In spite of everything, I truly relish being alive. My great struggle is not losing sight of this as I sail the sea of madness. As I sit here contemplating the nature of the universe as well as myself ‘The Red In The Sky Is Ours’ gently airs out the mental clutter replacing it with transcendent beauty and wonder. I know a few things about myself at this point. I know my creative spirit needs nurturing lest it starve and wither like so many once luminous flowers. Experience has a way of being a double edged sword. Wounding and perhaps crippling one into a living monstrosity as it imbues the greatest of wisdom. I’ve found the trick to avoiding the erosion of sanity lies in surrounding oneself with beauty and the maintenance of a deep reverence for whatever you consider your higher power be it Yahweh, Kali, Thor, Jesus, Nature, The Sun or whatever makes perfect sense within your personal logical framework. The world is truly a magnificent thing to behold. I don’t claim to know the answers but I speak to the Universal Space Unicorn or whatever in a way that suits me best, friendly yet in constant awe.
Spiritually I’m not entirely sure where I stand. I lean strongly toward the Hermetic/Rosicrucian traditions. I do not, however formally belong to any orders. Reading the Kybalion absolutely changed my life as well as my perspective on matters from the microscopic to the astronomical. Being a Celtic/Teutonic lad in extraction I lean strongly toward an Pantheistic/Pagan perspective. But I still sort of consider myself a monotheist in the context that I think there is one divine consciousness with a kajillion-squillion facets and natures. All being inextricably linked to THE ALL. Somehow this gives me piece of mind.
Sometimes my thoughts turn toward my old fascination in the left hand path cut your flesh and worship satan type of stuff. Granted, Aleister Crowley did that stuff more artfully than most. I don’t think my repulsion toward black magic really has much to do with me being brought up christian. It’s more to me a simple matter of discipline. I’m certainly an occultist, ableit a strict right hand path type. My belief in spiritual karma is unshakable and I simply am not down with things like Goetia and whathaveyou.Plus I think the idea of calling myself a God is absurd.
Still, self mastery is something to be valued. This is a major cornerstone of Rosicrucian philosophy. I’ve determined repeatedly that I need to actually apply this stuff to my own life. I know maybe I’m a tad hard on myself but I’m not ready to settle for less than what I’m capable of. I know I’m not an idiot but this ^%$&ing world makes me feel so dumb. I’m not connected to a lot of things like television or movies and I’m pretty much lost in conversations like… like I’m frequently the only one who doesn’t get it. Whatever it is. Meh.
What I despise is that in spite of relative safety I have to maintain a certain level of secrecy about certain things in my life, lest the wrong people find out or it gets taken out of context. It’s the reason I have a shield with knotwork and an eye tattooed to my back. I almost never truly let my guard down. I am always ready for the coming of war. I can’t fully divulge what’s on my mind right now and it’s almost a relief. As Khalil Gibran tells us ‘Those who understand us enslave something in us’.