do but this is me trying desperately to change my life.

Suicide in slow motion no longer interests me .Prosperity- now that’s intriguing.

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