I wish…

I wish I could make my feelings known without being pigeonholed as a drama queen.

I wish I was more successful than working in a joke kitchen with a bunch of kids at my age.

I wish I could govern my passions which tie me into a million knots.

I wish I could just tell my Dad I have a boyfriend and have everything be fine and dandy.

I wish I knew why anything is anything.

I wish people weren’t so put off by the things that I find beautiful.

I wish the National Anthem of the USA was ‘Spill the Blood’ by Slayer.

I wish I knew more non-straight people who like Metal.

I wish I could make a few people I know see that life is precious and beautiful in spite of all the heartache.

I wish I was better at taking my own advice.

I wish I could organize my life into something worthwhile instead of a never-ending cycle of mediocrity and disappointment.

I wish I didn’t take things so seriously because it makes me want to jump out of my own skin and scream bloody gore.

I wish there was a way to regenerate all the gray matter I’ve partied into oblivion.

I wish my boyfriend was here right now making me giggle like a little kid.

I wish I could make my friends know how dear they are to me even though our time together grows scarce.

I wish I wasn’t such a walking cartoon.

I wish people wouldn’t interrogate when I’m obviously distraught.

I wish that I could just for a few minutes recapture the fire I once possessed.

I wish my writing style wasn’t so terribly disjointed.

I wish my pen was quicker than my brain.

I wish my heart was stronger.

I wish I had something helpful to say when people spill their guts to me instead of just anxiously grappling for the words.

I wish I would speak up and stick up for myself more than I do.

I wish that it really was as simple as taking the pills and Tah-dah everything’s awesome!!!

Most of all, I wish I could help everyone.

Alas, it is not so.

Hanging in there…

Is the best I can do right now. My man is four thousand miles away and I miss him terribly. I’m keeping busy with work, theatre and pet-sitting. Still though, the time is crawling for me. I share a bed with him regularly enough that it kind of bugs me to sleep alone. Didn’t take long really. As I said I’m a hopelessly terminal romantic. I’m hanging in there but it’s still eating at me somewhat.

We’re talking regularly and texting, to be sure. It’s just hard when you want to feel someone’s touch and you just can’t. My stagehand gig is starting to heat up and naturally I’m happy about that. It gives me something else to think about.

There’s something about this Man. Something eccentric and wonderfully exciting. He sets my every molecule ablaze with feral delight. He’s so much sweeter and kinder than any of my other boyfriends were. I never knew another man could make me feel this amazing and alive.

I’ve often thought of myself as bisexual but homoemotional. I always wanted this level of romance with a boyfriend but could never find it. I’ve cared for and deeply loved my girlfriends but… I couldn’t ever seem to be what they needed.

Le sigh. Eight more days until the return of my Man. I’ll do my best to not go berserk.

My heart

Is about to fly to Alaska via Seattle. I just got back from driving him to the airport. I started noticing creeping feelings of…well… intense attachment as we moved through the airport. I kept it cool when it came time to part. I held on to him for what felt like forever. One passionate kiss and we went our separate ways and I tried not to cry. At least until I was by myself on the elevator. Everyone on the way there could probably read my face but whatevers.

So here it is. Two weeks without my darling. It’s a good thing I’ll be keeping busy. I snapped this before we left for the airport. I’m so fortunate to have found a person whose geekdom matches my own. Oh hell. I’m simply ill with emotion. It needs to be the day after my birthday so I can hold him tight and ignore all else.

image