Is how I feel lately. I’m in an extended state of limbo and am feeling like I’m trapped in a slow-motion panic attack. Some of it is simply going stir-crazy. Some is being worried about money. Suffice to say I picked a terrible time to try to quit smoking cigarettes.

I thought the business with my arm was winding down. Wrong. I eased off the Neurontin only to have the irritation in my elbow come back. I’ve only been unemployed for three weeks and I’ve never felt this worthless in my life.

My mental health is reasonably adequate but highly variable. I’ve been randomly bursting into tears more than I care to admit and have more time than I know what to do with. I’m trying not to bother my friends who have jobs and lives to live. My boyfriend works overnight and sleeps during the day so we’re pretty much ships passing in the night. To his credit, he’s been amazing. Still, things are what they are and I’m feeling pretty icky most of the time.

Not manic, but highly moody. Not full blown depressed, but feeling intense and rather morose. I try to keep busy with housework but I am somewhat handicapped and not having an easy time keeping myself occupied.

I don’t know what the next step is. Maybe physical therapy, or injections of steroids perhaps. I’m extremely leery of any surgical procedures due to the anatomical complexity of the wrist and what seems like a lousy track record.

So I have empty space and time. Lots of it. That, and the erosion of mental peace that comes with not having any steady income.

The not smoking thing? I cracked this morning after five days. Trying to stay strong but losing the battle. I signed up with today but it’ll be a week or so until my nicotine patches come in the mail. Trying to smoke as little as possible until then.

I want to do theatre but I can’t. Not when things are this unstable. It pulled me out of a few past slumps and ruts but simply isn’t a viable option right now.

So I stare at the wall, read until my eyes glaze and let the clock run. I don’t know what else to do. I’ve already made everyone thoroughly sick of me. 

Annnnnd my arm is numb. Enough blogging for now *sigh*.

Wearily yours-

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