More thoughts on being Queer

It’s been a heavy thought subject for me as of late. I don’t generally think of it a whole lot day to day. Still, there times in can think back to and feel… afraid a bit. Times when I was scared to hold my boyfriend’s hand in public, or just being damned well aware of the fact that I was in a hostile environment. I have a tattoo on my back of a Celtic shield. With an eye in the middle. For reals. I believe it to be a subconscious projection of some sort of insane paranoia or some such nonsense. Always watching my back, even among those dear. Sometimes especially so.

Perhaps I should elaborate a bit. Much of my family is Christian. Specifically Lutheran and Catholic. Most are fairly chill and easygoing. However, some including my dad are pretty intensely anti-gay. As a bisexual, I confess that I have let myself fly below the radar by virtue of the presence of various women in my life. I just can’t stand the thought of my I family casting me out. I don’t want to cause drama or anything, I just keep fairly private about my life. I tried to conform to Christian dogma once. It made me feel fallen and icky. I try to be unobtrusive about how I live my life. Still, sometimes people never stop prodding with questions. It makes me kind of sad because I feel like I should just not care by now.

It gives me hope that Gay Marriage made it today. It’s really simple for me. Love is Love, no matter where you find it. That’s why I’m Queer. Because I can’t live with a life of conforming to social pressures. Because I know myself well enough to know when I’m in love. Because it’s what comes naturally.

I try to not be scared. Most people never ask, and the supportive ones far outnumber the twits. It really is a new day here. Sexuality to me is not a static and /or fixed thing. I don’t stop thinking about one or the other if I’m with one. But by the same token if I’m with someone they tend to become my whole world. I’m not the sort to always be looking for something better.

Still, I’m scared of ever approaching the subject with my father. I briefly described this to my boyfriend and inadvertently burst into tears. He was so wonderful about it. Issues aside I’m very happy with my life right now. That’s what life is, really. Problems never disappear, the joy just overshadows them. Or something.

Meh.

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