I can be a little more open here….
And because here I can speak freely. My Boyfriend is going to Alaska for two weeks. I’m driving him to the airport on Independence Day. I’m going to miss him terribly but we’ll celebrate my Thirty-third birthday the following day when he gets home. At least I have my stagehand gig to keep me busy while he’s away.
It’s been a heavy thought subject for me as of late. I don’t generally think of it a whole lot day to day. Still, there times in can think back to and feel… afraid a bit. Times when I was scared to hold my boyfriend’s hand in public, or just being damned well aware of the fact that I was in a hostile environment. I have a tattoo on
my back of a Celtic shield. With an eye in the middle. For reals. I believe it to be a subconscious projection of some sort of insane paranoia or some such nonsense. Always watching my back, even among those dear. Sometimes especially so.
Perhaps I should elaborate a bit. Much of my family is Christian. Specifically Lutheran and Catholic. Most are fairly chill and easygoing. However, some including my dad are pretty intensely anti-gay. As a bisexual, I confess that I have let myself fly below the radar by virtue of the presence of various women in my life. I just can’t stand the thought of my I family casting me out. I don’t want to cause drama or anything, I just keep fairly private about my life. I tried to conform to Christian dogma once. It made me feel fallen and icky. I try to be unobtrusive about how I live my life. Still, sometimes people never stop prodding with questions. It makes me kind of sad because I feel like I should just not care by now.
It gives me hope that Gay Marriage made it today. It’s really simple for me. Love is Love, no matter where you find it. That’s why I’m Queer. Because I can’t live with a life of conforming to social pressures. Because I know myself well enough to know when I’m in love. Because it’s what comes naturally.
I try to not be scared. Most people never ask, and the supportive ones far outnumber the twits. It really is a new day here. Sexuality to me is not a static and /or fixed thing. I don’t stop thinking about one or the other if I’m with one. But by the same token if I’m with someone they tend to become my whole world. I’m not the sort to always be looking for something better.
Still, I’m scared of ever approaching the subject with my father. I briefly described this to my boyfriend and inadvertently burst into tears. He was so wonderful about it. Issues aside I’m very happy with my life right now. That’s what life is, really. Problems never disappear, the joy just overshadows them. Or something.
Things have been pretty super chill lately. I’ve been spending time with my Man, going to work six days a week and doing quite well by all measurements. I used my Employee of the Month bonus check to buy a black utility kilt which I absolutely adore. Getting ready to get back into my Stagehand gig and thoroughly excited about it.
I’m going to be moving in with my boyfriend soon. I’m over there so much with my mom’s car anyway that I’d like to stop burning her fuel budget. It’s kind of win win because I’ll be paying less than I am now and I’ll be out of my mother’s hair. I’ll be closer to my theatre too, which is a major plus.
I’m really excited about it. I’m going to start moving around August. When he gets back from his trip to Alaska, that is.
Aside from that, not a lot is going on. Just plugging away with the at times quite absurd game of life 🙂
It’s not like I’m entertaining the idea that I’m an expert. Some would say that I’m not qualified to refer to myself as such because I don’t identify as gay. I’ve literally had people tell me my thoughts on the subject don’t matter because I have heterosexual privilege as they call it. Apparently I can just hide out whenever I want because I can just ‘go stealth’ when things get real. Bah. I don’t think these folks understand that my reactions can be be hard to control. I can still get hurt just like anyone else.
I guess my history is
a bit odd because I was more into men at first. Then a female friend seduced me and I was like ‘That was splendid!!!’. I’ve pretty well back and forthed it most of my life. Sometimes I think most folks are way too hung up on labels and titles.
I mean, I have a boyfriend who I absolutely adore. I’m a bisexual male in a homosexual relationship. I don’t identify as strictly hetero or homosexuality because I’ve had rewarding relationships with both. Although sometimes people just don’t get it and I say ‘It’s easier if you just call me queer and leave it at that.’. Not to be a jerk or anything, I just grow weary of having to explain myself.
Some people don’t distinguish between homosexuality and bisexual men. Rather they view both as damaged. This seems to be where the Catholic and Orthodox churches stand and is part of why I have fallen away from Christianity. It’s not the only reason though. Part of it is just that the deeper I tried to conform to Orthodoxy the more I realized it just wasn’t me. I greatly appreciate and value the ancient Hermetic teachings as well as the Rosicrucian tradition and Gnosticism. All of which are denounced as heresy. Meh. Whatever. At least my boyfriend gets the joy of bagging a literal choir boy.
Anyhow, I think a lot less about my romantic attractions than people I know that are puzzled by bisexuality. I just explain it this way: Whether I’m with a man or a woman, they are my top priority and my sanctuary. It doesn’t matter what they are, what attracts me is WHO they are.
Some people seem to think as a bisexual I’m either:
Neither of those are true of me. I am a terminal romantic. My Cocteau Twins album is nicely complementing this thought stream. I’m forced to confess that I’m desperately in love with my Man. He’s so freaking amusing and witty and ARRGH IS IT TOMORROW NIGHT YET??????
But I’ve just been musing on these thoughts lately as it seems that the whole world is hung up on Identity right now. I think what you do and what sort of karma you spread is far more crucial. Yanno?
Just for shits and giggles, here’s a list of every show I’ve been involved with since I late bloomed into a theatre person. By category:
The Pajama Game 2012
You Can’t Take it With You 2012 (also on stage in Act 2)
Damn Yankees 2013
Sugar Babies 2013 (Got hurt and had to bail)
Beau Jest 2015
Crazy For You (Moose) 2012
Arsenic and Old Lace (O’Hara) 2013
Guys and Dolls (Ensemble) 2014
A Flea In Her Ear (Rugby, also Stage Manager) 2015
Is He Dead? 2013
Lucky Stiff- 2013
Not that impressive, but I’m proud of it.
Life is, well… it’s more than acceptable. Things are going pretty swimmingly at present. Despite my strong urge to distrust it, it’s actually quite awesome. I have successfully insinuated my way into involvement with the Summer Musical at the Playhouse I work at after about a two month break. Nothing on stage, but doing quite possibly my favorite thing on Earth- being a stagehand. I adore acting and stage managing, but I find stage crewing uniquely exhilarating and fun. I am in the zone when I’m in the dark. Got my gloves, my head light and whatever other tools I may use. I feel like I’m lost in joyous war or something.
As for my Boyfriend, he’s his usual charming self. Oh my heavens does he make me laugh. He is seriously witty in a dry, sort of unusual way. I’m doing dinner with he and my best friend in two days, so much looking forward to it. Didn’t get to see him on my last day off so umm, the fires are burning. I’m certain of one thing. Having a Boyfriend I love makes me ditzy as all hell. I’m having a blast, mind you. Just, I dunno… I got it bad 😉
Work is work, but is not at all bad right now. I was kind of depressed about work after I got home yesterday. Nothing bad happened, I just felt trampled by the day I had. Then this morning I got Employee of the Month. I needed something like this. I didn’t feel unappreciated but I kind of felt like no one noticed how hard I worked. I stand corrected. Getting a gift card and my photo on the wall. So that’s cool I guess.
I’m doing my best to get through. It’s what I do.