I’m still here and stuff is happening!

It’s been a rough few months and I’ve been kind of in the weeds mentally. I’m doing my best to keep my moods in check and deescalate them when necessary. So then, I have a lot to tell you about which I will attempt to keep as concise as possible.

My RA is under control and I’m doing fairly well in the that regard. Relatively low pain and inflammation as well as minimum fatigue. Xeljanz plus the Trex seems to be the magic bullet. I still have some troublesome days but overall doing quite well.

Shannon’s Mother just left town after staying with us for about a month. She would have been on her way sooner but her health issues complicated her plans and she stayed a little longer. It was a pleasure to have her and she helped us fix up many things around the house. That said we’re happy to have our privacy and whatnot back.

I’m hopefully scraping enough $ together soon for a trip to Alaska in the summer. Shannon is directing a Shakespeare show and wants me to join the fun. I’m really nervous about acting and he’s pushing me because he knows that I kind of have a complex I need to break. Should be good fun.

Aside from that I’ve been doing some really heavy duty introspection lately. Halloween, as much fun as it was brought some things to the front of my mind that I have repressed the hell out of since… Honestly since I was a kid but very much so in the last twelve years or so of my life. I’ve honestly never been particularly comfortable with being male. I know this may come as a shock to some but it’s honestly how I’ve felt most of my life. When I present as a woman I feel at peace and whole. I feel comfortable in my own skin and right.

Some folks seem puzzled by this, but I’m not particularly masculine. I was the sensitive scrawny kid who always got picked on. I never told anyone until years later, but when I was a kid going into my teens I used to try on my mom’s clothes when she was shopping or at work. I wasn’t sure why, I just knew it made me feel nice and pretty. I didn’t think much of it initially but when I had my first girlfriend (before I figured out i was more into Men) she used to get so pissed at me for stretching out her Clothes. Anyway, being Harley Quinn for a day brought all this stuff back to the surface and well, I don’t think I’m a drag queen and i don’t think it’s a phase or fetish. I think I’m transgender and after first realizing at the age of twenty two I’ve finally admitted it to myself nearly thirteen years later. Just every time I’ve dressed like a girl I’ve quietly wished I could do it full time. I mean, If its a phase its a pretty freaking long one 😂

It was no surprise to my best friends. Many friends and my boyfriend have told me I have a feminine brain and they totally saw this coming. Mind you, I realize there’s a whole lot more to being a woman than just dressing like one.

I’m not sure about many things right now but I’m just carefully feeling the situation out. I don’t know to what degree I intend to transition and anything I do will be in baby steps. I know people will bring my mental health into the discussion. I am not delusional or confused. That’s what people said all those years ago…. That i was just being manic. But I’m not manic now and i still feel this way now. I just don’t want to constantly live in a state of hiding out. It’s robbed me of enough of my life force as is.

People who think I’m such an average guy, acting like one has always been a matter of survival. I’m a stage actor. I fake things well, even convincingly at times. But that’s all I feel like I’m doing as a ‘Man’. I’ve always found subtle ways to feminize myself somehow. The world may not see it, but I know 😇

I’m not going to pick apart all the reasons I don’t feel comfortable being a dude. But believe me, there are a great many. I’ve spent a great many nights crying myself to sleep trying to figure out which end is up. I cry a lot sometimes when I look at my body. I hate how muscular I am and how the veins in my arms are all prominent. I have some gender/body dysphoria and I’m tired of having to act like this isn’t happening to me. I know I’m not unattractive, I just don’t enjoy or identify with being a dude. It just hasn’t ever felt like anything but a role I’ve been trapped in.

I feel much lighter already having said what I have. I’ve already hinted at this enough over social media that one night my mom asked me ‘Who’s Lily? (My Tgirl name is Lily Jane, partial homage to Lilith as well as deliberate flower symbolism)’ and I told her. It was really awkward and I don’t even want to think of having this talk with my Dad. But my Mom was awesome in her way. My Boyfriend was the one who first asked me if I was having a trans issue. I totally denied it at the time but a few weeks later I said ‘Yeah, I may have lied about that…’. I was scared. I still am. But my Boyfriend and friends have been so amazing and supportive.

So that’s what I’ve been dealing with. If nothing else I hope it makes for a decent read.

Love,

Lily 💜

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Variability

The holidays notwithstanding things are ever shifting. Time distorts, and it seems like nothing is happening yet everything is somehow different or altered. Some for the better, others not so much.

I’m feeling sad lately and I don’t always have the ability to put it into even the most basic of words or terms. Not all the time, mind you. I actually almost have an idea of where I’m going with this line of thought.

Often I say that I’m X (Sad, Depressed, Morose, or whatever) and ‘I don’t know why’. I’m choosing to point it out because it’s nearly always a misrepresentation of the truth which eventually emerges. Granted there are times when words utterly fail me, but it really doesn’t happen much. Point being that I am almost always blowing smoke when I say things like that.

I’m also feeling quite happy in some respects. I have a lot to be grateful for and I’m fully conscious of this. I mean, there are the usual stressors but my romantic life is unbelievably fulfilling despite my Darling and I being on opposing schedules. I’m excited about Christmas, and seeing my Sister as well as the rest of the family.

I’ve just been shifty lately. It’s the nature of my illness, even when it’s well controlled. I’ve been having occasional flashes of intense sadness, sometimes in the middle of talking to someone. Or anxiety. Either way I feel icky as hell almost instantly. It seems to worry people who see me like that. I try to explain that it happens and I just sort of have to let it run its course. Doesn’t usually last that long.

That, of course is the easiest way I can sum up bipolar disorder. It’s not the highs or lows that get you. It’s the back and forth shit that really drives a person berserk.

Any time I’m sick or my joints start flaring up I tend to get weepy and blubbery. Today is one of those days and I’m on the couch with my Pikachu trying to take it easy. I’m hoping the dreaded work bug I seem to have goes easy on me. I don’t want to have to go off my RA meds when I just got things under control.

So yes, I am a bit frustrated and feeling icky at present. But instead of staring at the walls and wandering around in my head I decided to write about it. Did I achieve anything? I suppose that’s purely a matter of perspective. Whatever. It made me feel a bit better, that’s all I really care about right now.

That’s all I have at the moment. Be well and enjoy yet another obnoxious selfie.

-Tommy Boy

The adventures of Tommy Boy

It’s been a good, albeit an odd fall/holiday season thus far. As I laid out in my previous post, Halloween was a dream come true. My income hasn’t been great but my awesome Grandmother gave us a publix card so we had an amazing Thanksgiving dinner at home with my best friend Matt. Had a blast but more importantly lots of leftovers 🙂

Rheumatologically I’m doing a bit better since switching up my meds. I’ve been on Xeljanz the last few weeks and it seems to be helping quite a bit so that’s awesome. Off the prednisone and back to sleeping relatively normally which I’m quite pleased with.

Mentally I’ve been a mixed bag but I’m holding. I’m a lot more relaxed now that I got a very helpful early Christmas present. Been a bit frantic and anxious lately but its mostly under control. Excited about seeing my big Sister soon too, she’ll be here a whole month 🙂

I don’t really worry much these days about dressing or looking like a bit of a Nancy boy. I mean, I’m not doing anything ridiculously over the top. I’ve just let my guard down a bit. I’m not cartoonishly such but I am a guy who is deeply in touch with his feminine side and not afraid to express it occasionally. I realize that I might get jumped for looking like a homo but I don’t really give a fuck. I dress the way I do because it gives me joy. I don’t really care if other people don’t like or approve of it.

All I’m really doing is finally being comfortable enough with myself to not give a shit what people(especially other men) think or say about me. Yeah, I’m a bit crazy and a big fairyboy. I know who the hell I am and it only took me well into my thirties to figure it out and to be okay with myself.

I sometimes feel like an oddball in both the queer and Metal communities. I’m Death Metal as fuck but I’m the only Gay Death Metalhead I know except for a dude I follow on Instagram (I’m on there as rainbowbritethedestroyer) 🙂

I don’t care if I fit in or if people approve. I’m the Death Metal Faerie Boi and I like myself this way, damn it.

Whatevers. It’s almost time for Christmas. All I want is more time with my darling and LOTS of wacky knee high socks. The more insane the better. That is all 🙂

Happy Holidays!

Tommy

My Halloween in pictures

I sure as hell had me some fun this year. I went to work at the crack of dawn dressed as Harley Quinn from Suicide Squad. Due to it being kind of a skeleton crew sort of day I was not only bussing and barbacking but also hosting. This gave me an unbelievable opportunity to mess with people in ways I had never been capable of which I fully capitalized on. Anyhow I got some really cool pictures and I’d like to show you a few of them. This first photo was taken by my manager when I first came in at the crack of dawn. There were a great deal of astonished looking people on the beach walk when Courtney and I walked from her car to the restaurant. Even at 6:30 in the morning. Whatever, I freaking slayed that shit.

Next is a photo of my Buddy Courtney and I. She drove me to work so I wouldn’t have to take the scary bus. She also helped me with my eyeliner which I am absolutely terrible with. Ain’t she a doll? This photo is on our restaurant’s facebook page. Got to love those vampire girls 🙂

Next is me with my ‘work wife’ Jill. She did herself up as a Hot Mess which i thought was deliciously clever.

My buddy Ashleigh got a great sassy shot of me by the downstairs bar. I feel it captures the spirit of the character well 🙂

So here’s where it gets interesting. one of the night time servers came in as i was finishing up dressed as the Joker. We didn’t plan this at all but had to get a picture of it. He ended up winning the costume contest and I got second. Whatever I’m happy for him he looked really badass.

After work i stopped by my watering hole for a beer and a quick showing off. My buddy Dave gave me a lift home from the beach but not before i got mad crazy catcalls from peopls on hotel balconies as we walked to his car. A while after that some good friends showed up with beer and a cool guy we had not met who snapped this photo that my ACTUAL Boyfriend (also dressed as the Joker) joined us in before he had to go to work.

My buddy Sarah got a nice one of Shannon and I:

As well as a nice one of she and I

And that is about all. Hope you enjoyed it 🙂

Love,

Tommy

Of mischief and fragility

Been on a bit of an odd trip the last few months. Or is it just that sort of life? Meh, probably. At least I’m mostly having fun. So allow me to break down what’s happening on my planet.

1. Excited about Halloween in a couple days. Going to work and a party that night dressed as Suicide Squad’s Harley Quinn. It’s simply too epic a trolling to pass up. My inner Loki simply has a raging boner for this one. I know, sometimes I’m just totes eloquent.

2. My RA has been resurfacing after a long period of being in very little pain. Not sure if it’s the weather or what but I’m back on the prednisone and not thrilled about it. Tapering down because most predictably the stuff always turns me into a wreck mentally. Calming down a bit but worried I’m going to flare like hell as soon as the steroid is gone. Hoping this doesn’t mess with my Halloween Fun.

3. I’m still having lots of fun rediscovering my boyish inner self and watching lots of cartoons and spending lots of time outside. Trying to spend more time laughing because it makes difficult and trying times so much more bearable. Getting ready to chill with my Pikachu and some gummi worms and watch something cute.

4. Mentally, as usual I’m a highly mixed bag. I’m honestly well aware of my varying degrees of madness. I have my craziness fairly well deconstructed. It’s just that awareness does not automatically equal results. I’ve done a lot of work on myself the past few years to just be more open with other people and laid back and peaceful. Yes, Crazy Thom wants inner peace. I know, it’s wacky, right? In all seriousness though I’m still tearing away context/details/shit that I don’t need from my brain on a daily basis and tossing it in the incinerator.

5. I’ve come to realize that most people do the bulk of their suffering privately. I’m trying to keep in perspective the fact that everyone could be in the midst of a raging battle that i know nothing about.

That’s about all i have for now except…..

A Halloween teaser photo:

Have fun and be safe this Halloween!

-Tommy Boy

Say Hello…

To my little friend Wodos the Pikachu. Isn’t he just the most adorable thing ever?

As you can see he is a Thelemite type of guy, with a fondness for spikes,  ripping Death Metal/Grind core and denim. At least that’s how I’ve styled him 🙂

In all seriousness, I was having a great deal of trouble with anxiety and whatnot leading up to and after the hurricane. Having this little guy has done a lot to keep me grounded and calm. I don’t really give a shit if it’s ridiculous because it helps me. 

As you can see, I made a little Metal vest for him. Also a collar because I wanted him to have the unicursal hexagram pendant 😉 I had a lot of fun with this project. 

Why Wodos? It’s a reference to a meme in my battle jacket group. Someone selling a patch on eBay inverted the logo of the German Thrash band Sodom and sold it as a Wodos patch. Metalheads went berserk. 

Anyway, hope you enjoyed meeting my service Stuffie 🙂

-Thom 

On the deepest Love

For much of my time on this earth my romantic life has been a disaster. Men and Women have gotten close to me over the years but something always went wrong. I spent a great deal of my twenties constantly sobbing and hurting while desperately trying to figure out what the hell I wanted. People would tell me that they loved me but I was ‘too intense’ or they cheated on me or had intimacy issues or whatever. 

The Women I was with always wanted me to be way more alpha than I was and I knew I wanted to be with Men but I was still in the closet with a lot of people and being with women was the ‘safe’ thing. But I was miserable. In the times when I did have a boyfriend they got all weird when we got close and my personality was a bit too odd for them.  I was pretty sure I’d never be happy with another human being. This went on until I was about thirty-two.

I was coming off a terrible relationship with a girl who was my best friend in high school. She leeched off me and sucked me dry for years hardly ever working and just drained the life from me. When I finally got away my friends were really supportive. Apparently they all loved me and couldn’t understand why I put up with it as long as I did.  So then I actually did something rational and just stayed single for a year. Turned out to be a good move.

I was still active in theatre at the time and got offered a Stage Managing gig in a show I was cast in. At the audition i saw Shannon, an actor I knew from when we did Arsenic and Old Lace a year before. Didn’t think much of it at the time but things were already changing for me. 

As we got deeper into rehearsal Shannon and I started getting to know one another and whatnot. We were being professional but I was… sensing little things that made me go hmm. Finally we began performances after a grueling rehearsal process. 

In this play we were in there’s a scene where my character beats up his character. I got a bit carried away one night and actually kinda broke the set with his body. As we got backstage I asked him if he was alright. He says ‘Yeah, I’ve been waiting for you to manhandle me like that.’. I’m like ‘Yeah?’ and we went back to doing the show. One night I gave him a ride home and we had our first kiss. Things really started blossoming at the cast party. Showmance is supposed to be deadly but it freaking worked for me 🙂

After that show closed we had an intense whirlwind romance. So exciting and passionate, unlike anything I’ve ever experienced with anyone. Not butterflies as much as deep contentment at having made a soul connection. I knew right away that I wanted to show this person my vulnerable underbelly and let him in my heart. Thus I have. It was so awesome of my Mom letting me borrow her car on the weekends to be with him. My Mom adores Shannon and I think she sees that he’s so much better to me than anyone ever has been. 

I feel like being with him has gotten me realigned with the better aspects of my nature. The part of me that just wants to promulgate love and light and beauty all around. I do my damnedest to be there for him in all the ways he is for me. It’s like ‘Goddammit I fucking love you and I’m taking care of you when you’re old!’. 

I mean it. He nurtures me in all the right ways. Inspires me. Builds me up. Helps me believe in myself. Holds me when I’m sad. Dries my tears. Rubs my shoulders when I’m stiff. Runs his fingers through my hair when I rest my head on his chest. Makes me feel more valued than I thought possible. Stirs the joy within me. Fills me with something that I can barely comprehend. 

He and I have lived together for two years now. We have a nice little family, his Dog and Cat and my Kitty and I. Our work schedules make it difficult but we capitalize on the time we do get. He has graduated from boyfriend, to lover , to fiancee. 

A lot of people seem to look down on guys being more feminine or ‘sissy’ or whatever you want to call it. I mean, I’m reasonably masculine, I just don’t limit myself to it. I’ve never really been a regular guy in that sense. I’m sensitive AF and I like being more submissive and giving in a romantic sense. Figuring this out about myself has been truly one of the greatest joys of my life. Articulating myself romantically, sexually and emotionally has been well worth the rough journey. I know who I am and how I want to love and live and I’m fucking doing it. 

Something about this Man lights a fire under my ass and I refuse to let him go. If you come near him I will fuck you up 😉

I realize a diatribe about how much I love my boyfriend may not make for the most interesting reading but oh well 🙂 I just had some thoughts I wished to share with the interwebz.

It’s funny. I say the last show we did is when we hooked up, but I think it started way earlier, at least for me. In our first show, (Arsenic) he was the police lieutenant who chews me out. During that scene he poked me in the chest like an Irish Nun. I didn’t understand at the time what it was making me feel but it obviously stirred me deeply. Every poke freaking stunned me and nearly threw me off. I maintained but the rest is obviously history 🙂

Anyhow-

Love and Light:

Thom (Shannon’s Bride)