I wanted….

I wanted this post to be a serious exercise in exposition. Maybe talk about love or something else reasonably intense. Perhaps reflect on the steady changes that the last few years have been composed of. Alas, it is not to be.

Alright, then what? I guess that I can use the old ‘Update on the State of Life’ motif again. It’s a bit tired but tried and true. I do occasionally enjoy it as well. I don’t have much going for me in this world except for a hopelessly overclocked brain, a great ass and something of a way with words. Words are both something that makes sense to me as well as something that I can control and manipulate.

So that said, things are going well. There are a few things that could use improvement, although on the whole everything is much better for me. So where do I begin? Oh yes. As I previously stated, I’m working in Clearwater Beach as a busser and barback. The money is great and it’s going quite well. I stayed dedicated with my job search and went to the interview even after I already got hired somewhere else. It turned out to be a good move.

Of course, this probably would not have happened if I hadn’t started taking Wellbutrin for depression. Getting on it is one of the smarter things I’ve done for myself along with telling the assholes at my previous soul-crushing job to fuck off.

Things are lovely on the home front. Looking forward to breakfast tomorrow morning with Shannon as well as going to open a checking account later on in the day. I live right by a branch that is open until 6 during the week. I pass by it on the way home every day so it’s the logical choice for a place to do my financial crap.

Shannon is trying to find a day job. I hope he does. Loving a third shift person is kind of like being an army wife or something. Wouldn’t trade him for the world, though. We understand one another in a way I’ve never known with another human being. I am so in love it’s freaking nauseating.

The animals are their usual charming selves. Roxy and Browski are chilling around the other couch and dozing. Not sure what Ms. Marci is up to but I’m certain that it’s inexplicably cute.

I decided to abandon the vocational rehabilitation idea as I simply can’t argue convincingly that my mental health issues are really holding me back that much right now.  I kind of feel like an idiot to be honest. Since I was diagnosed bipolar ten years ago I have never taken antidepressants. Even when I really needed some. I was diagnosed during a lexapro induced mania and stayed FAR from this whole class of drugs for ten years . I wonder how much unnecessary suffering I put myself through out of being afraid of antidepressants in general.

I finally got to where the risks associated with these meds were ones I was willing to take if it meant possibly not feeling vile. My doctor advised me that fetzima and Wellbutrin were the meds that were somewhat less likely to cause problems in the bipolar. I rolled the dice and hoped for the best.

It’s been like night and day. I keep thinking of what the Golden Dawn people say ‘Long hast thou dwelled in darkness. Quit the night and seek the day!’. For me , it was as simple as admitting that I was outgunned and admitting that the help I was afraid of using as well as asking for was needed beyond doubt.

I’m still hanging on.

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Back to the mental health side of things….

I’m great. I’m what Aleister Crowley would call rejoicing in the thrill of life and death. I am awake. I am pleased, and I am also quite far from finished.

I was not so great for a long time. I was in a frustrated depression for several months. I finally ignored everything I was certain I knew about myself and tried an antidepressant. It made a huge difference. I feel like myself again, not a seething and self-loathing head case.

Antidepressants are usually a risk with the bipolar but wellbutrin is slightly less risky so we gave it a try. It’s cool because I have noticed that I get decent ADHD coverage from it on days I don’t take my Ritalin.

But yeah, I got a job on the beach bussing tables. The money is good and it’s close to home. I’m feeling alright and I have wellbutrin and my wonderful and supportive lover to thank for it.

Aside from that, just pleasantly living life. Almost done with my battle vest. A few spikes and a few more thelema pins and it’s donezo.. May your team win. Thanks.

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