Go ahead, say it…

So I’ve determined that I need theatre in my life. However, my body is pretty banged up and I’m thinking my boyfriend has the right idea. He tells me that I should focus on being an actor for a good while and audition frequently.

I love being a backstage guy and Stage Managing but the last show i stage managed ran me into the ground. I was rehearsing another show at the same time and working full time. I was exhausted, trippy and looking back I realized something:

I could have done so much more as a SM if my attention wasn’t split. I think I’m a one show at a time person. I have to be realistic about my mental boundaries.

That said, the next audition is in three weeks. Diary of Anne Frank. I am going to prepare myself and step outside of myself a bit. All I’ve done is comedy. I badly want to do some Drama. if I get a part, great. If not I keep fucking going. Ad astra.


On loving again…

As much as I ever bitch about life’s trials, I am grateful beyond words for the Man I love. I certainly have moments when I feel like I can’t handle life anymore. That said, I’ve never been with anyone male or female that has been so incredibly supportive and kind.

A girl I know from doing theatre said to me once ‘I don’t want much. I just want a nice boy who listens to punk and tells me I’m pretty.’. I couldn’t help but smirk as I replied ‘Works for me.’. I don’t consider myself a particularly egotistical or high maintenance kind of boyfriend most of the time. Still though, it tickles my heart to no end that he takes the time to tell me I look dashing or whatever. The sweet little things he does lift my spirits like nothing else in this world.

Maybe it’s just because so many so called girlfriends or boyfriends treated me like I didn’t exist in the past. I feel like I finally have an equal partner who treats me with respect and affection.

I guess it really helps that he has a mental health background. People in the past tried to relate but tended to look at me like I was a total lunatic.Β  He respects the fact that I manage my conditions to the best of my ability and I feel like I can tell him anything. I know it sounds clichΓ© but I can just be myself around him and I’m grateful for it.

One night he invited me over for dinner. I was really excited about it. I wore a nice shirt and tie with my grey fedora and slacks and whatnot. As I knocked on the door I briefly thought ‘Am I way overdressed for this?’. This brief flash of anxiety was quelled as he answered the door in a similar outfit at which point we smiled and passionately embraced.

When he went to Alaska for a few weeks it was the first time I’d ever taken a lover to the airport. I cried a little as I left the airport. I guess you could say that He’s really under my skin.

We share a fascination with cuisine, theatre and the occult. We’re pretty different people but have many similarities in spite of having pretty different styles.

He makes my every molecule feel alive, as if my blood cells are dancing and twisting with feral delight. All clever attempts at prose aside, I am head over heels in fucking love!Β  I have never been this comfortable with another person or so lightheartedly at ease. I think I’ll keep him πŸ˜‰

I’ve had so many partners and so few serious lovers. This man is seriously the genuine article.

That’s about all I have for now πŸ™‚

Random Thoughts

In spite of everything, I truly relish being alive. My great struggle is not losing sight of this as I sail the sea of madness. As I sit here contemplating the nature of the universe as well as myself ‘The Red In The Sky Is Ours’ gently airs out the mental clutter replacing it with transcendent beauty and wonder. I know a few things about myself at this point. I know my creative spirit needs nurturing lest it starve and wither like so many once luminous flowers. Experience has a way of being a double edged sword. Wounding and perhaps crippling one into a living monstrosity as it imbues the greatest of wisdom. I’ve found the trick to avoiding the erosion of sanity lies in surrounding oneself with beauty and the maintenance of a deep reverence for whatever you consider your higher power be it Yahweh, Kali, Thor, Jesus, Nature, The Sun or whatever makes perfect sense within your personal logical framework. The world is truly a magnificent thing to behold. I don’t claim to know the answers but I speak to the Universal Space Unicorn or whatever in a way that suits me best, friendly yet in constant awe.Β 

Spiritually I’m not entirely sure where I stand. I lean strongly toward the Hermetic/Rosicrucian traditions. I do not, however formally belong to any orders. Reading the Kybalion absolutely changed my life as well as my perspective on matters from the microscopic to the astronomical. Being a Celtic/Teutonic lad in extraction I lean strongly toward an Pantheistic/Pagan perspective. But I still sort of consider myself a monotheist in the context that I think there is one divine consciousness with a kajillion-squillion facets and natures. All being inextricably linked to THE ALL. Somehow this gives me piece of mind.

Sometimes my thoughts turn toward my old fascination in the left hand path cut your flesh and worship satan type of stuff. Granted, Aleister Crowley did that stuff more artfully than most. I don’t think my repulsion toward black magic really has much to do with me being brought up christian. It’s more to me a simple matter of discipline. I’m certainly an occultist, ableit a strict right hand path type. My belief in spiritual karma is unshakable and I simply am not down with things like Goetia and whathaveyou.Plus I think the idea of calling myself a God is absurd.

Still, self mastery is something to be valued. This is a major cornerstone of Rosicrucian philosophy. I’ve determined repeatedly that I need to actually apply this stuff to my own life. I know maybe I’m a tad hard on myself but I’m not ready to settle for less than what I’m capable of. I know I’m not an idiot but this ^%$&ing world makes me feel so dumb. I’m not connected to a lot of things like television or movies and I’m pretty much lost in conversations like… like I’m frequently the only one who doesn’t get it. Whatever it is. Meh.

What I despise is that in spite of relative safety I have to maintain a certain level of secrecy about certain things in my life, lest the wrong people find out or it gets taken out of context. It’s the reason I have a shield with knotwork and an eye tattooed to my back. I almost never truly let my guard down. I am always ready for the coming of war. I can’t fully divulge what’s on my mind right now and it’s almost a relief. As Khalil Gibran tells us ‘Those who understand us enslave something in us’.

Moving on

Today I begin the process of changing my life. I’ll start with laying off the coffee and trying to chill out a bit. It’ll be a small but important victory. The future is highly uncertain for me, thus i need a level head.

Transition phases can be quite tricky, so be prepared i must. I’ve been aware for some time that I need a change. All insecurities about my job aside, I’m getting to the point of being overwhelmed by fatigue.

I don’t like talking about my problems because I’m constantly worried about being given shit by all the people who can actually manage their lives. I’m a disaster but it looks like I’m doing alright. Keeps me from being asked too many awkward questions.

That said, nothing is terrible. I just feel like I’ve painted myself into a corner or something. I love my boyfriend and I’m looking forward to living with him. I think the first step is looking around my new home and seeing what jobs are available.

Best foot forward and all.