Lies before me. It’s simple enough to know which way I desire. Alas, the way is not clearly signposted. So much deception, so many snares of ambiguity and such a strange myriad of fellow players.
For a time I badly wanted to believe in the Christian version of things. I went to Church (Antiochian Orthodox), sang in the choir and did catechism. I still miss singing in Church to this day. But too many things didn’t gel with me. The fact that I like men was part of it but not the only thing. I have a wee bit of an Occult background and always thought to myself ‘They would turn on you in a flash if they really knew you.’
I don’t know really. I listen to a lot of fucking evil music. I’m not a Satanist or even a Left Hand Path type. I believe in spiritual discipline and reverence towards the creative forces of the Architect of the Universe. The stuff like Gorgoroth and Averse Sefira and Deicide appeals almost more to the punk in me as what is presented are essentially hymns of rebellion.
I have seen enough of the darker side of humanity for one lifetime. I’ve been through a few doors I perhaps shouldn’t have been. But in spite of this I’ve maintained my ethics more or less. I still consciously know that I am a creature of light after all is said and done. My dumb gay heart refuses to completely lose my humanity.
As I said though, the path is clear enough. Executing can be a bit dicey. So many things are simply not what they appear. So many seemingly illumined people turn out to be the most predatory of creatures. My problem with Christianity has mostly to do with the Church and not Jesus.
As a person in a Hermetic/Rosicrucian space, I like to believe that Christ and I are doing just fine together. However I do wonder sometimes.
I was singing in Church once and became aware of smoke. Where I sang was in the choir pit towards the back by the doors in from the narthex. In the narthex there was a big sand pit with candles and icons above. An icon had fallen into the candles. It was right on the other side of the wall from me and freaked me out a bit. Until I forgot about it. For a while.
Then I checked out a Church closer to home one week. It was a beautiful little Greek Church. I had a lovely time there and everyone was very nice. I was thinking about going back and found out that in the middle of the night a few days after my visit there was an electrical fire there. Haven’t been to Church since. Kind of feel like I don’t belong there.
I know that these incidents have zero to do with me but they still filled me with… Unease. I’m not really sure why I’m compelled to share this.
Whether the demons that stalk us are internal or otherworldly one fact remains:
Every single day we face a choice of which path to take. Choose wisely.